My Family (TV Series)

Get Cartier (2001)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Michael Harper : Hi mum.

  Ian : Hello, Mrs Harper.

  Susan Harper : Hello boys. Oh, boys, boys! Could you just take five minutes and help me look for something?

  Michael Harper : It's never five minutes.

  Ian : Of course, Mrs Harper. I'd love to help.

  Susan Harper : [Hugs Ian]  Oh, that some night-tripping fairy had exchanged! In cradle-clothes our children where they lay!

  Michael Harper : That's why nothing ever takes five minutes around here!

  Susan Harper : Please, boys! It's our anniversary in less than a week and I still haven't found what your father got me.

  Michael Harper : So why not wait?

  Susan Harper : What did he buy me last year? The Millennium Edition Dustbuster! And how about the year before that? A Breville sandwich maker!

  Ian : My mum's got one of those.

  Susan Harper : And ooh, lucky her!

  Michael Harper : So why don't we ever have sandwiches?

  Susan Harper : Because I exchanged it before he gave it to me, put the new gift where he hid the old one, and then on our anniversary, voila - I love my gift and he's either too forgetful or too embarrassed to say he got me something else and everybody's happy!

  Ian : Erm... I think I'll go home now!

• [the family are not enjoying Susan's dinner] 

  Susan Harper : So, why is no one eating?

  Ben Harper : Well... we thought we'd let it breathe a bit more.

  Michael Harper : To bring out the bouquet.

  Janey Harper : I'd rather bring out the bin!

• Ben Harper : [after receiving a set of tyres from some mysterious men]  Susan, you don't understand! I'm telling you this is a gift from the mob!

  Nick Harper : What mob?

  Janey Harper : Dad's involved with the mob!

  Michael Harper : Yeah, right! What would the mob want dad for?

  Nick Harper : Target practice?

  [Everyone except Ben laughs] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, yes! Fine! Laugh! Go on, laugh - until I botch up a gangster's filling and mysteriously disappear!

  Susan Harper : At least I'll have the tyres to remember you by!

• Susan Harper : Ben, there is no mob!

  Michael Harper : Of course there's a mob! They control 6.3% of the world's economy through drug trafficking, gambling, diamond smuggling, real estate and prostitution.

  Nick Harper : Incredible. Are they taking on staff?

• Susan Harper : For God's sakes, why are you all afraid to try something new?

  Ben Harper : Experience!

  [Susan gives a stern look] 

  Ben Harper : ...teaches us that, er... you know, in many ways...

  Michael Harper : Should I help you, dad? It's just you're digging your own grave.

• Ben Harper : [Thinking that the mob sent him some tyres]  We're giving the tyres back and we're not mentioning it again! We do not accept favours from people like that!

  Susan Harper : Although I wouldn't mind something happening to those ugly garden gnomes next door.

  Michael Harper : I like the Baxters.

  Susan Harper : Not the family! The gnomes!

• Susan Harper : Enough is enough! I'm not having my children fencing auto parts and meat by-products out of my living room!

  Michael Harper : Look, mum, if you want a piece of the action, just ask!

  Susan Harper : And if you want to see puberty, just stop!