Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : I'm going to transcend petty party politics. I'm standing as an independent, like, er... what's his name? Who's the man in the white suit?

  Ben Harper : Alec Guinness?

  Susan Harper : No.

  Michael Harper : Barry Manilow?

  Susan Harper : No.

  Abi Harper : Ricardo Montalban?

  Susan Harper : Thank you! Martin Bell!

• Susan Harper : I'm going to be a single-issue candidate: street hygiene.

  Ben Harper : Oh, street? That'll pull them in! Whoa! Vote for Susan Harper - your dog poo candidate! Michael, your own mother is standing on dog crap!

  Michael Harper : It'll be all over the newspapers!

  Ben Harper : It's a smear campaign!

• Ben Harper : [Doing a crossword]  Look, I need to know the name of an Old Testament prophet, sounds like a Spanish town in reverse.

  Michael Harper : Mmm... I'm not helping you with that.

  Ben Harper : Oh, come on, Mikey! It's the prize puzzle! I've only got four days left to finish it!

  Michael Harper : Four days? Roger does it...

  Ben Harper : Yes, I know, I know! Just... just give me the answer. Come on.

  Michael Harper : You'll only be cheating yourself.

  Ben Harper : No, I won't. I'll be cheating Roger.

  Michael Harper : But think: if you do this puzzle by yourself, you'll end up a complete and bigger human being... who's possibly less tight with his cash!

• Ben Harper : What have you got in there?

  Michael Harper : It's Nicola.

  Ben Harper : Nicola? You bought a pet? No, well, every boy should have a pet. It brings out their caring side. What'd you get? Hmm? What'd you get? Let's have a look. A little look... L-l-l-look... You've got a kitten? I love cats! Can I... can I pick her up?

  Michael Harper : Feel free!

  Ben Harper : Oh, look!

  [Picks up a tarantula without realising] 

  Ben Harper : You know, I always wanted a kitten when I was a kid! Hmm... I got lumbered with a hamster. I called it Puss. But cats are so much c...

  [Realises he's holding a tarantula and runs away] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, for crying out loud, Mikey! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off me! Get it off! You let me pick it up!

  Michael Harper : You asked to pick her up!

  Ben Harper : You could have stopped me!

  Michael Harper : I don't like to presume!

• Ben Harper : [about Michael's pet tarantula]  Oh, my God! It's creepy! It's disgusting! It doesn't even look like a Nicola!

  Michael Harper : Mum said it was OK.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, but she doesn't react like normal people, does she? I mean, she's... she's sweet and everything and we love her, but there's something wrong with her brain! Get rid of it!

  Michael Harper : If Nicola goes, I go!

  Ben Harper : Great! A package!

• Susan Harper : [about Michael's pet tarantula]  Is she poisonous?

  Michael Harper : Well, I wouldn't put it that way.

  Susan Harper : Well, what way would you put it?

  Michael Harper : The actual term is 'venomous'.