My Family (TV Series)

Ben Wants to Be a Millionaire (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : This operation - what exactly is it for?

  Ambyr Banks : I'm having a mole removed from my bottom.

  Susan Harper : Oh, dear. I hope it's not serious.

  Andy Banks : I'm afraid it is. It ruins the perfect curve of her peachy buttocks.

• Janey Harper : What are you doing?

  Susan Harper : Learning Russian. I've got a tour group coming in from Moscow next week.

  Janey Harper : Oh, that's great, mum! How do you say 'Will you buy me Prada shoes?' in Russian?

  Susan Harper : [Looks through phrasebook]  Let me see... Ah! Here it is - 'nyet!'

• Janey Harper : Since you're eating out, can we get a takeaway?

  Susan Harper : No. I'm making borscht. It's a delicious Russian soup made with beetroot and sour cream.

  Janey Harper : Are you sure borscht isn't the sound you make after you've eaten it?

• Ben : You'll never guess what happened to me today.

  Susan Harper : Your old friend Andy called round, his wife's going in for surgery and we're having dinner with them tonight at La Garage.

  Ben : Ah. I see my new über-assistant has been phoning in. God! She's so efficient, she's killing me!

  Susan Harper : Well, I think she's quite marvellous.

  Ben : I think she's quite fired.

• Ben : Susan, I... I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.

  Susan Harper : I thought he was your friend. He's on our Christmas card list.

  Ben : So's the paper boy, but I've never eaten with him.

• Susan Harper : It's not often I get to meet one of your friends.

  Janey Harper : That's because he hasn't got any.

  Ben : I have lots of friends, actually. Just none I like.

• Janey Harper : When is the last time I asked you for anything?

  Susan Harper : This morning at breakfast. You wanted an egg white omelette and a car.

  Janey Harper : And did I get either? Nyet! Come on, mum! If you asked me for something, I'd gladly get it.

  Susan Harper : Fine. Help me get dinner ready.

  Janey Harper : And then I get the shoes?

  Susan Harper : Then you get to eat!

  Janey Harper : What? After we eat, I get the shoes?

  Susan Harper : Janey, I'm too tired for this.

  Janey Harper : Good. Give in!

• Janey Harper : So, this, er, so-called friend. How did you meet - the No-Friends Club?

  Ben : The No-Friends Club? Ooh! No, at school, actually. I stopped a group of kids from beating him up.

  Susan Harper : My hero.

  Ben : Actually, I rushed in to beat him myself, but I missed. Hit someone else by mistake, the gang dispersed, he thanked me so much I just went along with it, really.

• Susan Harper : Well, we're not backing out of this. His wife's ill and he needs your support.

  Ben : Susan, I don't see why I have to be miserable too.

  Susan Harper : Because being miserable together is what friendship is all about.

  Ben : Funny - I thought that's what marriage was.

• Susan Harper : I think learning a new language helps to improve oneself.

  Ambyr Banks : Oh, I'm a big believer in self-improvement. Take my breasts, for instance.

  Ben : Where? W-what?

  Ambyr Banks : Implants. I got them last year.

• Andy Banks : [about Ambyr's breast implants]  I mean, take those babies - 100% grade-A silicone! What do you think?

  Ben : I think they're... for... do they come separately or as a set?

  Ambyr Banks : A set. They were an anniversary present!

  Susan Harper : How romantic. All I got was a sandwich maker.

• Susan Harper : Oh, just admit it! You'd rather be married to a 23-year-old with the perfect body!

  Ben : Oh, don't be ridiculous! I don't want a perfect body, I want you.

  Susan Harper : [Gives Ben a stern look] 

  Ben : That sounded much better in my head before it came out of my mouth!

• Susan Harper : What a miserable pair.

  Ben : Oh, come on! Your breasts are fine!

  Susan Harper : I was talking about Andy and Ambyr. But thanks for your vote of ambivalence!

• Ben : [about Andy]  You know, at school, he was the pathetic loser. There was me: good looking; bright.

