My Family (TV Series)

I Second That Emulsion (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : How are you doing there, Brian?

  Brian : [Putting up a shelf]  Nearly done, Mrs H.

  Susan Harper : You know, Stupid Brian's awfully good at this.

  Janey Harper : I wish you wouldn't call him Stupid Brian.

  Susan Harper : Sorry. Seems to have stuck. I don't know why.

  Brian : D'you know where my screwdriver is?

  Janey Harper : It's in your hand.

  Brian : Ah!

  Janey Harper : OK... But he is very kind.

  Susan Harper : Well, you always wanted a pet!

• Susan Harper : Brian... would you like some tea or coffee?

  Brian : Er...

  Janey Harper : Oh, well done, mum! You've confused him now!

• Susan Harper : So, what do I owe you?

  Brian : Oh, don't worry. I don't want anything for this. I just want to help you out.

  Janey Harper : No wonder they call you Stupid Brian!

• Janey Harper : Look, dad! Look what Brian's done!

  Ben : What? Oh, look! Knocked all the books off the shelf!

  Susan Harper : No. He's fixed the shelf.

  Ben : What? The shelf that I was going to fix?

  Susan Harper : No. The shelf I asked you to fix two months ago, but you still haven't done anything about.

  Ben : I was preparing!

  Susan Harper : Ben, it's a shelf, not a round-the-world yacht race.

• Brian : You chosen a colour yet, Mrs P?

  Susan Harper : Oh, I don't know. These things need a lot of careful thought.

  Ben : Oh, I see! Choosing a colour needs a lot of careful thought, but fixing a shelf... er, what are you talking about? What colour?

  Susan Harper : Surely you haven't forgotten?

  Ben : Forgotten what? How can I forget something I never knew?

  Susan Harper : Are you seriously suggesting I would go ahead and decorate the living room without consulting you?

  Ben : What did I say?

  Susan Harper : You said nothing.

  Ben : I was asleep, wasn't I?

  Susan Harper : Ben, I've got enough to do without checking whether you're awake or not.

• Ben : The living room is fine! You can sit in it, you can lie in it, you can watch telly in it, but it's... why change it?

  Susan Harper : Because you've got to keep things fresh - like a marriage.

  Ben : I don't want my marriage to be fresh!

  Susan Harper : I said *a* marriage.

• Ben : Susan! Susan!

  Susan Harper : Hmm?

  Ben : Look, I don't want to worry you, but something rather disturbing has happened.

  Susan Harper : You've made the tea, but you've forgotten to pour it into the cups.

  Ben : It's understandable. I'm upset.

  Susan Harper : What's happened now? Did the postman not push the letters all the way through again?

  Ben : No. Stupid Brian has spent the night with Janey.

  Susan Harper : What?

• Susan Harper : [Choosing paint colours]  Come on, come on, come on, come on! We're down to the last five! Oatmeal, barley white, taupe, cream or ecru.

  Ben : Susan, there is no discernible difference between any of them.

  Susan Harper : Maybe not to your eye.

  Ben : Look, they've just paid someone to come up with five different names for beige.

• Susan Harper : A battle isn't won until the last bullet is fired.

  Ben : It is if you're first out of the trench and you get shot in the head!

• Susan Harper : Oh. Well, I suppose you can go home now, Brian. We won't be needing you anymore.

  Janey Harper : Er, or... you can spend the rest of the day here with me. And the evening. And whatever.

  Brian : Ah. I'll just finish up here, then!

  Susan Harper : Janey?

  Janey Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : A word. In the kitchen.

  Janey Harper : Er, Brian, mum wants a word with us.

  Susan Harper : Alone.

  Janey Harper : Well, anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Brian.

  Susan Harper : Are you still waxing your lip?

  Janey Harper : Er, mum!

• Ben : Why are you always turning me into the pompous fart?

  Susan Harper : Because it's so easy!

• Janey Harper : Brian, are you coming to bed?

  Susan Harper : Excuse me, young lady? Are you determined to defy me?

  Janey Harper : Well, I haven't given it that much thought.

• Susan Harper : [On picking a paint colour]  I just can't take the stress. It's... it... it's too much trouble. And... and, you know, you haven't been too much help.

  Ben : I haven't been mu... Listen, you! You listen to me! I've been back and forth to that paint shop no fewer than eight times, while you make up your mind between cuttlefish, salmon pink and squid! I've spent £600 on paint, £200 on Nick's staff discount, not to mention the small fortune it's going to cost to repair the piano! Stress? You don't know the meaning of the word! And now you've got the utter bloody gall to say I've been no help!

  Susan Harper : [Pointing to Ben's angry face]  That's it! That's the colour I want for the sitting room!

• Susan Harper : I don't want to turn into my mother.

  Ben : *I* don't want you to turn into your mother!

  Susan Harper : When I was Janey's age, my mother was never off my back telling me what to do. No wonder I rebelled.

  Ben : You rebelled?

  Susan Harper : Yes - I married you.

  Ben : Well, that's great! At least I've got something to thank your mother for! I knew this was going to be a bad day!

• Susan Harper : [Spying on Janey and Brian's room]  What do you think they're doing in there?

  Ben : I don't know. I don't want to know. And thanks to you, I'm going to be wondering about it all day now!

• Janey Harper : [On seeing Brian open a can of bright pink paint]  Are you sure that's the colour you wanted?

  Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!

  Susan Harper : Maybe it'll be completely different once it's up on the wall.

  [Brian goes to off to paint the wall - paint is still bright pink] 

  Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!

  Brian : I quite like it! It's like Janey's bedroom!

• Janey Harper : What's your problem? Brian's staying!

  Susan Harper : Tut! Oh, I don't have a problem with that! It's... it's... it's... it's your father, yes! It... it makes him grumpy!

  Janey Harper : He's grumpy, anyway, so why change things? You know what I think, mum? You don't like the idea of Brian spending the night here and you're just thinking up reasons to justify it!

  Susan Harper : I don't need a reason - I'm your mother!

• Susan Harper : The point is you can't just invite a boy to stay without checking with us first.

  Janey Harper : Fine. Can Brian stay tonight?

  Susan Harper : No!

  Janey Harper : Why not?

  Susan Harper : Because!

  Janey Harper : Because? That's not a reason!

  Susan Harper : It's a very good reason!

  Janey Harper : Er, why?

  Susan Harper : Because... we didn't do it in our day!

  Janey Harper : Yeah, you did! You're just jealous because you felt guilty about it and I don't!

• Ben : Can you, for once, stop playing the kind and enlightened child of the Sixties?

  Susan Harper : Well, I am!

  Ben : No - you were. Hello? Wake up, hippy! Woodstock's over!