- Michael: You'll never guess what I've just seen on the internet.
- Ben: Let's see, adolescent boy, internet, big smile on face... I don't want to know.
- Michael: No, listen, I've just found out this is an unhappy house.
- Ben: Really, it took you fifteen years to find out?
- Michael: No, no, it's officially an unhappy house. I found this local history site when I was searching for my project, and it says this place is cursed. Everyone who's ever lived here has had terrible misfortune.
- Ben: Can't you ever just stumble upon a hardcore porn site like any normal teenager?
- [During an exorcism by Nick and Micheal at Abi's request, a sleeping Ben is sprayed with holy water ,in fact tap water, by Nick and is threatened by Micheal with a hammer and wooden stake]
- Ben: This house has gone insane.
- Abi: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
- Ben: [to Abi] You, you're unhinged.
- [to Micheal]
- Ben: You, you're demented.
- [to Nick]
- Ben: You, you're just you.
- Nick: Dad, I'm going to need some money to buy petrol.
- Ben: No, you don't. You haven't got a car to put petrol in.
- Nick: Yes, I have - yours. I'm using it as a minicab.
- Ben: Why don't you buy your own petrol?
- Nick: Why should I? It's your car.
- Ben: Susan, I'm sorry. I can't talk to him. Would you say something to him?
- Susan: OK. Nick, can you give me a lift to the office?
- Nick: Pleasure, mum. Would that be family rate or senior citizen?
- Alexi: No, no, no, no. Flowers not from husband. From a man named 'Kark'.
- Susan: 'Kark'? Oh, my God! Not Kirk Mason? I haven't seen him in years!
- Alexi: Just out of prison.
- Susan: No, he's just an old... friend.
- Alexi: [laughs] Oh, crikey!
- Susan: What, 'oh, crikey'? He's just a friend!
- Alexi: It's just in my village, one flower means friend. Two dozen means he wants to have eight children. Starting tonight.
- Susan: I've just seen the guy who dumped me 28 years ago and he doesn't look like he's suffered for one single second! It's not fair! He looks like Dorian Gray and I look like the portrait in the attic!
- Susan: Well, you see, this man wants to have an affair with me and he asked me for my mobile number and I panicked and yours was the only one I could remember, so I gave him yours.
- Janey Harper: Mum? You're having an affair? What took you so long?
- Jocelyn, Dental Assistant: Your 9 o'clock's here, Mr Harper.
- Ben: Never mind that. I'm busy... being duped.
- Jocelyn, Dental Assistant: You're not busy!
- Ben: And I'm not listening, so there!
- Abi: Nick, do you believe in the supernatural?
- Nick: Well, I don't want to brag.
- Abi: No, really. Last night during the thunderstorm, I heard this weird cackling.
- Nick: I had a dream about a carrot. Do you think there's a connection?
- Abi: And then today, my tuna sandwich just disappeared.
- Nick: Oh, sorry!
- Abi: You know what we need?
- Nick: A lot more food in this house!
- Abi: No, an exorcist!
- Susan: I'm sorry, Ben, but I'm... I'm petty.
- Ben: I, er... I don't know what to say, Susan.
- Susan: Well, I'm not very proud of myself.
- Ben: I mean, why be petty with him? You've got me to be petty with!
- Susan: I know. And I'm very petty with you! And it's good! It's really good! But with Kirk, it's... it's different.
- Ben: Don't I give you enough opportunities? Good God, woman! I let you be petty with me at least, what, nine, ten times a day! That should be enough for any normal wife! But not you, Susan! No, you know what you are? You're... you're insatiable!
- Susan: I know.
- Ben: I just want you to put a stop to this right now!
- Susan: OK, Ben. I'm sorry. I'll keep all my petty, vindictive, mean-spirited impulses just for you, from now on!
- Ben: Good! Good! Can we put this whole Kirk saga behind us, yeah?
- Susan: Yes. Providing you never wear your socks again in bed.
- Ben: Oh, you drive me wild, you petty little minx!