- Susan Harper: This operation - what exactly is it for?
- Ambyr Banks: I'm having a mole removed from my bottom.
- Susan Harper: Oh, dear. I hope it's not serious.
- Andy Banks: I'm afraid it is. It ruins the perfect curve of her peachy buttocks.
- [first lines]
- Ben: OK, just relax and sit back, and let's take a little look, shall we? Now, open wide.
- Mr. Henshaw: Huh huh hmmph.
- [clenching jaw]
- Ben: Mr Henshaw, I... I can't check your teeth until I can see them.
- Mr. Henshaw: Well, I'm scared. I don't like pain.
- Ben: Mr Henshaw, I've been a dentist for over twenty years and the only person who has suffered as a result is me.
- Mr. Henshaw: That another joke?
- Ben: Sadly, no.
- Ben: Ah! Miss... er, could you...
- Dental Assistant: I've already done it.
- Ben: Done what? I haven't asked yet.
- Dental Assistant: Well, you're about to do a root canal, so you obviously need extra lignocaine for the pain.
- Mr. Henshaw: What?
- Ben: Alright, Mr Henshaw. Next patient.
- Dental Assistant: No, there is no next patient.
- Andy Banks: Well, we can catch up at dinner tonight?
- Ben: I thought we had just caught up.
- Andy Banks: So is tonight not good?
- Ben: No, sorry. Er... I have a dental conference.
- Dental Assistant: No, that's next month.
- Ben: No, the other thing.
- Dental Assistant: That was cancelled.
- Ben: The more important thing.
- Dental Assistant: You weren't invited.
- Janey Harper: What are you doing?
- Susan Harper: Learning Russian. I've got a tour group coming in from Moscow next week.
- Janey Harper: Oh, that's great, mum! How do you say 'Will you buy me Prada shoes?' in Russian?
- Susan Harper: [Looks through phrasebook] Let me see... Ah! Here it is - 'nyet!'
- Janey Harper: Since you're eating out, can we get a takeaway?
- Susan Harper: No. I'm making borscht. It's a delicious Russian soup made with beetroot and sour cream.
- Janey Harper: Are you sure borscht isn't the sound you make after you've eaten it?
- Ben: You'll never guess what happened to me today.
- Susan Harper: Your old friend Andy called round, his wife's going in for surgery and we're having dinner with them tonight at La Garage.
- Ben: Ah. I see my new über-assistant has been phoning in. God! She's so efficient, she's killing me!
- Susan Harper: Well, I think she's quite marvellous.
- Ben: I think she's quite fired.
- Ben: Susan, I... I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.
- Susan Harper: I thought he was your friend. He's on our Christmas card list.
- Ben: So's the paper boy, but I've never eaten with him.
- Susan Harper: It's not often I get to meet one of your friends.
- Janey Harper: That's because he hasn't got any.
- Ben: I have lots of friends, actually. Just none I like.
- Janey Harper: When is the last time I asked you for anything?
- Susan Harper: This morning at breakfast. You wanted an egg white omelette and a car.
- Janey Harper: And did I get either? Nyet! Come on, mum! If you asked me for something, I'd gladly get it.
- Susan Harper: Fine. Help me get dinner ready.
- Janey Harper: And then I get the shoes?
- Susan Harper: Then you get to eat!
- Janey Harper: What? After we eat, I get the shoes?
- Susan Harper: Janey, I'm too tired for this.
- Janey Harper: Good. Give in!
- Janey Harper: So, this, er, so-called friend. How did you meet - the No-Friends Club?
- Ben: The No-Friends Club? Ooh! No, at school, actually. I stopped a group of kids from beating him up.
- Susan Harper: My hero.
- Ben: Actually, I rushed in to beat him myself, but I missed. Hit someone else by mistake, the gang dispersed, he thanked me so much I just went along with it, really.
- Susan Harper: Well, we're not backing out of this. His wife's ill and he needs your support.
- Ben: Susan, I don't see why I have to be miserable too.
- Susan Harper: Because being miserable together is what friendship is all about.
