Quotes
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[Nick has just announced his intention to form a motorcycle stunt display team]
Susan : Nick, who, uh, who is in this stunt display team?
Nick : Ah, it's just me so far. Oh, and Spike.
Susan : Not blind Spike?
Nick : I keep telling you, mum, he's not blind. He's partially sighted.
Ben : Nick, how is Spike going to ride a motorbike being, you know, partially sighted and all that?
Nick : No, no, no, no, you see, I'll be doing all the riding. Yeah, Spike just sets fire to the bales of hay, puts paraffin in the milk bottles; you know, technical stuff.
Susan : Oh please, not fire.
Ben : So, so, so, your, your, your team, your, your team consists of you and Spike.
Nick : Don't forget Radar.
Susan : Who's Radar?
Nick : Spike's Alsatian.
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Ben : You did *what?*
Nick : I saved it up.
Ben : £1,255?
Nick : Think about it, Dad. All those jobs, all with severance pay. Soon adds up.
Susan : I don't think it's very wise to keep it all in cash.
Nick : I don't. I just got it out of the bank yesterday.
Ben : You have a bank account?
Nick : Actually it's an ISA. My money works so I don't have to.
Ben : No, no, no, no, *I* work so you don't have to.
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[first lines]
Nurse In Dream : Hello, Mr. Harper. How're you feeling?
Ben : Bloody awful.
Nurse In Dream : Now, now, there's absolutely nothing to worry about. The surgeon will be here in a moment, and then we'll put you under anesthetic. The next thing you know, you'll wake up and you'll be fine.
Ben : Mmm, you could even make major surgery sound pleasant. Wait a minute, I am having major surgery.
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Nick : We will see on Saturday.
Ben : Saturday?
Nick : Yup. We've been hired to appear at the Peachborough Rock Festival, right next to the beer tent. Smooth.
Ben : Nick, don't you think that's not going to give you like enough time to practise?
Nick : Ah, I'll just wing it. It's going to be brilliant.
Susan : But, but, but, surely you need some sort of qualification.
Nick : All right, it's going to be completely brilliant.
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Susan : [Holding a big wad of cash] Look what I found in Nick's pocket!
Ben : G... oh, my God!
Susan : There must be over £1,000 in here! I don't understand!
Ben : Don't you? Don't you think something smells the tiniest bit fishy?
Susan : That's probably Nick's boxer shorts.
Ben : No, no, no! When have you heard 'Nick', 'money' - those two concepts linked without 'dad' and 'can I borrow' attached?
Susan : There's probably an explanation.
Ben : Yep, there probably is. But which one? What, forgery? Baby farming? Or maybe our old friend, international arms trafficking?
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Susan : What's he going to do with the money?
Ben : I don't think that's any of our business.
Susan : And it isn't. But I'm sure Nick wants to show you that whatever he's doing is perfectly legal and above board.
Ben : No, he doesn't!
Nick : Yes, I do!
Ben : No, he doesn't! You just want to prove your stupid point!
Nick : I'm buying a motorbike!
Susan : My point may be stupid, but it's not as stupid as your point, whatever it is!
[to Nick]
Susan : What did you just say?
Nick : I'm buying a motorbike. Second hand.
Susan : There you are - a perfectly sensible purchase! He can go out, look for jobs, run errands...
Nick : Actually, I'm forming a motorcycle stunt display team!
Susan : What?
Ben : And there was me thinking he was doing something stupid!
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Ben : [laughs] Oh, dear! I'm just laughing at the fact of Nick, Spike, a dog and a motorbike taking the entertainment world by storm!
[Susan gives a stern look]
Ben : Well, it tickles me!
Susan : And will it tickle you when our son is lying on a hospital bed?
Ben : Susan, he's not gonna go through with it. He'll probably crash the bike before it gets out the gate.
Susan : And that's supposed to make me feel better?
Ben : Just let Nick make his own mistakes. It's the one thing he's good at.
Susan : Exactly! These are Nick's mistakes - they're bigger and better than other people's!
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Janey Harper : Basically, all I'm doing is serving food to people!
Susan : Isn't that basically what waitressing is?
Janey Harper : Yeah, but they're just people! You know, shopkeepers, office workers - where are the big guns?
Susan : Come on! You didn't expect to be discovered on the first day?
Ben : Wait till your first pay packet. That'll bring a smile back to your face.
Janey Harper : Yeah, it's always money with you, isn't it?
Ben : Yes. Or murder.
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Susan : [Trying to stop Nick from doing a motorcycle stunt] Nick, don't do this! You're my only son!
Michael Harper : Hey!
Susan : Apart from Michael! I don't know what I would if anything happened to you!
Ben : I've got a list!
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Ben : How the hell did this happen?
Nick : Well, it was all going so well until Spike added a bit too much paraffin to the flaming wall of tyres. I got blinded by the smoke and hit the side of a cow.
Susan : You were jumping a motorbike over a cow?
Nick : Not by design. She was in the next field.
Ben : Oh, I see. So, you hit a cow. Was the cow alright?
Nick : She was bloody brilliant! The crowd went wild!
Ben : You land on your head?
Nick : Oh, I don't know. My mind's gone a complete blank.
Ben : Yeah. Back to normal, then.
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Susan : We thought they weren't going to let you out for a few more days!
Nick : Oh, so did I. But I got thrown out.
Michael Harper : You got thrown out of a hospital?
Nick : It weren't my fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Ben : It was an operating theatre, Nick.
Nick : I was hanging out with the guys!
Ben : They were heart surgeons, Nick.
