Quotes
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Susan Harper : Will you miss me?
Ben Harper : Darling, how can I if you don't leave?
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[last lines]
Susan : What happened to my dress?
Ben : Yeah, Nick was wearing it when I was trying to strangle him in the pub. Well, I was a bit tense, you know, because Michael had taken all the doorknobs and held me captive. And then Abi burnt my foot in the... soup.
Susan : [long pause] You know, I think I prefer it when you lie.
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[first lines]
Ben : Come on, Susan, shouldn't you be on your way by now?
Susan : Just taking Janey a couple of leftovers from last night. Her favorite: kipper balls.
Ben : Aren't kipper balls the reason Janey left in the first place?
Susan : I know your just saying that so I'll leave them here for you.
Ben : No, I'm really not.
Susan : It's OK; kipper balls don't travel.
Ben : Oh, believe me they travelled well last night.
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Susan Harper : [On visiting Janey at her university] It'll be fun being back at university again. Protest marches, all-night parties, wild sex...
Ben Harper : What?
Susan Harper : Just seeing if you were listening.
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Abi Harper : [Coming home drunk] I feel like I've spent all night on a bathroom floor and my head wedged behind a toilet.
Ben Harper : Where have you been?
Abi Harper : I've just told you!
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Ben Harper : What the hell are you doing?
Nick : I'm a female impersonator.
Ben Harper : Ah. Why don't you try impersonating a normal human being?
Nick : Nah, that's been done.
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Nick : Now, where's her jewellery?
Ben Harper : Oi! You're not nicking your mother's jewellery!
Nick : Well, I wouldn't have to if you bought me any of my own! That's why I've always had to depend on the kindness of strangers!
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Nick : [Dressed like a woman] Hello, handsome!
Ben Harper : Go away!
Nick : No, I mean it. I've come to apologise for what I did to you in the bedroom.
Drinker 1 : [Whoops with other drinkers]
Gerald : Is this your lovely wife, Harper? I don't think we've met before.
Nick : Charmed!
Ben Harper : This is not my wife.
Gerald : Ooh! While the cat's away, the mouse will play!
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Nick : [Dressed like a woman] I miss you, Ben.
Ben Harper : Oh, for...
[Followed by whoops from the other drinkers]
Nick : And the twins keep asking why daddy come round no more!
Gerald : Do you have twins?
Ben Harper : NICK!
Nick : Yes, that's the boy, and Nicolina. Don't punish them, Ben! Punish me!
Ben Harper : OK!
[Punches him in the face]
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Abi Harper : Hi.
Ben Harper : Oh, lovely. Wedged your head behind a toilet again?
Abi Harper : No. Nick made me stand in for him at the Cherry Vanilla.
Ben Harper : Oh, I bet that was a hot ticket!
Nick : So how did we do?
Abi Harper : Well, let's see! I went on at 9 - it's now 9.30? They said I'll never make it as a female impersonator - I'm not convincing enough.
Nick : I knew it. Never send a woman to do a man impersonating a woman's job.
