Photos
Quotes
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Col. Potter : All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter : and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J. : I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter : [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns : Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye : Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter : Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.
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Col. Potter : What are you beating your gums about, Major?
Frank Burns : Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
Col. Potter : Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major?
Frank Burns : Pretty much, sir.
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Frank Burns : She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter : And did you oblige?
Frank Burns : I couldn't.
Col. Potter : Creep.
Frank Burns : I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J. : Miss Right?
Hawkeye : Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.
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Col. Potter : [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. Someone has to have the other one, and they have to be on your frequency.
Hawkeye : It's no fun alone, Frank.
B.J. : What is?
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B.J. : [Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye : I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J. : Wearing a red riding hood?
Hawkeye : Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J. : She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye : Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter : Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye : Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye : Yeah.
[Nods]
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Frank Burns : [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns : Now!
B.J. : Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye : By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns : I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter : Stop trying. That should help right off.
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Col. Potter : Anybody got a compass?
B.J. : I got a neat one in San Francisco.
Col. Potter : [Frank tests the wind currents] What are you doing?
Frank Burns : The breeze is coming from that direction.
Col. Potter : Thank you. Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.
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Col. Potter : [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank Burns : Fine leadership.
B.J. : What would you do?
Frank Burns : If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J. : I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank Burns : Only for inspection.
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Col. Potter : So in the dead of night, you decide to go off half-cocked and get help?
Radar : Well, gee, sir, since I got us lost and I broke the bus, I figured I didn't need your half-cocked permission.
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Col. Potter : I've been in worse spots.
Hawkeye : Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change?
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B.J. : [about Radar] I think it's agreed we all like him.
Col. Potter : Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower.
Frank Burns : It wasn't me.
Col. Potter : Why would I think it was you?
Frank Burns : Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do.
Col. Potter : Well why did you do it?
Frank Burns : Because I felt is was my duty.
Col. Potter : I thought you said you didn't do it.
Frank Burns : ...I thought I did too.
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Col. Potter : [Frank is guarding a POW] If you don't accidentally shoot yourself first, I'll relieve you in two hours. If you do, I'll relieve you earlier. That's it, let's get some kip.
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Frank Burns : He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter : Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye : You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank Burns : Boy are they clever.
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Col. Potter : [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank Burns : Sir?
Col. Potter : Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank Burns : That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J. : Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.
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Col. Potter : [Radar and Frank come running up] Burns?
Frank Burns : Ah, sighted nothing. Reporting same.
Col. Potter : A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.
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Col. Potter : What's wrong, Radar?
Radar : I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns : Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye : It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J. : Now, what?
Hawkeye : We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J. : Hear, hear.
Col. Potter : Let's finish this one first, shall we?
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Frank Burns : You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar : Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter : Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank Burns : Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye : I wouldn't take shop from anyone.
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Col. Potter : Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until it gets light out.
Frank Burns : [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter : Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye : [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank Burns : Is he back yet?
B.J. : No, not yet.
Frank Burns : No, huh?
Hawkeye : No, huh. That's right, huh.
