My Family (TV Series)

Much Ado About Ben (2000)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan : [Identifying who has called her, crying]  Oh, Doreen, my yoga teacher. Poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

  Janey Harper : That's terrible!

  Nick Harper : No, Croydon ain't that bad.

• Nick Harper : What's for dinner?

  Susan : I'm not sure yet.

  [uncovers pot] 

  Susan : It's either soufflé or bouillabaisse. Time will tell.

• Ben Harper : [about Nick]  Why did we have him?

  Susan : I don't know. I was asleep.

• Susan : Janey, would you help me, please?

  Janey Harper : Yeah, I'd love to, mum. But in order to win, I've got to be caller number five. Rules of the contest are very strict.

  Susan : The rules of the house are very strict: help out or you win no radio for a month!

  Janey Harper : Look, I've got a 1-in-30,000 chance here!

  Susan : In fact, you could win a whole media blackout - no radio, TV, video...

• Janey Harper : [On Nick not helping Susan clean the house]  Well, I think it's sexist!

  Nick Harper : It's not that men do nothing. It's that women do too much. Besides, you enjoy cleaning.

  Susan : [Gives a stern look] 

  Nick Harper : Crossed a line there, didn't I?

• Susan : Janey, would you dust the piano, please?

  Janey Harper : And what do I get for helping?

  Susan : My undying gratitude.

  Janey Harper : It's a lose-lose situation!

• Susan : [Picks up Nick's jeans]  What are these doing here?

  Nick Harper : Oh, I was looking for those.

  Susan : It may surprise you to know that the living room is not your laundry basket.

  Nick Harper : Yeah? What room is?

• Nick Harper : I fell asleep on the couch last night watching TV.

  Susan : In the nude?

  Nick Harper : I had my socks on.

• Susan : What's this?

  Nick Harper : It's... not what you think it is.

  Susan : It's Viagra.

  Nick Harper : OK, it is what you think it is. But it's not what you think it's for.

  Susan : So, what is it for?

  Nick Harper : OK, it is what you think it's for!

  Susan : So, who's the lucky girl?

  Nick Harper : They're all lucky, mum!

• Ben Harper : Nick?

  Susan : Get out.

  Nick Harper : Do this! Do that! Sometimes, you make me feel like a complete prat!

• Susan : You'll never guess what I found in his pocket today.

  Ben Harper : Certainly not a payslip.

  Susan : Here.

  Ben Harper : What, Viagra?

  Susan : You know Nick. He doesn't like to work at anything.

• Susan : [about Nick's Viagra]  Aren't you curious to see how it works?

  Ben Harper : Eh? No, not really.

  Susan : Me neither.

  Ben Harper : No.

  Susan : [pause]  Although, as parents we owe it to our children to make sure what they're doing is safe.

  Ben Harper : Are you suggesting that I take it?

  Susan : Come on! Where's your sense of adventure?

  Ben Harper : At the moment, tending to my bruised ego!

• Ben Harper : [Susan questions his libido]  Excuse me! I do not need any help in that department, thank you very much! I don't, do I?

  Susan : I never meant to suggest that you did.

  Ben Harper : Good. I mean, you're not just trying to protect my feelings, are you?

  Susan : Why would I want to do that?

• Doctor Kelly : Well, Mr Harper, you'll be happy to know that it certainly wasn't a heart attack.

  Susan : Oh, thank God!

  Ben Harper : I never thought it was.

  Susan : Then why were you weeping and saying how much you loved the children?

  Ben Harper : Because you drove through three red lights!

• Doctor Kelly : How long have you been on Viagra?

  Ben Harper : No! I can assure you it was a one-off!

  Susan : Not even!

  [laughs] 

  Doctor Kelly : I sincerely doubt that your problem was caused by the Viagra. It's more likely due to the food you eat and a high level of stress.

  Ben Harper : Yes, in our house the food we eat *is* the source of stress!

• Ben Harper : You're looking at the new Ben! Positive Ben! The Ben who's open to new experiences! What's this?

  Susan : A new experience! It's bleach-free, low-salt rice! You like rice!

  Ben Harper : Yes, with chicken tikka masala. Do you have any bleach-free, low-salt chicken tikka masala?

  Susan : I thought you were thinking positive.

  Ben Harper : Compared to what I'm really thinking, that *is* positive!

• Susan : It's a different generation, Ben. Don't even try.

  Ben Harper : I'm not going to feel like an old fart because I don't like their stupid music!

  Nick Harper : No, you need to feel like an old fart because you've got hair in your ears!

  Nick Harper : Haha! Shut up!

• Janey Harper : Why don't you just have the yoga class in Nick's room?

  Nick Harper : A bunch of sweaty babes in skimpy tights? I'm in!

  Susan : I'm the youngest sweaty babe in the group.

  Nick Harper : I'm out!

• Susan : Do you know, dear, it would do you some good to join the yoga class.

  Ben Harper : Susan, please! Stop trying to change me!

  Susan : I'm just trying to help you.

  Ben Harper : How? By saying I'm old, decrepit and I've got hairy ears?

  Nick Harper : Actually, that was me!

• Susan : Sleep well?

  Ben Harper : No, I feel terrible! I had nightmares of Nick trying to kiss me!

  Susan : Odd. I kept having nightmares of sleeping next to a belching, snorting soak!

• Susan : Ben, this is Doreen. Doreen, my husband Ben.

  Ben Harper : Oh, hi.

  Doreen : Oh, you look a lot like my ex-husband. Same cruel mouth.

  Ben Harper : Oh, the fun starts here!

• Doreen : Down dog!

  Ben Harper : Up yours!

  Susan : Ben, down dog is a yoga position!

• Susan : You wouldn't leave me for a younger woman, would you?

  Ben Harper : Why? Do you know someone?