M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Hot Lips and Empty Arms (1973)
Wayne Rogers: Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre
Photos
Quotes
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Margaret : Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye : No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper : And watch your step getting off.
Margaret : And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye : Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret : They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye : What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry Blake : Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret : [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper : He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye : Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.
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Margaret : [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret : [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry Blake : Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper : She's tanked.
Hawkeye : A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret : Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry Blake : Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret : Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry Blake : Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret : Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry Blake : Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret : I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper : [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret : Aah, go salute yourself!
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Henry Blake : [Reluctantly handing Margaret the transfer order she requested] In case you have have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this.
[Turns to Trapper and Hawkeye]
Henry Blake : Right, group?
Henry Blake : Whatever was, of course, has been. But, we *are* family, Margaret.
Radar : [Speaking over PA system] Attention. All personnel. Effective immediately, Major. Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th. There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
Hawkeye : Well, there are families and there are families.
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[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry Blake : Pretty good, huh?
Trapper : Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye : [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry Blake : What?
Hawkeye : It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye : She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret : [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry Blake : Whoops!
Margaret : That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye : Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret : It's disgusting!
Hawkeye : The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.
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Margaret : Colonel, I am requesting that you officially and formally approve my transfer.
Henry Blake : Look, I am glad this has come up. Now, I want you two guys to straighten up and fly right. I want you to accord Major Houlihan the courtesy and respect accordable to someone who has achieved her high rank and sex.
Margaret : I am not looking for a truce with these two shower-tent peekers!
Trapper : You peek into one shower and you're labeled for life.
