My Family (TV Series)

'Tis Pity She's a Whore (2001)

Zoë Wanamaker: Susan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Susan Harper : [about her mother]  She's trying to trick me into visiting her, the manipulative cow. Can't believe I grew up with somebody like that. Can you imagine living with somebody like that?

  Susan Harper : Take that back!

  Ben Harper : I didn't say anything.

  Susan Harper : You were thinking it.

  Ben Harper : Oh.

  Susan Harper : Honestly, Ben, I don't control. I suggest; I guide; I coax. Ben, wake up!

• Rebecca : It was nice to see Janey, but I think she was looking a little gaunt.

  Susan Harper : Oh, I wouldn't worry; it's probably just the heroin. Very much like Michael. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him in weeks. But you know us progressive parents - we just like to see how things pan out.

  Rebecca : Why can't you just answer a civilized question?

  Susan Harper : I will when you ask me one.

• Ben Harper : [about Susan's mother]  What would I want to talk to her for?

  Susan Harper : I just tell mum that. It's the only way to get her off the phone.

• Ben Harper : What did she phone for this time, other than to wake me?

  Susan Harper : She wants to invite us to a little get-together.

  Ben Harper : Oh, good. A party.

  Susan Harper : No, her funeral. She's dying - again.

  Ben Harper : She's been dying for the last 20 years. She still hasn't delivered the goods.

• Susan Harper : Ben, stop being so melodramatic.

  Ben Harper : I'm not being melodramatic. I'm starving.

  Janey Harper : [Storms into the kitchen]  I hate this family!

  Ben Harper : *That's* being melodramatic!

• Janey Harper : Can I get some Chanel body lotion?

  Susan Harper : You know what? There's a sale on at Selfridges.

  Janey Harper : What's the catch?

  Susan Harper : There's no catch. Just while you're out, could you get me some facial scrub?

  Janey Harper : Oh, OK.

  Susan Harper : And visit your grandmother?

  Janey Harper : What? No way!

• Janey Harper : [about Susan's mother]  Er, and what about you? You hardly ever see her!

  Susan Harper : I don't need to. Her image is embossed on my brain.

  Janey Harper : Well, why does it have to be me? Hmm?

  Michael Harper : Don't look at me! I went to see her last time she was dying!

  Nick Harper : I'll go next time.

  Janey Harper : And what happens if she already is dying?

  Nick Harper : Then I win!

• Ben Harper : Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

  Susan Harper : Careful! I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it!

• Susan Harper : How did your speech go today?

  Michael Harper : It's only a matter of time before I claim victory. The first step to reclaiming the future of Britain from an incompetent Labour government.

  Ben Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Ben!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man which, as the name implies, means 'Labour'.

  Michael Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Michael!

  Michael Harper : I'm sorry, mum. Dad seems to be living in some fantasy land built on a foundation of propaganda.

  Nick Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Nick!

  Nick Harper : Nothing! Just felt like saying 'Hah!'

• Janey Harper : Oh, I forgot to tell you something. What was it? Er... oh, yeah. Grandma's got the plague and lost her arms.

  Susan Harper : It's ridiculous! She thinks I'll come running now, just because suddenly this week she's feeling old and alone. All she needs is a violin.

  Nick Harper : How will she play it with no arms?

• Janey Harper : [about her grandmother]  You know, we talked about loads of things! We talked about school; the weather; great-grandma.

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, well, your great-grandmother was quite a socialite!

  Janey Harper : No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

  Ben Harper : [Looking shocked] 

  Nick Harper : Pass the ketchup.

  Ben Harper : She... she... she... she was... what, what? Wha... Sorry, who told you this?

  Janey Harper : Grandma.

  Susan Harper : You know, Janey, mother probably meant 'cooker'. Your great-grandmother was a superb chef - like me.

  Michael Harper : It's not true, is it?

  Susan Harper : Your great-grandmother happened to be a social hostess.

  Ben Harper : [Looking flustered] 

  Susan Harper : Something wrong with your food?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but that's beside the point. When you say 'social hostess', what you really need to say is...

  Susan Harper : I believe you understand me correctly.

• Susan Harper : What's wrong?

  Ben Harper : No. No, it's fine. What could possibly be wrong? Oh, yeah. Let me think - yes, yes, I have recently discovered that I've got a Tory and a prostitute in the same family! Why didn't you tell me about your grandmother?

  Susan Harper : I did! I said she ran a bed and breakfast.

  Ben Harper : Yes! You forgot to mention every room came with a complimentary shower cap and a riding crop!

• Michael Harper : Hey.

  Susan Harper : How was your debate?

  Michael Harper : Miserable. The first question they asked me was 'Is it true you have a prostitute in the family?'

  Susan Harper : It's such a shame that politics has degenerated into a contest of personal attacks.

  Nick Harper : Isn't it just? I hope you did the right thing and questioned your opponent's sexuality.

  Michael Harper : Well, I took the moral high ground and said this prostitute rumour was promulgated by communist lefties out to torpedo my campaign. Then I challenged the person who started it to stand up and show themselves.

  Susan Harper : Well done!

  Michael Harper : And then Janey stood up.

  Susan Harper : What did you say?

  Michael Harper : Well, what could I say? I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.

  Susan Harper : Oh, Michael. I'm very proud of you.

  Michael Harper : I said I was adopted.

• Ben Harper : Mmm! Something smells good! Am I in the right house?

  Susan Harper : Careful. I'm armed with a whisk and I'm not afraid to use it!

