Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : Where the hell have you been all this time? Not that I'm pleased to see you.

  Nick : Oh, travelling around.

  Ben : Europe?

  Nick : Circle Line. But some do say it is in Europe.

  Ben : You mean you've been going round and round on the Tube for the last six months?

  Nick : Er, no. I had a stopover in Singapore once.

  Ben : Singapore?

  Nick : Sorry, I meant Bayswater.

• Ben : Nick, if you are an official mourner, shouldn't you stop grinning?

  Nick : Suddenly, everyone's an expert!

• Nick : I know! I know! How about a surprise funeral? Dad can jump out of the coffin! I see black balloons and white streamers and sad clowns. Maybe a few monkeys.

• Ben : Don't think I don't know what you're up to.

  Nick : I don't.

  Ben : Don't what?

  Nick : That.

  Ben : What?

  Nick : I don't think you don't know.

  Ben : What?

  Nick : What you said, I don't think it!

  Ben : What? Whatever it is, it's no good sucking up to me offering me ice for my whisky, cleaning my shoes and bringing up my paper.

  Nick : I haven't cleaned your shoes or brought up your paper.

  Ben : Yeah, I know. But those are the kind of things a son might do for a father who is about to make his will.

  Nick : Oh, right! Well, you wouldn't want me to do those sorts of things, then?

  Ben : Well... I wouldn't mind, I suppose. But before I decide to leave you my money...

  Nick : [Looks at Ben, with two chopsticks in his mouth, impersonating a vampire] 

  Ben : ...I'd want to make sure that you were a responsible adult and hold down a proper job.

  Nick : [Chopsticks fall off his mouth]  Dad, arranging funerals, man! That's a job for life!

  Ben : Oh, look! Hahaha! And how is the job at the undertakers?

  Nick : It's good, man. It's fine. It's good. Although they're not too keen on me pitching ice from the mortuary. Cheers!

  Ben : [Runs to the sink to throw up, realising his whiskey had mortuary ice in it] 

• Ben : Can't you even love me for my money any more?

  Janey Harper : Well, Gran's leaving me hers.

  Nick : I've got a good job, dad!

  Michael Harper : Roger's paying me £50 a week just to let him be my guardian.

  Ben : Right, that's it! If that's the way you want to play it, fine! None of you gets a penny when I die!

  Nick : How about a fiver now?

• Ben : Is your mother completely out of her mind?

  Nick : Always.

• Ben : You're probably wondering why I called you all here today.

  Janey Harper : No.

  Michael Harper : No.

  Susan Harper : Yes.

  Nick : What was the question?

  Ben : I've completed my will. But I've also found an online mortality site that talks sense. It's given me 40 more years to live! I can smoke, I can drink and eat as much junk food as I like! Hah! I've never felt so healthy and alive! See this?

  [Tears up his will] 

  Susan Harper : Your will!

  Abi Harper : My inheritance!

  Roger Bailey : My freedom! Hahahahahahahahaha!