Photos
Quotes
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Frank Burns : [into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank Burns : There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye : Terrific, Frank.
B.J. : They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
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Col. Potter : All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter : and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J. : I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter : [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns : Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye : Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter : Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.
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Col. Potter : What are you beating your gums about, Major?
Frank Burns : Well, Colonel, I don't think you appreciate the true nature of our situation, um, gravity-wise speaking.
Col. Potter : Unless I'm mistaken, we're lost, we can't move, we have no food or water, no blankets, no communications, night is falling, we may be right now in enemy territory. An enemy that would think nothing of giving us bamboo manicures up to our knuckles. Followed by boiling egg drop colonics. Does that sound like the proper appreciation, Major?
Frank Burns : Pretty much, sir.
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Frank Burns : She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter : And did you oblige?
Frank Burns : I couldn't.
Col. Potter : Creep.
Frank Burns : I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J. : Miss Right?
Hawkeye : Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.
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Frank Burns : [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns : Now!
B.J. : Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye : By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns : I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter : Stop trying. That should help right off.
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Frank Burns : We can't be lost.
Hawkeye : We are, Frank. I've been lost before and this is exactly what it looks like.
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Col. Potter : Anybody got a compass?
B.J. : I got a neat one in San Francisco.
Col. Potter : [Frank tests the wind currents] What are you doing?
Frank Burns : The breeze is coming from that direction.
Col. Potter : Thank you. Now all we have to do is trade the bus for an airplane.
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Col. Potter : [their bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere] At least if it was a horse, we could shoot it.
Frank Burns : Fine leadership.
B.J. : What would you do?
Frank Burns : If this unit were still under my command, you'd soon find out.
B.J. : I spent a week with you in command, Frank. You lost me when you rigged the toilet seats to rise to attention.
Frank Burns : Only for inspection.
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Frank Burns : I wish I was home.
B.J. : I wish you was home too, Frank.
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B.J. : [about Radar] I think it's agreed we all like him.
Col. Potter : Except whoever wrote me anonymously that Radar was selling tickets to the hole in the nurse's shower.
Frank Burns : It wasn't me.
Col. Potter : Why would I think it was you?
Frank Burns : Because I know people think that that's just the kind of thing I might do.
Col. Potter : Well why did you do it?
Frank Burns : Because I felt is was my duty.
Col. Potter : I thought you said you didn't do it.
Frank Burns : ...I thought I did too.
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Frank Burns : [aboard a broken down bus, they encounter a North Korean soldier] He's attacking. He wants us to surrender!
B.J. : Either that or he's asking if this bus goes downtown.
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Frank Burns : I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye : I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.
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Frank Burns : He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter : Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye : You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank Burns : Boy are they clever.
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Col. Potter : [Frank Burns has an assault rifle trained on a POW] Burns?
Frank Burns : Sir?
Col. Potter : Didn't I see your picture in the post office? I wonder if he saw Radar out there.
Frank Burns : That's right. You could be giving aid to someone who killed one of our own boys. I don't mean Radar, I'm sure he's alright. Er... Reasonably sure.
B.J. : Frank, keep putting your foot in your mouth and you're going to wind up with athlete's tongue.
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Frank Burns : [reminiscing about school] ... It was my sophomore year. She was a little brunette of Jewish persuasion.
[giggle]
Hawkeye : I wonder who persuaded her to be that?
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Radar : When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye : Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank Burns : There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank Burns : Get away from there!
B.J. : Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank Burns : Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J. : By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J. : Careful, that could be loaded.
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Frank Burns : [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this
[his loaded rifle]
Frank Burns : talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react
[whips around]
Frank Burns : Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that?
[gets out walkie talkie]
Frank Burns : Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo?
[the POW has fallen asleep]
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Col. Potter : [Radar and Frank come running up] Burns?
Frank Burns : Ah, sighted nothing. Reporting same.
Col. Potter : A simple "crapped out" will be sufficient, Major.
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Col. Potter : What's wrong, Radar?
Radar : I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns : Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye : It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J. : Now, what?
Hawkeye : We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J. : Hear, hear.
Col. Potter : Let's finish this one first, shall we?
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Frank Burns : You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar : Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter : Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank Burns : Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye : I wouldn't take shop from anyone.
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Hawkeye : [Frank taps on the bus with a screw driver, then kicks the tires] You planning to fix it or buy it, Frank?
Frank Burns : Oh, hardy-har!
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Col. Potter : Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until it gets light out.
Frank Burns : [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter : Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye : [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank Burns : Is he back yet?
B.J. : No, not yet.
Frank Burns : No, huh?
Hawkeye : No, huh. That's right, huh.
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B.J. : Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye : If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank Burns : Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye : You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye : It's nobody's fault. You know that.
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Frank Burns : Any Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye : Terrific, Frank.
B.J. : They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
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Frank Burns : [guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this
[indicating his loaded rifle]
Frank Burns : talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react
[whips around]
Frank Burns : Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that?
[gets out walkie talkie which no one else is on the other end of]
Frank Burns : Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo?
[looks at the POW who has fallen asleep]
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Frank Burns : Any Allied personnel, here is my position... uh, there is a fighter plane approaching... and, uh, when I say 'now', the jet will be directly over my head.
[Waits; fighter jet flies overhead]
Frank Burns : Now!
B.J. : Frank, that thing's 1,000 feet up and going 500 miles an hour!
Hawkeye : By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies!
