My Family (TV Series)
Ben Wants to Be a Millionaire (2001)
Kris Marshall: Nick Harper
Quotes
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Nick Harper : [Pointing at the pot of borscht] What are we going to do with that?
Janey Harper : Oh, give it to me. I'll dump it.
Michael Harper : Oh, no way! If it's all gone, she'll know we dumped it!
Nick Harper : Or worse - she'll think we liked it and make it again!
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Nick Harper : Relax, Janey. I know where you can get your hands on some easy cash. All you have to do is sell your organs.
Janey Harper : Nick, I told you I'm not dating your idiot friend Kyle!
Nick Harper : No, I mean over the internet. That's what I'm going to do. People need organs, I've got them. Simple law of supply and demand. Do you know how much my kidney is worth?
Janey Harper : No.
Michael Harper : The going rate is £1,200.
Michael Harper : Is that all? How about if I throw in my tonsils... and a kiwi?
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Ben : [Dialling a number on the phone] I'm just trying to prevent my life from going down the toilet.
Nick Harper : That's going to be a long call!
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Nick Harper : Hey. How does this sound? 'For sale: one kidney, mint condition, extra-large capacity, runs like a dream, one careful lady owner... '
Michael Harper : Lady?
Nick Harper : It's all about marketing, Michael!
Susan Harper : What are you doing?
Nick Harper : I'm gonna sell my kidney on eBay.
Susan Harper : Well, that's nice, dear.
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Susan Harper : Where are you going to get £2,000 from?
Ben : I was thinking Nick's college fund.
Nick Harper : I've got a college fund?
Susan Harper : Ben, you can't touch the college fund! That's for the world cruise!
Nick Harper : What about me?
Susan Harper : [pause] You get seasick.
Nick Harper : I was counting on that money!
Ben : You didn't know about it!
Nick Harper : No, but I always knew something would turn up!
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Janey Harper : Who's Andy?
Ben : Andy's my best friend.
Janey Harper : Oh. Your imaginary friend? How is he? Same as ever?
Ben : Oh, yes! But now, he's got millions of pounds!
Susan Harper : And the penis of a 20-year-old!
Nick Harper : Cool! How much did he pay for it?
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Nick Harper : Hey, Janey! What do you think?
Janey Harper : I think you're an idiot!
Nick Harper : No, about my new NickBits logo.
Janey Harper : It looks like a mixed grill!
Nick Harper : Cool!
Janey Harper : Do you honestly think anybody would be interested in anything you have to offer?
Nick Harper : Bids on my kidneys are up to £300 and rising!
Janey Harper : You're joking? What, both of them?
Nick Harper : No, all three!
Janey Harper : Nick, you haven't got three kidneys.
Nick Harper : They don't know that!
Janey Harper : Only you would think of something this crazy.
Nick Harper : I know!
Janey Harper : Well, what are you going to do when you've got no parts left to sell?
Nick Harper : I'll retire!
Janey Harper : That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Nick Harper : You won't be saying that when I'm the world's richest toe!
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Nick Harper : Looks like I'm keeping all my kidneys. Apparently, eBay frowns on selling body parts.
Susan Harper : It's probably for the best.
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Nick Harper : Could I borrow your credit card? Before you say no...
Susan Harper : No!
Nick Harper : ...it's for my new job. I wanna get some business cards made up.
Susan Harper : I'm assuming this new job does require any major surgery.
Nick Harper : Nothing like that. No, this one's much better. I get to set my own hours, I get to work from home - and talk about job satisfaction!
Susan Harper : What exactly is this new job?
Nick Harper : Sperm donor.
Susan Harper : [Hangs head in disbelief] Don't they have some sort of minimum requirement?
Nick Harper : Yeah - you have to be a man.
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[Last lines - Michael and Ben are waiting to use the bathroom]
Michael Harper : [Reading newspaper] 'Dynoblast skyrockets'.
Ben : What?
Michael Harper : Isn't that always the way? And just when you sold all your shares!
Ben : Yeah. Isn't life funny?
[Snatches paper from Michael and rips it up]
Michael Harper : Good to see you're keeping your sense of humour about it.
Ben : [Knocking on the door] Nick! Come on, Nick! You're not the only person in this house!
Nick Harper : Leave me alone! I'm working!
