My Family (TV Series)
Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2001)
Kris Marshall: Nick Harper
Photos
Quotes
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[Nick is trying to chat up the much-pierced hotel maid]
Nick : So what do you do?
Rita : I work in a hotel.
Nick : You work in a hotel, I stay in a hotel. We got a lot in common. How high up does that tattoo go?
Rita : None of your business.
Nick : Oh, well, it is actually, 'cause I'm a professional tattoo artist. I'm here for the tattoo convention.
Rita : Oh yeah? So how come you don't have any tattoos?
Nick : But I do. I just don't use ink. I'm just in it for the pain.
Rita : All right! So you like a bit of S&M? B&D?
Nick : Oh, S&M, B&D, Q, LMNOP, all the letters.
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[first lines]
Janey Harper : [on the telephone] Because if we're going to have any kind of relationship, Brian, I need to know what actually goes on in your head.
Nick : This is going to be a short call.
Janey Harper : No, no, you can't just think about me all the time. Because you can't make a living just thinking about me. Let's focus, OK. What do you think about when you're not thinking about me.
Nick : Chips!
Janey Harper : [flips Nick off] Brian, you can't just think about chips.
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Nick : Anyone know what this is?
Michael Harper : What does it look like?
Nick : Either fresh broccoli or old ham.
Janey Harper : Oi, don't put it back!
Nick : If I don't put it back, then we're just going to have to wash the container!
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Janey Harper : You're actually eating that?
Nick : Hey, I'm hungry!
Janey Harper : So, which is it - broccoli or ham?
Nick : Fish, I think. Or cheese.
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Michael Harper : Did you know we had a 93-year-old Aunt Margaret? Because grandma said she just died.
Nick : Oh my God! How?
Janey Harper : [Sarcastically] Kickboxing! She was 93, Nick!
Nick : I hope I'm that active at her age!
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Ben Harper : Can I just have no bad news for 20 minutes please...
Janey Harper : [Smiles at Ben while handing him a bottle of whisky]
Ben Harper : ...and no requests for money...
Nick : [Smiling at Ben]
Ben Harper : ...and no! Nothing else either!
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Ben Harper : Much as this might come as a surprise to you, Nick, I don't want you to come.
Nick : Oh, come on, dad! You obviously need company.
Ben Harper : And just as obviously, I don't want it to be you!
Janey Harper : Why do you want to go to a funeral, anyway?
Nick : Well, it's not the funeral, it's dad. You know, we're both getting older? Eventually, I'll be moving out, he'll be dead...
Ben Harper : Yeah, and I know which will come first!
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Ben Harper : Look, if you don't give me my two rooms, I shall take my business elsewhere!
Desk Clerk : Ah, well. That's sorted then. Bye-bye!
Nick : Excuse me, mate. We'll take the one small room. OK?
Ben Harper : No! No!
Desk Clerk : Do you want it?
Ben Harper : [Thinks] I hate you!
Nick : That means yes!
Desk Clerk : Good. Of course, you'll have to share a bed.
Ben Harper : I'd rather eat glass! I'm going elsewhere! Thank you!
Nick : Are you ashamed of our love?
[to receptionist]
Nick : And he did promise me Paris!
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Nick : So when are you going to talk to me again? In an hour? In a day?
Ben Harper : How about never? Hmm? Is never soon enough!
Nick : [Teasing Ben] You just talked!
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Nick : Hey. I was expecting someone else.
Ben Harper : So was I, but your mother swears you're ours!
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Ben Harper : I don't believe this! This is a bloody nightmare!
Nick : Oh, it's not that bad. We'll just share a bed.
Ben Harper : That *is* the bloody nightmare, you pillock!
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Nick : I mean, I really care about what's-her-name... and now she cancels our date because she has to work!
Ben Harper : What do you think, Nick? She's going to give up her job so she can sleep with you?
Nick : Well, if you put it like that... YES!
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Sanjay : Room service!
Ben Harper : [Putting on his trousers] What? What the hell?
Sanjay : You ordered champagne?
Ben Harper : No, I didn't.
Sanjay : And chips.
Ben Harper : Oh, f... Nick!
Sanjay : [Thinking Ben and Nick are a couple] My, my! Been busy, I see!
Ben Harper : No, no, no! This is not what it looks like, OK?
Nick : [Walks into the room in his underwear]
Sanjay : Don't worry. We're very discreet around here!
Ben Harper : For God's sake! Please! This is my son!
Sanjay : I'm not here to judge!
Ben Harper : No... Nick, did you order this?
Nick : Well, you know... I thought it was going to be a special night!
Sanjay : Want me to open this, then, or should I leave you two alone?
Ben Harper : Look, take your chips and your champagne and yourself and, and... and get out, please! Thank you!
Nick : Oh, don't worry about him. He's just in a hurry to get to bed!
Sanjay : I understand.
Ben Harper : No, you don't understand, OK? There is nothing to understand, alright?
Sanjay : You could do better!
Nick : Don't I know?
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Nick : Come on, dad! Relax, man! It's not like the first time we shared a bed! Remember that night in Cardiff?
Ben Harper : God! You were six! Yeah, you threw up all over me!
Nick : Good times!
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Ben Harper : [In the same bed as Nick] You... you and Rita? Rita! What? I'm so sorry it didn't work out between you!
Nick : Me too. Me too. Between you and me, I'm pretty horny!
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Ben Harper : What are you doing?
Nick : Signing the guestbook.
Ben Harper : David Beckham and Victoria Adams?
Nick : Thought I'd give them a bit of a thrill when they go through it later!
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Susan Harper : [Staring at Aunt Margaret's coffin] Look. Look what she's wearing.
Nick : Mum, she's dead. I don't think she's going for a fashion statement.
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Ben Harper : My name is Harper, alright? Ben Harper! I swear!
Aunt Kate : Don't take the Lord's name in vain!
Ben Harper : I didn't take the Lord's name in vain!
Aunt Kate : But you were thinking it!
Ben Harper : Shut up! Nick, could you tell them what my name is, please?
Nick : Talulah!
Ben Harper : What kind of an answer is that?
Nick : What kind of question is that?
Ben Harper : My name is Harper, alright? I'm telling you - Ben Harper!
Uncle Frank : So now you're lying to a priest! Ralph, you're going to Hell!
Ben Harper : Too late! I'm already there!
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Nick : [At a funeral, about Ben and Susan] I swear, I just can't take them anywhere!
