My Family (TV Series)

Ben Wants to Be a Millionaire (2001)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Nick Harper : [Pointing at the pot of borscht]  What are we going to do with that?

  Janey Harper : Oh, give it to me. I'll dump it.

  Michael Harper : Oh, no way! If it's all gone, she'll know we dumped it!

  Nick Harper : Or worse - she'll think we liked it and make it again!

• Nick Harper : Relax, Janey. I know where you can get your hands on some easy cash. All you have to do is sell your organs.

  Janey Harper : Nick, I told you I'm not dating your idiot friend Kyle!

  Nick Harper : No, I mean over the internet. That's what I'm going to do. People need organs, I've got them. Simple law of supply and demand. Do you know how much my kidney is worth?

  Janey Harper : No.

  Michael Harper : The going rate is £1,200.

  Michael Harper : Is that all? How about if I throw in my tonsils... and a kiwi?

• Nick Harper : Hey. How does this sound? 'For sale: one kidney, mint condition, extra-large capacity, runs like a dream, one careful lady owner... '

  Michael Harper : Lady?

  Nick Harper : It's all about marketing, Michael!

  Susan Harper : What are you doing?

  Nick Harper : I'm gonna sell my kidney on eBay.

  Susan Harper : Well, that's nice, dear.

• Janey Harper : What are we talking about?

  Michael Harper : Money.

  Janey Harper : Why didn't somebody call me?

• Susan Harper : Michael, stop playing video games. You'll be late for school.

  Michael Harper : I'm not playing video ames. I'm checking the stock markets online.

  Susan Harper : Oh, God! Not you too!

  Michael Harper : Yeah. This Dynoblast looks pretty sound. I'm thinking of investing myself.

  Susan Harper : What are you talking about?

  Michael Harper : Well, with my tragically minimal allowance, I have to think of the future.

  Susan Harper : Michael, this is crazy! You're too young to invest!

  Michael Harper : Not in the Caymans! For all they care, I could be married!

  Susan Harper : But you're not. Are you?

  Michael Harper : Only for tax purposes!

• Ben : [On the phone]  I'm embarrassed to call because I know you're busy. But the stock has gone down 22% in the last half hour and, erm... I just need an expert opinion.

  Michael Harper : Dad, I'm in the middle of a maths test! You told them it was an emergency!

  Ben : It is - your mother wanted to sell it, but I didn't!

  Michael Harper : Why not?

  Ben : It was up! I couldn't sell when it was up! My gut wouldn't let me! Michael, what am I going to do?

  Michael Harper : Well, you could get out now and cut your losses. Chances are it's just a blip.

  Ben : Don't get technical with me, Michael! Do I sell it or keep it?

  Michael Harper : Well, dad, I've known you all my life. And I can honestly say, whatever your gut tells you to do, do the opposite!

• Michael Harper : [On the phone]  Hello, dad? What is it this time?

  Ben : The stock - still sinking! It's less than I paid for it!

  Michael Harper : Relax. It's just a correction.

  Ben : Oh, I see! First, it was a blip; now it's a correction! When is it going to be a bloody catastrophe?

  Michael Harper : Don't worry, dad. Things go down; they come right back up.

  Ben : Not at my age!

• Janey Harper : Go away, Michael.

  Michael Harper : How do you like the new shoes?

  Janey Harper : I'd like them a lot better if they were in the other room!

  [pause] 

  Janey Harper : Er, are those Prada?

  Michael Harper : Why, yes! Everyone's wearing them... except you!

  [Janey chases Michael out of the room] 

• [Last lines - Michael and Ben are waiting to use the bathroom] 

  Michael Harper : [Reading newspaper]  'Dynoblast skyrockets'.

  Ben : What?

  Michael Harper : Isn't that always the way? And just when you sold all your shares!

  Ben : Yeah. Isn't life funny?

  [Snatches paper from Michael and rips it up] 

  Michael Harper : Good to see you're keeping your sense of humour about it.

  Ben : [Knocking on the door]  Nick! Come on, Nick! You're not the only person in this house!

  Nick Harper : Leave me alone! I'm working!