- Fairy Of The Locket: Eh, you, you shall cut a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.
- Mike the Cobbler: A shoes that will sc- that will scale...
- Fairy Of The Locket: You, you shall sow me a set of mail that nothing can penetrate
- Davy the Taylor: I'll sew a sote, a send you a suit, in the mail, right.
- Fairy Of The Locket: Yeah. and you, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.
- Micky the Innkeeper: Richt, forge, yeah right! Heheh.
- Peter, peasant of Tork: What about me?
- Fairy Of The Locket: You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working.
- Fairy Of The Locket: But remember, you must not drop or crush or lose the locket.
- Micky the Innkeeper: Ah, cause it will lose it's magic, right?
- Mike the Cobbler: Way to go, man!
- Fairy Of The Locket: No, cause I'll be killed, stupid, it's my home!
- Peter: Oh fair Princess. I have loved you from afar lo these many moons. May I carry you across the mud?
- Mike: [as Princess] You carry me across the mud? Ha Ha. I'm a princess. You're nothing but a lonely little peasant, a wayward serf, the lowest of the low.
- Peter: So you've heard of me.
- Mike: I will honor your spine with a walk across it. Down peasant.
- Peter: My spine thanks you.
- Mike: Down
- [she steps on back and crosses]
- Peter: There's a 50 cent toll at the other end.
- Mike: Shut up or I'll have you paved.
- Peter: Except for royal traffic, of course.
- Princess Gwen: Well, you have kidnapped and threatened to kill the woman that you were gonna marry. I hope you have some sort of an explanation?
- Harold: I dispise you!
- Princess Gwen: I didn't ask for an apology, stupid.
- Mike the Cobbler: [commenting on Princess Gwen, whom he also plays] Wow! What a great looking chick!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: [Princess Gwen throws Peter a locket] What's this?
- Princess Gwen: It's junk!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: I don't deserve it!
- Princess Gwen: Yes, I'm hip, but wear it anyway, it looks good on you.
- Goldylocks: Help! Help! Oh, help me, woodsman, oh help me! the two bears are chasing me from their house!
- Davy the Taylor: Two bears? I thought there were three bears?
- Goldylocks: Yeah, well, the Papa Bear kinda wanted me to hang around...
- Davy the Taylor: [during the climactic fight] Can you fight too, I'm doing all the fighting here!
- The Town Crier: [cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Davy!
- Micky the Innkeeper: [back to the fight] Peter, Peter, what about the locket?
- The Town Crier: [cut to the Town Cryer] Hooray for Micky!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: [back to the fight] She made me give it back!
- Princess Gwen: You're darn right I took it back, it's my locket!
- The Town Crier: Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling there were four young men. There was Mike...
- Mike the Cobbler: Hi, I'm Mike and I'm the cobbler, ha!
- The Town Crier: And Davy...
- Davy the Taylor: Hi, I'm Davy and I'm the taylor, aha!
- The Town Crier: And Micky...
- Micky the Innkeeper: Hi, I'm Micky, and I'm the innkeeper.
- The Town Crier: And Peter.
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Hi, I'm Peter, and I'm out of work.
- Harold: [to Richard] Water the horses, dislodge the carriage, find provisions and clean the erasers!
- Princess Gwen: Well, If you don't get me out of this filthy little village in... ten minutes, I'm not gonna marry you. What do you think of that?
- Harold: Oh wow, what a bummer!
- Princess Gwen: Open the door, creep!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: A Romeo and Juliet, they're not.
- Peter, peasant of Tork: And he's gonna murder her in the tower, a remote castle protected by a scary forrest and a moat, moat, and a im-p-enetrable dragon.
- Davy the Taylor: A what kind of dragon?
- Peter, peasant of Tork: An im-p-enetrable dragon.
- Davy the Taylor: So what are you gonna do, Peter?
- Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm gonna miss her when she's gone.
- Fairy Of The Locket: Who called the Fairy of the Locket?
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Locket?
- [stuttering]
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Well, I guess I did.
- Fairy Of The Locket: Well, call back later. I was having my hair done. Bye!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Why do I have to go into the scary forest and face the dragon and safe the Princess? I don't even like her anymore!
- Mike the Cobbler: Don't even like her? Man, that's the grooviest looking chick I ever saw!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Who are you?
- Little Red Riding Hood: Oh, ah, I'm Little Red Riding Hood and I'm gonna see my grandmother in the forest.
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Oh no, you can't go, the wolf's all ready been to your grandmothers and he's eaten her up and he's waiting to do the same thing to you!
- Little Red Riding Hood: Sure kid, and the cow jumped over the moon, heheh.
- Dragon of the Moat: Roar! Roar! I'm the dragon of the moat. Roar!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm not afraid of you, I have a magic sword!
- Dragon of the Moat: Oh, for goodness sake, put that thing away. I've had enough of violence in my life, I'm sick of it!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: Oh, well, huh, that's refreshing.
- Dragon of the Moat: Listen, I'll just ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll lower the drawbridge.
- Peter, peasant of Tork: I'm not very good at riddles.
- Dragon of the Moat: Are you better at getting eaten?
- [Peter shakes his head]
- Dragon of the Moat: Hahaha! What has two ears, two eyes and a very short life?
- Peter, peasant of Tork: I don't know.
- Dragon of the Moat: That's close enough. Lower the drawbridge!
- Dragon of the Moat: What has six eyes, six ears, and a short life?
- Micky the Innkeeper: Three dumb peasants.
- Dragon of the Moat: Hey, that's right.
- Davy the Taylor: That's a good one.
- Mike the Cobbler: How did you know that, wow!
- Dragon of the Moat: Lower the drawbridge!
- Peter, peasant of Tork: My swords, stuck, give me the locket!
- Princess Gwen: You're gonna fight them with a magic locket? You might as well do a dance to spring. Nosirree bob, baby, the locket stays with me.
- Peter: Princess?
- Princess Gwen: Yes?
- Peter: Princess, will you marry me?
- Princess Gwen: No, I won't marry you!
- Peter: You won't marry me?
- Princess Gwen: Of course not, man!
- Peter: [Princess Gwen is taking off her wig] Why won't you marry-Michael!
- Mike: Yeah, I'm already married, man. You know, Phyllis and Christian and my little kids.