  Susan Harper : Well, you've both changed.

• Ben : Well, what about me? I've worked hard, played by the rules and what have I got?

  Susan Harper : A nice home, three lively children...

  Ben : Oh, go on! Rub it in!

• Susan Harper : You may be interested to know that Nick has decided to sell his body parts.

  Ben : Good! We'll get him out of the house bit by bit!

• Janey Harper : Maxine's parents bought her a pair! I suppose they love her more than you love me!

  Susan Harper : Janey, some people shower their children with gifts while others shower their children with affection.

  Janey Harper : Oh, and where does that leave me?

  Susan Harper : Without Prada shoes!

• Susan Harper : Do you think Andy's happy?

  Ben : If he were any happier, he'd be in an asylum.

  Susan Harper : So why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs? By the time she's my age, she'll have so many facelifts she'll have a beard!

• Susan Harper : [after spotting Ben checking out Ambyr]  See anything you like... on the menu?

  Ben : Er... I was just admiring... looking at the, erm... oak-roasted sea bass.

  Susan Harper : Yes, I know which dish you were checking out!

• Andy Banks : You know, I always wanted to be a dentist. I ended up a multimillionaire!

  Ben : Tough break.

  Andy Banks : No, I mean, you're out there doing something! Me, I just sit around the pool all day watching my money make money!

  Susan Harper : Ooh, look, Ben - hard cheese!

• Ben : Oh, come on! I can't believe you're angry!

  Susan Harper : What makes you think I'm angry?

  Janey Harper : Oh. Children are home early.

• Ben : When you're at the top of your profession - as I am - I mean, my patients tend to treat me as a god. So I have in my hands the power of life and death.

  Susan Harper : Over their teeth!

  Ambyr Banks : I imagine you have some wonderful stories.

  Susan Harper : Yes, his spit cup runneth over!

• Susan Harper : I can't believe you touched her breasts!

  Ben : You told me to!

  Susan Harper : God, you are dense!

  Ben : Or is it that I can't read your mind?

  Susan Harper : Same thing!

• Ben : Bloody Andy Banks! God! Why did he end up with the Ferrari and the millions?

  Susan Harper : And the swimsuit model?

  [Ben nods with a smirk] 

  Susan Harper : I heard that nod!

• [Susan turns on her Russian language tape while going to sleep] 

  Ben : What are you doing?

  Susan Harper : They say you can learn while you sleep.

  Ben : I can't. I'd like to sleep when I sleep.

• Nick Harper : Hey. How does this sound? 'For sale: one kidney, mint condition, extra-large capacity, runs like a dream, one careful lady owner... '

  Michael Harper : Lady?

  Nick Harper : It's all about marketing, Michael!

  Susan Harper : What are you doing?

  Nick Harper : I'm gonna sell my kidney on eBay.

  Susan Harper : Well, that's nice, dear.

• Susan Harper : I wonder if we should do something about Nick.

  Ben : I am. I'm ignoring him.

• Susan Harper : Where are you going to get £2,000 from?

  Ben : I was thinking Nick's college fund.

  Nick Harper : I've got a college fund?

  Susan Harper : Ben, you can't touch the college fund! That's for the world cruise!

  Nick Harper : What about me?

  Susan Harper : [pause]  You get seasick.

  Nick Harper : I was counting on that money!

  Ben : You didn't know about it!

  Nick Harper : No, but I always knew something would turn up!

• Janey Harper : Who's Andy?

  Ben : Andy's my best friend.

  Janey Harper : Oh. Your imaginary friend? How is he? Same as ever?

  Ben : Oh, yes! But now, he's got millions of pounds!

  Susan Harper : And the penis of a 20-year-old!

  Nick Harper : Cool! How much did he pay for it?

• Ben : Yes, dear?

  Susan Harper : Ben, how much did you invest?

  Ben : Er, £3,000?

  Susan Harper : You idiot!

  Ben : I know! I know it's a lot!

  Susan Harper : Why didn't you invest more?