- Ben: Funny - I thought that's what marriage was.
- Susan Harper: I think learning a new language helps to improve oneself.
- Ambyr Banks: Oh, I'm a big believer in self-improvement. Take my breasts, for instance.
- Ben: Where? W-what?
- Ambyr Banks: Implants. I got them last year.
- Andy Banks: [about Ambyr's breast implants] I mean, take those babies - 100% grade-A silicone! What do you think?
- Ben: I think they're... for... do they come separately or as a set?
- Ambyr Banks: A set. They were an anniversary present!
- Susan Harper: How romantic. All I got was a sandwich maker.
- Nick Harper: [Pointing at the pot of borscht] What are we going to do with that?
- Janey Harper: Oh, give it to me. I'll dump it.
- Michael Harper: Oh, no way! If it's all gone, she'll know we dumped it!
- Nick Harper: Or worse - she'll think we liked it and make it again!
- Susan Harper: Oh, just admit it! You'd rather be married to a 23-year-old with the perfect body!
- Ben: Oh, don't be ridiculous! I don't want a perfect body, I want you.
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben: That sounded much better in my head before it came out of my mouth!
- Susan Harper: What a miserable pair.
- Ben: Oh, come on! Your breasts are fine!
- Susan Harper: I was talking about Andy and Ambyr. But thanks for your vote of ambivalence!
- Ben: [about Andy] You know, at school, he was the pathetic loser. There was me: good looking; bright.
- Susan Harper: Well, you've both changed.
- Ben: Well, what about me? I've worked hard, played by the rules and what have I got?
- Susan Harper: A nice home, three lively children...
- Ben: Oh, go on! Rub it in!
- Susan Harper: You may be interested to know that Nick has decided to sell his body parts.
- Ben: Good! We'll get him out of the house bit by bit!
- Janey Harper: Maxine's parents bought her a pair! I suppose they love her more than you love me!
- Susan Harper: Janey, some people shower their children with gifts while others shower their children with affection.
- Janey Harper: Oh, and where does that leave me?
- Susan Harper: Without Prada shoes!
- Susan Harper: Do you think Andy's happy?
- Ben: If he were any happier, he'd be in an asylum.
- Susan Harper: So why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs? By the time she's my age, she'll have so many facelifts she'll have a beard!
- Susan Harper: [after spotting Ben checking out Ambyr] See anything you like... on the menu?
- Ben: Er... I was just admiring... looking at the, erm... oak-roasted sea bass.
- Susan Harper: Yes, I know which dish you were checking out!
- Andy Banks: You know, I always wanted to be a dentist. I ended up a multimillionaire!
- Ben: Tough break.
- Andy Banks: No, I mean, you're out there doing something! Me, I just sit around the pool all day watching my money make money!
- Susan Harper: Ooh, look, Ben - hard cheese!
- Nick Harper: Relax, Janey. I know where you can get your hands on some easy cash. All you have to do is sell your organs.
- Janey Harper: Nick, I told you I'm not dating your idiot friend Kyle!
- Nick Harper: No, I mean over the internet. That's what I'm going to do. People need organs, I've got them. Simple law of supply and demand. Do you know how much my kidney is worth?
- Janey Harper: No.
- Michael Harper: The going rate is £1,200.
- Michael Harper: Is that all? How about if I throw in my tonsils... and a kiwi?
- Ben: Oh, come on! I can't believe you're angry!
- Susan Harper: What makes you think I'm angry?
- Janey Harper: Oh. Children are home early.
- Ben: When you're at the top of your profession - as I am - I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god. So I have in my hands the power of life and death.
- Susan Harper: Over their teeth!
- Ambyr Banks: I imagine you have some wonderful stories.
- Susan Harper: Yes, his spit cup runneth over!
- Susan Harper: I can't believe you touched her breasts!
- Ben: You told me to!
- Susan Harper: God, you are dense!
- Ben: Or is it that I can't read your mind?
- Susan Harper: Same thing!
