My Family (TV Series)

Death and Ben Take a Holiday (2001)

Daniela Denby-Ashe: Janey Harper

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Janey Harper : [on the telephone]  Because if we're going to have any kind of relationship, Brian, I need to know what actually goes on in your head.

  Nick : This is going to be a short call.

  Janey Harper : No, no, you can't just think about me all the time. Because you can't make a living just thinking about me. Let's focus, OK. What do you think about when you're not thinking about me.

  Nick : Chips!

  Janey Harper : [flips Nick off]  Brian, you can't just think about chips.

• Nick : Anyone know what this is?

  Michael Harper : What does it look like?

  Nick : Either fresh broccoli or old ham.

  Janey Harper : Oi, don't put it back!

  Nick : If I don't put it back, then we're just going to have to wash the container!

• Michael Harper : Just because mum's ill doesn't mean you're in charge, you know?

  Janey Harper : No, but it does mean I can hurt you!

• Janey Harper : [Stopping Michael from answering the phone]  Don't. It's just going to be Brian.

  Michael Harper : What if it isn't?

  Janey Harper : Well, then it'll be for mum. In which case, you're going to have to stop what you're doing, find a pen and paper, write down every boring detail of their boring message, only for someone to lose it. And then when they call back, she'll say "Oh, you rang? I never got the note!" And you'll end up looking like a total prat just because you answered the phone. I'm warning you, Michael. No good will come of it.

  Michael Harper : It might be for me, you know?

  Janey Harper : Yeah, right!

• Janey Harper : You're actually eating that?

  Nick : Hey, I'm hungry!

  Janey Harper : So, which is it - broccoli or ham?

  Nick : Fish, I think. Or cheese.

• Michael Harper : Did you know we had a 93-year-old Aunt Margaret? Because grandma said she just died.

  Nick : Oh my God! How?

  Janey Harper : [Sarcastically]  Kickboxing! She was 93, Nick!

  Nick : I hope I'm that active at her age!

• Ben Harper : Can I just have no bad news for 20 minutes please...

  Janey Harper : [Smiles at Ben while handing him a bottle of whisky] 

  Ben Harper : ...and no requests for money...

  Nick : [Smiling at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : ...and no! Nothing else either!

• Ben Harper : So, Janey? What about a little shopping spree in Leeds, hmm? Just the two of us? Huh? There's a Harvey Nicks there!

  Janey Harper : Uh-uh! I remember Aunt Margaret!

  Ben Harper : No, you don't! Last time she came here, you were a baby!

  Janey Harper : Grey hair in a bun, cold blue eyes and when I wouldn't let her take my dummy, she swung me around by my teeth until I let go!

  Ben Harper : Yep. That's right - you do remember.

  Janey Harper : Remember? I'll need therapy for years!

• Ben Harper : Much as this might come as a surprise to you, Nick, I don't want you to come.

  Nick : Oh, come on, dad! You obviously need company.

  Ben Harper : And just as obviously, I don't want it to be you!

  Janey Harper : Why do you want to go to a funeral, anyway?

  Nick : Well, it's not the funeral, it's dad. You know, we're both getting older? Eventually, I'll be moving out, he'll be dead...

  Ben Harper : Yeah, and I know which will come first!

• Janey Harper : I hope you're enjoying your break, mum.

  Susan Harper : [In bed with a cold]  Actually, I'm not. I'm bored and I'm starving.

  Janey Harper : But I thought Michael made you a sandwich...

  Susan Harper : Don't... don't remind me!

• Janey Harper : You know, mum, Stupid Brian said that he might have some pills which might help?

  Susan Harper : And you trust pharmaceuticals from someone whose first name is Stupid?