My Family (TV Series)

I Second That Emulsion (2001)

Kevin Bishop: Brian

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : How are you doing there, Brian?

  Brian : [Putting up a shelf]  Nearly done, Mrs H.

  Susan Harper : You know, Stupid Brian's awfully good at this.

  Janey Harper : I wish you wouldn't call him Stupid Brian.

  Susan Harper : Sorry. Seems to have stuck. I don't know why.

  Brian : D'you know where my screwdriver is?

  Janey Harper : It's in your hand.

  Brian : Ah!

  Janey Harper : OK... But he is very kind.

  Susan Harper : Well, you always wanted a pet!

• Susan Harper : Brian... would you like some tea or coffee?

  Brian : Er...

  Janey Harper : Oh, well done, mum! You've confused him now!

• Susan Harper : So, what do I owe you?

  Brian : Oh, don't worry. I don't want anything for this. I just want to help you out.

  Janey Harper : No wonder they call you Stupid Brian!

• Brian : You chosen a colour yet, Mrs P?

  Susan Harper : Oh, I don't know. These things need a lot of careful thought.

  Ben : Oh, I see! Choosing a colour needs a lot of careful thought, but fixing a shelf... er, what are you talking about? What colour?

  Susan Harper : Surely you haven't forgotten?

  Ben : Forgotten what? How can I forget something I never knew?

  Susan Harper : Are you seriously suggesting I would go ahead and decorate the living room without consulting you?

  Ben : What did I say?

  Susan Harper : You said nothing.

  Ben : I was asleep, wasn't I?

  Susan Harper : Ben, I've got enough to do without checking whether you're awake or not.

• Ben : Er, w-w-wait a minute. Have you been here all night?

  Brian : No, I've been in Janey's bedroom.

  Ben : Er, sorry... erm, Janey?

  Brian : I've been in Janey's bedroom!

  Ben : I know that. I... it's just that, er... I'm, I'm a bit, er... you know...

  Brian : Deaf!

  Ben : No. Er... what I'm trying to say is, er... have you been here all night?

  Brian : Yes.

  Ben : In Janey's bedroom?

  Brian : Yes.

  Ben : With Janey?

  Brian : Hope so.

• Brian : Why d'you keep calling me Stu?

  Nick Harper : Well, it's short for, erm... for, erm... Stupid.

  Brian : Ah! Cool!

• Susan Harper : Oh. Well, I suppose you can go home now, Brian. We won't be needing you anymore.

  Janey Harper : Er, or... you can spend the rest of the day here with me. And the evening. And whatever.

  Brian : Ah. I'll just finish up here, then!

  Susan Harper : Janey?

  Janey Harper : What?

  Susan Harper : A word. In the kitchen.

  Janey Harper : Er, Brian, mum wants a word with us.

  Susan Harper : Alone.

  Janey Harper : Well, anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Brian.

  Susan Harper : Are you still waxing your lip?

  Janey Harper : Er, mum!

• Brian : So, can I talk about Janey now?

  Ben : No, please!

  Brian : She's doing my nut in!

  Ben : Yeah, well, welcome to the family!

  Brian : She wants me to stay the night. And if I stay, I'm going to upset your missus. And if I don't, I'm going to upset Janey. Whatever I do, I'm going to upset somebody.

  Ben : Welcome to the family!

• Nick Harper : [Coming from under the dust sheets]  Hello, Stu!

  Brian : [Startled]  Alright? I didn't see you there!

  Nick Harper : I know. Someone put a sheet over me.

  Brian : Yeah, that was me. Why didn't you say anything?

  Nick Harper : I thought you were tucking me in.

• Nick Harper : So, Stu. How's the decorating going? Not much happening, is there?

  Brian : I don't know. I haven't started yet.

• Janey Harper : [On seeing Brian open a can of bright pink paint]  Are you sure that's the colour you wanted?

  Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!

  Susan Harper : Maybe it'll be completely different once it's up on the wall.

  [Brian goes to off to paint the wall - paint is still bright pink] 

  Ben : Looks like a tart's boudoir!

  Brian : I quite like it! It's like Janey's bedroom!