Photos
Quotes
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Frank Burns : [into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank Burns : There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye : Terrific, Frank.
B.J. : They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
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Col. Potter : All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter : and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J. : I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter : [to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns : Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye : Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter : Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.
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Hawkeye : I think I'm getting delirious. I'm just having warm, friendly thoughts about the gourmet leftovers at the 4077 chow line.
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Frank Burns : She was really warm for my form.
Col. Potter : And did you oblige?
Frank Burns : I couldn't.
Col. Potter : Creep.
Frank Burns : I wanted to save myself for Miss Right.
B.J. : Miss Right?
Hawkeye : Orville and Wilbur's sister. She invented the first airplane stewardess.
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Col. Potter : [Frank finds a single radio and attempts to communicate with it] Major, there have to be two of those things. Someone has to have the other one, and they have to be on your frequency.
Hawkeye : It's no fun alone, Frank.
B.J. : What is?
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B.J. : [Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye : I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J. : Wearing a red riding hood?
Hawkeye : Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J. : She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye : Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter : Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye : Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye : Yeah.
[Nods]
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Frank Burns : [into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns : Now!
B.J. : Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye : By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns : I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter : Stop trying. That should help right off.
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Frank Burns : We can't be lost.
Hawkeye : We are, Frank. I've been lost before and this is exactly what it looks like.
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Col. Potter : I've been in worse spots.
Hawkeye : Have you ever tried getting dressed quietly in a dark closet with a pocket full of change?
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Frank Burns : I can plug an ace of hearts at fifty feet.
Hawkeye : I'll remember that if we're attacked by a bridge club.
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Frank Burns : He's probably booby trapped. 'Could go off in our faces.
Col. Potter : Burns, don't start going on about going off. Let's get him inside.
Hawkeye : You may be right, Frank. I think what he's done is he's cut a gash in his leg, inserted a grenade, and disguised it with his own blood.
Frank Burns : Boy are they clever.
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Frank Burns : [reminiscing about school] ... It was my sophomore year. She was a little brunette of Jewish persuasion.
[giggle]
Hawkeye : I wonder who persuaded her to be that?
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Radar : When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye : Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank Burns : There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank Burns : Get away from there!
B.J. : Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank Burns : Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J. : By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J. : Careful, that could be loaded.
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Col. Potter : What's wrong, Radar?
Radar : I don't know, sir, she won't start.
Frank Burns : Oh swell. We can't go forward and we can't go back.
Hawkeye : It's a sign from heaven. The war's over!
B.J. : Now, what?
Hawkeye : We burn our uniforms, go home, get married and breed a new batch of draftees for the next one.
B.J. : Hear, hear.
Col. Potter : Let's finish this one first, shall we?
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Frank Burns : You get in the driver's seat. When I tell you to turn her over, turn her over. Roger?
Radar : Roger, Wilco.
Col. Potter : Do you know anything about engines, Major?
Frank Burns : Oh, I took a lot of shop in high school.
Hawkeye : I wouldn't take shop from anyone.
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Hawkeye : [Frank taps on the bus with a screw driver, then kicks the tires] You planning to fix it or buy it, Frank?
Frank Burns : Oh, hardy-har!
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Col. Potter : Hawkeye, we're none of us going wandering around out there. Unacceptable procedure. Also stupid. I won't have it. We can't look for him until it gets light out.
Frank Burns : [Hawkeye angrily kicks front of the bus, startling Burns awake] Oh!
Col. Potter : Easy, Burns.
Hawkeye : [Frank holds a gun] Put that thing away. Cochise is gone. We formed the bus into a circle.
Frank Burns : Is he back yet?
B.J. : No, not yet.
Frank Burns : No, huh?
Hawkeye : No, huh. That's right, huh.
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Hawkeye : I'm in fine fettle. I've never felt fettler.
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B.J. : Radar's radar is jammed.
Hawkeye : If it wasn't would we be here?
Frank Burns : Oh sure, blame it all on O'Reilly.
Hawkeye : You just go back to being Tom Swift and his electric paranoid.
[Looks to Radar]
Hawkeye : It's nobody's fault. You know that.
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Frank Burns : Any Allied personnel! There are only about half a dozen stars visible, sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye : Terrific, Frank.
B.J. : They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
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Frank Burns : Any Allied personnel, here is my position... uh, there is a fighter plane approaching... and, uh, when I say 'now', the jet will be directly over my head.
[Waits; fighter jet flies overhead]
Frank Burns : Now!
B.J. : Frank, that thing's 1,000 feet up and going 500 miles an hour!
Hawkeye : By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies!
