M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Hot Lips and Empty Arms (1973)

McLean Stevenson: Lt. Col. Henry Blake

Photos 

Quotes 

• Margaret : Colonel, I want a transfer.

  Hawkeye : No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.

  Trapper : And watch your step getting off.

  Margaret : And these two are at the top of my list!

  Hawkeye : Hey, we finished first and second.

  Margaret : They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!

  Hawkeye : What do you know? We're major mockers.

  Henry Blake : Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.

  Margaret : [scoffs]  An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!

  Trapper : He's not an impostor.

  Hawkeye : Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.

• Margaret : [very drunk]  Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?

  [She looks around, confused, then jogs away] 

  Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : I wonder if you can, too.

  [Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry] 

  Margaret : [saluting]  Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.

  Henry Blake : Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.

  Trapper : She's tanked.

  Hawkeye : A fine time to make a drinking debut.

  Margaret : Where are the casualties, sir?

  Henry Blake : Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.

  Margaret : Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!

  [Hawkeye and Trapper laugh] 

  Henry Blake : Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.

  Margaret : Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!

  [Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more] 

  Henry Blake : Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.

  Margaret : I can't operate in my tent!

  Trapper : [still laughing]  You're doing okay so far!

  Margaret : Aah, go salute yourself!

• Margaret : Colonel, I just wanted you to know that I was preparing my final report before I go, which I haven't done yet.

  [she walks up to Henry's liquor cabinet and finds it locked] 

  Margaret : Uh, how do you get into this thing?

  Henry Blake : Is there something you want?

  Margaret : I thought a little farewell drink - Major, Colonel.

  Henry Blake : Looks like you've already been dipping your bill. You sure you won't reconsider, major?

  Margaret : No, I've thought it over, and I definitely would like another drink.

  Henry Blake : Okay. Scotch and water okay?

  Margaret : That's fine. Oh, you can skip the water.

  Henry Blake : Oo-kay.

  Margaret : [mimicking Henry]  Oo-kay.

  Henry Blake : [pouring drinks]  You know, Major, you're making a mistake. This outfit may be a bit of a booby hatch, but, uh, we do awful good work together.

  Margaret : Yeah, I can't fight you there.

  Henry Blake : Cheers.

  [they toast and drink] 

  Margaret : I need army discipline. I need a sense of order. Can't you understand that, Colonel?

  Henry Blake : Why don't you call me Henry, for Pete's sake?

  Margaret : That's really swell of you, Pete.

  Henry Blake : [sitting down]  Excuse me.

  Margaret : Do you know that you look just like my father before he died?

  Henry Blake : Oh, uh, a lot of people have said that.

  Margaret : [pouring another drink]  It's funny how you only get to know people after they're gone. I feel real close to you right now.

  Henry Blake : Yeah, sure. Uh, that, uh, scotch you just poured is rye.

  Margaret : That's okay. The champagne I just had was gin.

• Henry Blake : [Reluctantly handing Margaret the transfer order she requested]  In case you have have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this.

  [Turns to Trapper and Hawkeye] 

  Henry Blake : Right, group?

  Hawkeye , Trapper : Right.

  Henry Blake : Whatever was, of course, has been. But, we *are* family, Margaret.

  Radar : [Speaking over PA system]  Attention. All personnel. Effective immediately, Major. Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th. There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce.

  Hawkeye : Well, there are families and there are families.

• Maj. Frank Burns : Scalpel.

  Henry Blake : Gonna do some cutting, Frank?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Well, I figured I would go after the appendix while I'm in the area.

  Henry Blake : That's not the appendix, Frank. That's my pinky. And I'm rather fond of it.

• [Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office] 

  Henry Blake : Pretty good, huh?

  Trapper : Not much story, but plenty of action.

  Hawkeye : [leaning toward the screen]  It can't be!

  Henry Blake : What?

  Hawkeye : It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!

  [He cackles gleefully] 

  Hawkeye : She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.

  Margaret : [entering the office, immediately shocked]  Colonel!

  Henry Blake : Whoops!

  Margaret : That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!

  Hawkeye : Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.

  Margaret : It's disgusting!

  Hawkeye : The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.

• Margaret : Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.

  Henry Blake : Look, I am glad this has come up. Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex.

  Margaret : I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers!

  Trapper : You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.