My Family (TV Series)
My Will Be Done (2004)
Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper
Quotes
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Ben : Where the hell have you been all this time? Not that I'm pleased to see you.
Nick : Oh, travelling around.
Ben : Europe?
Nick : Circle Line. But some do say it is in Europe.
Ben : You mean you've been going round and round on the Tube for the last six months?
Nick : Er, no. I had a stopover in Singapore once.
Ben : Singapore?
Nick : Sorry, I meant Bayswater.
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Susan Harper : These are my widow's weeds. Which is sexier?
Ben : Sexier? Are you planning to score at your own husband's funeral?
Susan Harper : Don't you want me to find a new father for your children?
Ben : Yes... but why wait till I'm dead?
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Susan Harper : Maybe we should think now about who's going to care for Michael.
Ben : No one much - ever!
Susan Harper : I mean, he's still under 18. If - if - we both died, he'll need a guardian. Someone he'd like and respect.
Ben : Stalin? Pol Pot?
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Ben : Don't think I don't know what you're up to.
Nick : I don't.
Ben : Don't what?
Nick : That.
Ben : What?
Nick : I don't think you don't know.
Ben : What?
Nick : What you said, I don't think it!
Ben : What? Whatever it is, it's no good sucking up to me offering me ice for my whisky, cleaning my shoes and bringing up my paper.
Nick : I haven't cleaned your shoes or brought up your paper.
Ben : Yeah, I know. But those are the kind of things a son might do for a father who is about to make his will.
Nick : Oh, right! Well, you wouldn't want me to do those sorts of things, then?
Ben : Well... I wouldn't mind, I suppose. But before I decide to leave you my money...
Nick : [Looks at Ben, with two chopsticks in his mouth, impersonating a vampire]
Ben : ...I'd want to make sure that you were a responsible adult and hold down a proper job.
Nick : [Chopsticks fall off his mouth] Dad, arranging funerals, man! That's a job for life!
Ben : Oh, look! Hahaha! And how is the job at the undertakers?
Nick : It's good, man. It's fine. It's good. Although they're not too keen on me pitching ice from the mortuary. Cheers!
Ben : [Runs to the sink to throw up, realising his whiskey had mortuary ice in it]
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Ben : Can't you even love me for my money any more?
Janey Harper : Well, Gran's leaving me hers.
Nick : I've got a good job, dad!
Michael Harper : Roger's paying me £50 a week just to let him be my guardian.
Ben : Right, that's it! If that's the way you want to play it, fine! None of you gets a penny when I die!
Nick : How about a fiver now?
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Susan Harper : Look, Ben, I just want your funeral to be perfect.
Ben : Yes, yes, it will be perfect because I'll be dead! And rid of you lot! And according to the latest forecast, it won't be very long.
Susan Harper : Oh. You went on to another website?
Ben : Yes. And every site I look at, it gets worse. I'm now down to three weeks.
Susan Harper : Three weeks? Oh, that's awful!
Ben : Oh, Susan!
Susan Harper : Oh. I was hoping you'd make it to April - a spring funeral would be so lovely!
Ben : Stop it! Stop it! Stop it now!
Susan Harper : I'm only trying to be organised.
Ben : I don't want you to be organised! I want you to go to pieces! I want you to be completely and utterly distraught, like you were when Swimmy the goldfish died! I want you to weep and wail and gnash your teeth! I want you to pull out your hair and tear your clothes! And then I want you to go off your food and then sit in silence, staring at a wall and...
Susan Harper : Slowly, slowly, slowly!
Ben : What are you doing?
Susan Harper : I'm noting all this down.
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Ben : You're probably wondering why I called you all here today.
Janey Harper : No.
Michael Harper : No.
Susan Harper : Yes.
Nick : What was the question?
Ben : I've completed my will. But I've also found an online mortality site that talks sense. It's given me 40 more years to live! I can smoke, I can drink and eat as much junk food as I like! Hah! I've never felt so healthy and alive! See this?
[Tears up his will]
Susan Harper : Your will!
Abi Harper : My inheritance!
Roger Bailey : My freedom! Hahahahahahahahaha!
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Susan Harper : Take poor Linda. She didn't expect to die. There she was in Austria, happily skiing, then bam! She goes crashing into a tree and rebounds up the mountain into the path of an avalanche. Gets miraculously rescued, but then on the way to the hospital, the ambulance doors swing open and her stretcher rolls out in front of a snow plough!
Ben : It could happen to anyone, darling.
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Ben : Susan?
Susan Harper : Hmm?
Ben : Do the kids ignore you?
Susan Harper : They wouldn't dare!
Ben : Well, they ignore me. More and more these days.
Susan Harper : But you like being ignored.
Ben : No, I like being left alone. It's a different thing.
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Ben : Datewithdeath.com? How does it work?
Michael Harper : Well, they ask you questions about your health and lifestyle, you give honest answers and then you get a date of death.
Ben : Hmm. How delightfully simple.
Michael Harper : OK. Age?
Ben : The usual.
Michael Harper : Are you stressed at work?
Ben : Hah! I'm stressed everywhere, mate!
Michael Harper : Exercise?
Ben : Oh... five times a week... Four... Three... OK, none!
Michael Harper : Do you like your food?
Ben : Nope. But your mother still makes me eat it.
Michael Harper : Do you smoke?
Ben : No... Yes... No... Yes.
[Michael types in 'yes']
Ben : No!
Michael Harper : Yes! Units of alcohol?
Ben : Ooh... five or six?
Michael Harper : Per night?
Ben : Per week!
Michael Harper : [laughs] Yeah, right! Per night! Anyone in your family die young?
Ben : Not as yet!
Michael Harper : OK. It says here you have 67...
Ben : Yes!
Michael Harper : ...weeks to live.
Ben : 67 weeks? But that's not fair!
Michael Harper : Well, life isn't fair - and in your case, not very long, either!
