The Monkees (TV Series)
Monkee vs. Machine (1966)
James Frawley: DJ-61, DJ-69
Quotes
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DJ-69 : Take a seat please. To preclude the variable factor inherent in the human equation, we have instituted this new electronic personnel procedure requiring... Your name, please.
Peter : What?
DJ-69 : Thank you. Last name: What. And your first name, Mr. What?
Peter : N - It's not 'What'.
DJ-69 : Notwhat. Mr. Notwhat What.
Peter : Wait a minute, that's not my name at all. My name is...
DJ-69 : [interrupting] Occupation?
Peter : ...Peter, ya dig? Pete.
DJ-69 : You dig peat. Occupation: Peat Digger. And your mother's maiden name?
Peter : Thompson.
DJ-69 : Mother's name: Thompson. Sex, please?
Peter : Female, of course.
DJ-69 : All right, Mrs. Notwhat.
Peter : No, my *mother* is female.
DJ-69 : What do you do in your spare time, Mrs. Notwhat?
Peter : Listen, I'm a man!
DJ-69 : In your spare time, you are a man.
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Peter : Oh no, no, that's not it at all. You've - First of all, you've got my name wrong.
DJ-69 : Correction: Name misspelled. Please give correct letter.
Peter : Well, I...
DJ-69 : [interrupting] Correct letter is 'I'. Name is not Notwhat, but Nitwit.
Peter : Oh, brother...
DJ-69 : Brother is also a Nitwit.
Peter : Now, just a minute!
DJ-69 : That will do, Nitwit. Test complete. Interview ended. Application rejected.
[a dismissive bell sounds]
Peter : Give me a chance.
Secretary : [door to interview chamber opens] I'm sorry, you're rejected.
Peter : Why do I have to talk to a machine? Why couldn't I talk to a human being?
DJ-69 : Because, Nitwit, a machine avoids the human error, the human error, the human errroorrrrr...
[machine runs down]
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[Mike exacts revenge on the DJ-61 interviewing computer:]
DJ-69 : What is your name?
Mike : [rushing the machine] Nesmith! What's yours?
DJ-69 : What?
Mike : Thank you, Mr. What. And what's your first name?
DJ-69 : It's not 'What'.
Mike : Mr. Notwhat What. And what is your occupation?
DJ-69 : Name is not 'Notwhat'! I am computer DJ-61!
Mike : Oh, you're a DJ! Look, I'll bet you've got a great record collection.
[computer starts to overload]
Mike : Now tell me about your mother and father.
DJ-69 : My mother was a duplicating machine...
Mike : Sex?
[smoke and disturbing noises issue from DJ-61]
Mike : Oh, I'll bet you're a real swinger when you're turned on.
[low groan]
Mike : Dirty old man...
DJ-69 : Wait! I am not programmed for these questions!
Mike : Oh, you want a different program? Well, let - Okay, um...
[starts stabbing buttons at random. DJ-61 crashes amid smoke, flying punched cards, and a shower of sparks]
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DJ-69 : My mother was a duplicating machine.