  Ben : You told me to play it safe!

  Susan Harper : I also tell you to put the loo seat down - you never listen to that!

• Susan Harper : Michael, stop playing video games. You'll be late for school.

  Michael Harper : I'm not playing video ames. I'm checking the stock markets online.

  Susan Harper : Oh, God! Not you too!

  Michael Harper : Yeah. This Dynoblast looks pretty sound. I'm thinking of investing myself.

  Susan Harper : What are you talking about?

  Michael Harper : Well, with my tragically minimal allowance, I have to think of the future.

  Susan Harper : Michael, this is crazy! You're too young to invest!

  Michael Harper : Not in the Caymans! For all they care, I could be married!

  Susan Harper : But you're not. Are you?

  Michael Harper : Only for tax purposes!

• Susan Harper : Hello, my dear sweet adorable husband! How was your day?

  Ben : Terrific! Turns out Dynoblast is peaking at a multiple of 24 and its EPS has tripled over the last four quarters!

  Susan Harper : It beat Q2 estimates by 4p!

  Ben : And its debt-to-equity ratio is... 1.9!

  Susan Harper : Really?

  Ben : Yep!

  Susan Harper : What does that mean?

  Ben : No idea!

• Susan Harper : I'm in this financial chatroom, and everybody's saying that Dynoblast is under investigation and it's time to get out.

  Ben : What? Let me have a look.

  [Susan shows Ben the laptop] 

  Ben : You're taking advice from someone called Yoda?

  Susan Harper : It's not just Yoda! Everyone in the chatroom is saying to get out: Binky13, Club Foot, Stock Slut and Professor FrankenBanker!

  Ben : Professor FrankenBanker? Can't you hear yourself? You are trusting a bunch of total strangers over me!

  Susan Harper : Your point being?

  Ben : Stay with me, Susan. OK? I'm going with my gut!

  Susan Harper : You're going with your gut and I'm going with cold hard firm rumour! Let's get out when we're ahead!

  Ben : Look, I've never been ahead and I like it!

  Susan Harper : I'm telling you, Ben, if we don't get out now, we'll be left with nothing - except regret!

  Ben : Well, won't that be the big regret cherry on the big regret icing on the big regret cake? Goodnight... Yoda!

• Nick Harper : Looks like I'm keeping all my kidneys. Apparently, eBay frowns on selling body parts.

  Susan Harper : It's probably for the best.

• Nick Harper : Could I borrow your credit card? Before you say no...

  Susan Harper : No!

  Nick Harper : ...it's for my new job. I wanna get some business cards made up.

  Susan Harper : I'm assuming this new job does require any major surgery.

  Nick Harper : Nothing like that. No, this one's much better. I get to set my own hours, I get to work from home - and talk about job satisfaction!

  Susan Harper : What exactly is this new job?

  Nick Harper : Sperm donor.

  Susan Harper : [Hangs head in disbelief]  Don't they have some sort of minimum requirement?

  Nick Harper : Yeah - you have to be a man.

• Ben : Flowers?

  Susan Harper : How much did you lose?

  Ben : Why do you always assume the worst? Hmm? Can't I bring you flowers?

  Susan Harper : At least you didn't get me chocolates, then I'd know we'd lost everything.

  [Ben hides a box of chocolates behind his back] 

  Ben : I haven't lost everything!

  Susan Harper : How much are we talking about?

  Ben : Oh... £200.

  Susan Harper : Oh, thank God! We can go on that cruise!

  Ben : No, that's all we've got left - £200.

  Susan Harper : You may as well give me the chocolates.

  Ben : Yep! Yep, yep, yep! Is that it, then? No 'I told you so'? No 'I was right and you were wrong'?

  Susan Harper : Ben, money isn't everything. We love each other. We have our children and that's what counts.

  Ben : Yep. And we've still got the other college funds.

  Susan Harper : Ah, well... I was in the chatroom and Yoda gave me this great tip!

  [Ben looks angry] 

  Susan Harper : Chocolates?