- Ben: Bloody Andy Banks! God! Why did he end up with the Ferrari and the millions?
- Susan Harper: And the swimsuit model?
- [Ben nods with a smirk]
- Susan Harper: I heard that nod!
- [Susan turns on her Russian language tape while going to sleep]
- Ben: What are you doing?
- Susan Harper: They say you can learn while you sleep.
- Ben: I can't. I'd like to sleep when I sleep.
- Ben: [Dialling a number on the phone] I'm just trying to prevent my life from going down the toilet.
- Nick Harper: That's going to be a long call!
- Nick Harper: Hey. How does this sound? 'For sale: one kidney, mint condition, extra-large capacity, runs like a dream, one careful lady owner... '
- Michael Harper: Lady?
- Nick Harper: It's all about marketing, Michael!
- Susan Harper: What are you doing?
- Nick Harper: I'm gonna sell my kidney on eBay.
- Susan Harper: Well, that's nice, dear.
- Susan Harper: Where are you going to get £2,000 from?
- Ben: I was thinking Nick's college fund.
- Nick Harper: I've got a college fund?
- Susan Harper: Ben, you can't touch the college fund! That's for the world cruise!
- Nick Harper: What about me?
- Susan Harper: [pause] You get seasick.
- Nick Harper: I was counting on that money!
- Ben: You didn't know about it!
- Nick Harper: No, but I always knew something would turn up!
- Janey Harper: What are we talking about?
- Michael Harper: Money.
- Janey Harper: Why didn't somebody call me?
- Janey Harper: Who's Andy?
- Ben: Andy's my best friend.
- Janey Harper: Oh. Your imaginary friend? How is he? Same as ever?
- Ben: Oh, yes! But now, he's got millions of pounds!
- Susan Harper: And the penis of a 20-year-old!
- Nick Harper: Cool! How much did he pay for it?
- Dental Assistant: Your wife's on the phone.
- Ben: Tell her I'm with a patient.
- Dental Assistant: But you're not.
- Ben: [Realises his patient ran away] What? What happened to Mr Henshaw?
- Dental Assistant: Curled up in the foetal position under the reception desk.
- Ben: Well, tell him he still has to pay for the appointment. And if that doesn't work, there's a broom in the cupboard - couple of pokes, that'll do the trick!
- Ben: Yes, dear?
- Susan Harper: Ben, how much did you invest?
- Ben: Er, £3,000?
- Susan Harper: You idiot!
- Ben: I know! I know it's a lot!
- Susan Harper: Why didn't you invest more?
- Ben: You told me to play it safe!
- Susan Harper: I also tell you to put the loo seat down - you never listen to that!
- Susan Harper: Michael, stop playing video games. You'll be late for school.
- Michael Harper: I'm not playing video ames. I'm checking the stock markets online.
- Susan Harper: Oh, God! Not you too!
- Michael Harper: Yeah. This Dynoblast looks pretty sound. I'm thinking of investing myself.
- Susan Harper: What are you talking about?
- Michael Harper: Well, with my tragically minimal allowance, I have to think of the future.
- Susan Harper: Michael, this is crazy! You're too young to invest!
- Michael Harper: Not in the Caymans! For all they care, I could be married!
- Susan Harper: But you're not. Are you?
- Michael Harper: Only for tax purposes!
- Susan Harper: Hello, my dear sweet adorable husband! How was your day?
- Ben: Terrific! Turns out Dynoblast is peaking at a multiple of 24 and its EPS has tripled over the last four quarters!
- Susan Harper: It beat Q2 estimates by 4p!
- Ben: And its debt-to-equity ratio is... 1.9!
- Susan Harper: Really?
- Ben: Yep!
- Susan Harper: What does that mean?
- Ben: No idea!
- Nick Harper: Hey, Janey! What do you think?
- Janey Harper: I think you're an idiot!
- Nick Harper: No, about my new NickBits logo.
- Janey Harper: It looks like a mixed grill!
- Nick Harper: Cool!
- Janey Harper: Do you honestly think anybody would be interested in anything you have to offer?