  [Ben and Susan make out by the fridge] 

  Susan Harper : You're home early.

  Ben Harper : Yeah. I had a few cancellations, so I thought I could, er... possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  Ben, I'm preparing dinner.

  Ben Harper : Alright. We'll order takeaway.

  Susan Harper : [Ben still kissing her]  The kids will be home soon.

  Ben Harper : We'll change the locks.

  Susan Harper : In that case, I've run out of reasons. Take me!

  [They try to have sex on the kitchen counter, but stop when they are caught by Nick and Michael] 

  Nick Harper : I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner!

• Janey Harper : I just had the most fascinating time!

  Susan Harper : I thought you went to see my mother.

  Janey Harper : I did! She's not half as boring as you'd think!

  Ben Harper : You and your grandmother been drinking?

  Janey Harper : Just enough to take the edge off!

• Janey Harper : [after discovering her great-grandma was a prostitute]  I can't wait to tell Maxine!

  Michael Harper : You can't! If this gets out, it could ruin my political career!

  Susan Harper : Oh, don't be ridiculous! It was 80 years ago!

  Michael Harper : Still not something we want spread around!

  Janey Harper : Oh, please, Michael! It was the only cool thing about this entire family!

  Ben Harper : Sorry, are you forgetting the Harper side of the family?

  Janey Harper : Oh, right, yeah - the dull side.

  Ben Harper : No, don't... don't confuse 'dull' with 'average'.

  Janey Harper : Average, boring, whatever.

  Ben Harper : Look, if being average is the worst thing people can say about you, you're doing OK.

  Susan Harper : Spoken like a true Harper!

  Ben Harper : Well, at least with the Harpers, what you see is what you get!

  Nick Harper : Ooh! Tough luck, mum!

• Ben Harper : Susan, on our wedding day, we took vows to love, cherish and not to keep secrets.

  Susan Harper : I don't have any other secrets.

  Ben Harper : How do I know that? Huh? Next, you'll be telling me your mother's a vampire - which would explain a lot of things...

  Susan Harper : OK! Alright! Alright! I do have another secret - sometimes I fake it!

  Ben Harper : [pause]  That's not funny!

• Susan Harper : [after Ben discovered her grandma was a prostitute]  Honestly, Ben. I don't know why you're getting so worked up about this. After all, you're always the one who's going on about the dignity of the working people. I'm proud of my grandmother. She was a successful businesswoman who stood up for what she believed in.

  Ben Harper : Yep, yep! She stood up, she lay down, she knelt...

• Susan Harper : The motto on your family crest should read 'Mediocrity or death'.

  Ben Harper : Well, it's better than 'For a good time, call'!

• Susan Harper : Well?

  Rebecca : [Pretending she hasn't seen Susan]  Who is it? Who spoke? I'm afraid my eyesight isn't what it was!

  Susan Harper : Oh, stop it! You know it's me!

  Rebecca : Oh, an intruder! My purse is on the kitchen table! Take what you want, but please don't hurt me!

  Susan Harper : Good enough for me!

  Rebecca : Susan!

  Susan Harper : Oh, so now your eyesight's getting better?

• Rebecca : I just wanted to say since you are here, why don't you sit down?

  Susan Harper : No, thank you!

  Rebecca : Please, just sit down!

  Susan Harper : Nope!

  Rebecca : In other words, you won't sit down simply because I've told you to.

  Susan Harper : If I sit down, that means you win.

  Rebecca : Oh, Susan! You're not still playing that game! You're not a teenager anymore!

  [Susan reluctantly sits down] 

  Rebecca : I win!

• Susan Harper : Why did you tell Janey about grandma?

  Rebecca : I thought you believed in being honest with your children. Progressive parenting and all that.

  Susan Harper : Oh, give it a rest!

  Rebecca : Well, you never ask my advice about anything.

  Susan Harper : I don't have to! You give it anyway!

  Rebecca : Martini?

  Susan Harper : Thank you.

  Rebecca : You drink too much!

• Rebecca : How is the idiot?

  Susan Harper : If you're referring to my eldest son, Nick, he's doing very well and we're very proud of him.

  [Knocks back her Martini quickly in disgust] 

  Rebecca : There isn't enough drink in the world, dear!

• Ben Harper : Susan, do you mind, please? I'm trying to find a park for the Harper family bench.

  Susan Harper : Ben, you don't need a bench.

  Ben Harper : Why not? You have your prostitute, I'll have my bench!

  Susan Harper : Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't you just build a monument to yourself?

  Ben Harper : Hmm. No, it's... too expensive. What do you think I should put on the plaque?

  Susan Harper : How about 'Me, me, me'?

  Ben Harper : No, it's about me. It's about the family. It says 'We were here and we refuse to be walked over'.

  Susan Harper : Yes, and now you'll be crapped on by pigeons!

• Nick Harper : [Finishing some cereal]  We're almost out of cereal.

  Susan Harper : But I bought that box today.

  Nick Harper : What can I say? People in this house are pigs!

• [Last lines - Ben is in shock after seeing a photo of him in the newspaper with two prostitutes] 

  Susan Harper : Oh, Ben, it's not that bad!

  Ben Harper : Really? I'm being carted off by a baby policeman, surrounded by a bunch of strumpets. Hah! What could be worse?

  Susan Harper : Oh, please! It's grainy and it's not a good likeness at all. No one can tell it's you.

  [Answers phone] 

  Susan Harper : Oh, hi mum.

  [pause] 

  Susan Harper : Yes, it's him.