My Family (TV Series)

Droit de Seigneur Ben (2000)

Daniela Denby-Ashe: Janey Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : What are you studying?

  Janey : French.

  Ben : French. Oh, I was good at French. Zut! Not bad, eh? Alors...

• Ben : [about her date]  Hi, Janey. Hey, hold on! How'd it go?

  Janey : It was fine, dad. Really fine. No... it was more than fine. It was brilliant, OK? In fact, it was so brilliant, I think you should give up dentistry and start up your own dating agency, OK? Now stop grilling me and leave me alone!

  Ben : [pause, then to himself]  She makes opera sound rational!

• Ben : Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear?

  Janey : Disgustingly so.

  Ben : So, you understand what I'm saying?

  Janey : What... what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to! This is not your problem, Dad!

  Ben : Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.

• Susan : Come on, it's just us girls, so tell.

  Janey : Nothing to tell.

  Susan : All right, OK; I was just curious, you know. I'm here, you're here, no pressure. Whenever you want to talk.

  [Susan reads the newspaper] 

  Susan : Oh for God's sake. The only reason why I had a daughter was to have these intimate moments. Give me something.

  Janey : OK, well, what do you want to hear? That dinner was nice, the movie was OK; oh, and he was a great kisser until he wouldn't stop.

  Susan : Stop kissing?

  Janey : What do you think?

  Susan : Oh my God.

  Janey : Oh, please mum. It's not an 'oh my God'; it could have been but it wasn't.

  Susan : What did you do?

  Janey : Well, he didn't understand the word no, so I used international sign language - heel palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE.

  Susan : Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope.

  Janey : What, in case the Vikings attacked?

• Susan Harper : I remember all the feelings I had when I was first going out. The thrill of the chase. What they kissed like. How I felt when I touched them...

  Janey : Mum!

  Nick : Oh, God!

  Michael Harper : I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life!

  Susan Harper : It's just sex, boys!

• Janey : [after finding out Ben has set her up on a blind date]  YOU DID WHAT?

  Ben : It wasn't my idea, for God's sake! It was Brigitte's!

  Janey : Oh, that's right! Deny all responsibility!

  Ben : I tried that when you were born - didn't work!

• Susan : Who was that?

  Janey : He's ruining my life!

  Susan : Ah. Your father.

  Janey : Do you know what he did?

  Susan : Is this multiple choice or essay?

• Janey : Dad has no judgement! I mean, he wears socks with his sandals and he has hair in his ears that he never trims!

  Nick : Actually, it's very impressive that a human can carry such lush vegetation in their ears!

• Janey : This is dad we're talking about! Can you imagine the kind of loser he'd pick as a date?

  Susan : Me?

• Susan : Did you father say when he was coming home?

  Janey : Hopefully never.

  Susan : Don't be rude.

  Janey : Oh, so sorry, mum. Daddy didn't say when he was coming home - he was too busy mucking up my puking life!

  Susan : Much better!

  Janey : You know, you might not find this whole thing so sweet when I jump off Tower Bridge and my pathetic, lifeless body gets swept out to sea!

  Susan : Don't be so dramatic, dear. While the Thames is an estuary, your pathetically lifeless body will probably be swept only as far as Barking... which I believe lacks some of the romance you'd want!

• [Nick jumps on the sofa with a copy of Hello!] 

  Janey : Isn't there another room you can go to?

  Nick : I'm not bothering you!

  Janey : You're in my line of sight!

  Nick : Don't take it out on me just because dad has to find you dates!

  Janey : I don't need anyone to find me a date! Especially with some pseudo-posh git who I'm supposed to drool over just because his dad's Lord Whitebum or something!

  Nick : [Reading Hello!]  You mean, Lord Whitten? Enjoying a joke with his lovely wife Serena and their family at Crufts.

  Janey : What have you got there?

  Nick : There's a picture of all of them in Hello!

  Janey : Yeah, right!

  [Snatches the magazine off Nick to see the family picture] 

  Nick : Oi!

  Janey : Oh my God! That's his son? He's absolutely gorgeous!

• Ben : What's that smell?

  Janey : It's incense. Adds an aura of mystery.

  Ben : Oh. Bit like mum's cooking?