My Family (TV Series)
Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2001)
Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper
Quotes
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Nick : Anyone know what this is?
Michael Harper : What does it look like?
Nick : Either fresh broccoli or old ham.
Janey Harper : Oi, don't put it back!
Nick : If I don't put it back, then we're just going to have to wash the container!
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Michael Harper : Just because mum's ill doesn't mean you're in charge, you know?
Janey Harper : No, but it does mean I can hurt you!
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Janey Harper : [Stopping Michael from answering the phone] Don't. It's just going to be Brian.
Michael Harper : What if it isn't?
Janey Harper : Well, then it'll be for mum. In which case, you're going to have to stop what you're doing, find a pen and paper, write down every boring detail of their boring message, only for someone to lose it. And then when they call back, she'll say "Oh, you rang? I never got the note!" And you'll end up looking like a total prat just because you answered the phone. I'm warning you, Michael. No good will come of it.
Michael Harper : It might be for me, you know?
Janey Harper : Yeah, right!
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Michael Harper : Did you know we had a 93-year-old Aunt Margaret? Because grandma said she just died.
Nick : Oh my God! How?
Janey Harper : [Sarcastically] Kickboxing! She was 93, Nick!
Nick : I hope I'm that active at her age!
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Ben Harper : So, Mikey! Michael, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey, Mikey! My son! My boy! Eh?
Michael Harper : Don't make me do anything we'll regret!
Ben Harper : Come on, Mike! Hey, it's just a bit of father and son time together up in Leeds, you know? Just the two of us, have a bit of fun, take in the sights...
Michael Harper : Go to a funeral?
Ben Harper : If you like.
Michael Harper : Sorry, dad. It's just too traumatic.
Ben Harper : Oh, come on, Mike! It's only a funeral.
Michael Harper : I meant the father-son time.
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Michael Harper : Mum?
Susan Harper : Hmm?
Michael Harper : I brought you a bell to ring if you need anything. I also made you a sandwich.
Susan Harper : [Waves Michael off]
Michael Harper : The cupboard was empty, so I improvised - just like you!
Susan Harper : [Removes towel in horror]
Michael Harper : You'll be amazed how much I've learned over the years just by watching you!
Susan Harper : Please... please go away!
Michael Harper : We've run out of tuna, so I used smoked oysters. And chutney.
Susan Harper : Ugh...
Michael Harper : No, no, no! It'll build your strength! Lots of protein! See all the nice big chunks?
Susan Harper : [Runs to the toilet to throw up] Michael!
Michael Harper : I'll just leave it here for later!