My Family (TV Series)

Awkward Phase (2000)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Quotes 

• Susan : Sometimes you behave as if you don't like the children.

  Ben Harper : I... er... It's not a question of like or dislike. It's a question of fear. I'm... I'm frightened of them. Two extremes, Susan: either they ignore you, which is demeaning, or they turn to you for answers, which is terrifying.

• Susan : How can you sit there and eat when things are in such chaos?

  Ben : Strong stomach.

  Susan : Honestly, Ben, I don't understand you.

  Ben : I'm sitting here calmly eating my breakfast while you're breathing at me like an Aberdeen Angus. Of course you don't understand me; you're deranged.

  Susan : First of all, I am not *breathing*, I am expressing myself sub-vocally.

• Janey Harper : I wish I was dead!

  Susan : Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

• Janey Harper : What's this?

  Susan : It's for Oxfam. We're getting rid of stuff we don't need anymore.

  Janey Harper : Oh, do you think they'd take Nick?

• Janey Harper : [Picking up an old shirt]  Did someone actually wear this?

  Susan : Well... it's from the 70s. It was a different time then, when people were hip, wild and...

  Janey Harper : Colourblind?

• Ben Harper : You can't throw this away! This is my lucky tie!

  Susan : When was the last time you wore that?

  Ben Harper : Our wedding!

• Susan : I just want to get rid of everything that we haven't worn in at least five years.

  Ben Harper : Oh, really? Susan, I wore this shirt yesterday.

  Susan : Yes... but I just hate that one!

• Susan : [to Ben]  Why is that whenever Nick annoys you, he's my son, and whenever he does something you're proud of, he's... oh, that's never happened before.

• Ben Harper : Oh, God, Susan! Why, why, why did I become a dentist? No one respects you. No one stops you and slaps you on the back and says 'Good bridgework, mate!' Everyone avoids you at parties because they associate you with pain.

  Susan : Well... Ben, that's not dentistry. That's you.

• Nick Harper : I've fixed your chair.

  Ben Harper : You what?

  Susan : It wasn't broken.

  Nick Harper : Well, I got rid of the squeak.

  Ben Harper : You got rid of the... I like the squeak! I love the squeak! I... I sit in my chair, I hear my squeak and it reminds me that I'm not quite dead!

  Susan : He's in a mood.

  Ben Harper : It's not a mood, it's life! Just leave things alone, Nick! Just please! If it's broken, don't fix it! If it's lying there, don't pick it up! If it's dripping, don't let it flood! But Nick, please don't touch anything anymore!

  Nick Harper : Dad! Relax, man! I'll put the squeak back!

• Janey Harper : You know, I can't believe you're letting a 12-year-old out on a date.

  Susan : Well, like it or not, he's growing up.

  Nick Harper : What? You never let me go out on my own when I was that age!

  Susan : Well, maybe we should have.

  Ben Harper : Yeah, and changed the locks.

• Janey Harper : Mummy, let me help you with the heavy shopping.

  Susan : Thank you, dear - whatever you're up to.

  Janey Harper : Do I have to be up to something?

  Susan : I don't care. Keep helping.

• Janey Harper : But, mum, look! These are a £100-pair of jeans marked down to practically... less than £100, and... the money grandma gave me?

  Susan : That money's for when you go to college. We agreed.

  Janey Harper : *We* didn't agree. *You* agreed.

  Susan : And I can't do anything more than agree, can I?

• Susan : And I presume you don't want to know that Mrs Newland rang?

  Ben Harper : My God! Why can't woman ring during office hours?

  Susan : She says you never return her calls.

  Ben Harper : Well, because she's evil.

  Susan : No, she's not.

  Ben Harper : Yes, she is. She keeps losing her dentures and she wants me to make new ones.

  Susan : That *is* your job.

  Ben Harper : That is not the point. How can you lose six pairs of dentures? They're either in your mouth or in a glass. So unless she drank them by mistake, you cannot lose six pairs of dentures!

  Susan : Well, the poor dear didn't lose them this time. They broke when someone sat on them. I hope she wasn't wearing them at the time.

  Ben Harper : [pause]  That image has just ruined my entire evening!

• Ben Harper : I tell you, Susan, sometimes I think things couldn't get worse.

  Susan : Try and look on the bright side, darling.

  Ben Harper : That *is* the bright side - things can always get worse.

  Nick Harper : Hey!

  Ben Harper : I rest my case.

• Nick Harper : Er, is this a radish? Because I don't think they have radishes in Hawaii.

  Susan : The dish is called Hawaiian Medley Surprise! The radish *is* the surprise!

• Susan : Why do you never back me up?

  Ben Harper : Years of experience.

• Susan : I'm off to pottery class. I'm firing my urn tonight. Beautiful, isn't it?

  Ben Harper : Yes, and dinner was lovely.

  Susan : So earthy!

  Ben Harper : So was dinner!

  Susan : Well, I think it's beautiful. Maybe we should get buried in it. Blend our ashes together. That should give you nightmares.

  Ben Harper : You'll probably end up hogging most of the urn, anyway.

• Janey Harper : [about her Prada jeans]  Would it feel better if I took them back?

  Susan : It might ease the pain.

  Janey Harper : Well, I can't. Prada doesn't give refunds on sales.

  Susan : So be it. You chose between Miuccia Prada and your own mother and Miuccia won. Although with a name like Miuccia, the victory must be pyrrhic, indeed!

• Susan : I want you to feel really guilty. Heartbreakingly "I'll-never-think-of-doing-anything-like-this-again" guilty.

  Janey Harper : No! That's not possible! Because I'm right about this! I mean, there's nothing to feel guilty about.

  Susan : You can't just feel guilty when you want to feel guilty! You have to feel guilty when you don't want to feel guilty! That's how it works!

• Janey Harper : OK, well, how about this then, mum? OK? I feel guilty, erm... but you're the one who learns a valuable lesson.

  Susan : Are you negotiating terms of remorse with me?

  Janey Harper : Why not? I've got a good teacher.

  Susan : You're not so stupid, are you?

  Janey Harper : [Hands Susan her Prada jeans]  So, can you take them up for me? I'm going to need them by 9.

  Susan : But then, you're not so clever, aren't you?

• Janey Harper : I wasn't allowed out with a boy until I was 13-and-a-half! And you both followed us to the cinema!

  Susan : That wasn't us!

  Janey Harper : Yeah, right! I asked Charlie for some popcorn and all of a sudden, dad reaches out from behind and offers me some!

  Ben : Still wasn't us!

  Susan : Even if it had been, that was then and this is now.

  Ben : Exactly! We're humans - we're allowed to change.

  Janey Harper : No. You're not.

  Nick Harper : Who are you? What have you done with our real parents?