- Nick Harper: Bids on my kidneys are up to £300 and rising!
- Janey Harper: You're joking? What, both of them?
- Nick Harper: No, all three!
- Janey Harper: Nick, you haven't got three kidneys.
- Nick Harper: They don't know that!
- Janey Harper: Only you would think of something this crazy.
- Nick Harper: I know!
- Janey Harper: Well, what are you going to do when you've got no parts left to sell?
- Nick Harper: I'll retire!
- Janey Harper: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
- Nick Harper: You won't be saying that when I'm the world's richest toe!
- Ben: [Finding it hard to sleep as Susan is on the laptop] Susan, the rather remarkable thing about the laptop is that it's portable, which means you can take it anywhere like downstairs or Berwick-upon-Tweed!
- Susan Harper: I'm in this financial chatroom, and everybody's saying that Dynoblast is under investigation and it's time to get out.
- Ben: What? Let me have a look.
- [Susan shows Ben the laptop]
- Ben: You're taking advice from someone called Yoda?
- Susan Harper: It's not just Yoda! Everyone in the chatroom is saying to get out: Binky13, Club Foot, Stock Slut and Professor FrankenBanker!
- Ben: Professor FrankenBanker? Can't you hear yourself? You are trusting a bunch of total strangers over me!
- Susan Harper: Your point being?
- Ben: Stay with me, Susan. OK? I'm going with my gut!
- Susan Harper: You're going with your gut and I'm going with cold hard firm rumour! Let's get out when we're ahead!
- Ben: Look, I've never been ahead and I like it!
- Susan Harper: I'm telling you, Ben, if we don't get out now, we'll be left with nothing - except regret!
- Ben: Well, won't that be the big regret cherry on the big regret icing on the big regret cake? Goodnight... Yoda!
- Ben: [On the phone] I'm embarrassed to call because I know you're busy. But the stock has gone down 22% in the last half hour and, erm... I just need an expert opinion.
- Michael Harper: Dad, I'm in the middle of a maths test! You told them it was an emergency!
- Ben: It is - your mother wanted to sell it, but I didn't!
- Michael Harper: Why not?
- Ben: It was up! I couldn't sell when it was up! My gut wouldn't let me! Michael, what am I going to do?
- Michael Harper: Well, you could get out now and cut your losses. Chances are it's just a blip.
- Ben: Don't get technical with me, Michael! Do I sell it or keep it?
- Michael Harper: Well, dad, I've known you all my life. And I can honestly say, whatever your gut tells you to do, do the opposite!
- Michael Harper: [On the phone] Hello, dad? What is it this time?
- Ben: The stock - still sinking! It's less than I paid for it!
- Michael Harper: Relax. It's just a correction.
- Ben: Oh, I see! First, it was a blip; now it's a correction! When is it going to be a bloody catastrophe?
- Michael Harper: Don't worry, dad. Things go down; they come right back up.
- Ben: Not at my age!
- Nick Harper: Looks like I'm keeping all my kidneys. Apparently, eBay frowns on selling body parts.
- Susan Harper: It's probably for the best.
- Nick Harper: Could I borrow your credit card? Before you say no...
- Susan Harper: No!
- Nick Harper: ...it's for my new job. I wanna get some business cards made up.
- Susan Harper: I'm assuming this new job does require any major surgery.
- Nick Harper: Nothing like that. No, this one's much better. I get to set my own hours, I get to work from home - and talk about job satisfaction!
- Susan Harper: What exactly is this new job?
- Nick Harper: Sperm donor.
- Susan Harper: [Hangs head in disbelief] Don't they have some sort of minimum requirement?
- Nick Harper: Yeah - you have to be a man.
- Janey Harper: Go away, Michael.
- Michael Harper: How do you like the new shoes?
- Janey Harper: I'd like them a lot better if they were in the other room!
- [pause]
- Janey Harper: Er, are those Prada?
- Michael Harper: Why, yes! Everyone's wearing them... except you!
- [Janey chases Michael out of the room]