M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Hot Lips and Empty Arms (1973)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Margaret : Colonel, I want a transfer.
Hawkeye : No transfers are issued until the camp comes to a full stop.
Trapper : And watch your step getting off.
Margaret : And these two are at the top of my list!
Hawkeye : Hey, we finished first and second.
Margaret : They've totally destroyed my authority with the nursing staff; they have made a mockery of my majority!
Hawkeye : What do you know? We're major mockers.
Henry Blake : Simmer down, Pierce. That's an order.
Margaret : [scoffs] An order? Why don't you stop masquerading as a commanding officer? You're nothing but a spineless, mealymouthed, fly-fishing impostor!
Trapper : He's not an impostor.
Hawkeye : Right. He's a *genuine* spineless, mealymouthed fly-fisher.
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Margaret : [very drunk] Oh. Corporal. I wonder if I can see Colonel Blake?
[She looks around, confused, then jogs away]
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : I wonder if you can, too.
[Margaret drunkenly jogs up to Hawkeye, Trapper, and Henry Blake, stopping directly in front of Henry]
Margaret : [saluting] Major Margon Houlihat reporting for duty, sir.
Henry Blake : Aw boy, drunk as a skunk.
Trapper : She's tanked.
Hawkeye : A fine time to make a drinking debut.
Margaret : Where are the casualties, sir?
Henry Blake : Now, just hold your horses. They're not even here yet.
Margaret : Well, then, let's go get 'em, sir. I'll drive!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh]
Henry Blake : Major? Major, dear, you're drunk.
Margaret : Oh, I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
[Hawkeye and Trapper laugh some more]
Henry Blake : Uh, you'd better go to your tent, Major.
Margaret : I can't operate in my tent!
Trapper : [still laughing] You're doing okay so far!
Margaret : Aah, go salute yourself!
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Henry Blake : [Reluctantly handing Margaret the transfer order she requested] In case you have have any second thoughts, we'll keep mum about this.
[Turns to Trapper and Hawkeye]
Henry Blake : Right, group?
Henry Blake : Whatever was, of course, has been. But, we *are* family, Margaret.
Radar : [Speaking over PA system] Attention. All personnel. Effective immediately, Major. Margaret Houlihan is leaving the 4077th. There will be wine with dinner with ice cream and chocolate sauce.
Hawkeye : Well, there are families and there are families.
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Margaret : Here's to Captains Pierce and McIntyre. To their all-night binges. To their secret nurse ceremonies. To their planting of microphones in sleeping bags. To their childish switching of names on latrines. All of which goes into my special report to General Mitchell, which culminates in a detailed account of your Thanksgiving "Come As Your Favorite Nude Pilgrim" party.
[Margaret, Hawkeye, and Trapper all drink. She makes a face]
Margaret : This stuff isn't champagne. Champagne tickles my nose.
Hawkeye : This stuff eats it away.
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[Henry Blake, Hawkeye and Trapper are watching a nudie flick in Henry's office]
Henry Blake : Pretty good, huh?
Trapper : Not much story, but plenty of action.
Hawkeye : [leaning toward the screen] It can't be!
Henry Blake : What?
Hawkeye : It is! It's Charlie Abrams's receptionist!
[He cackles gleefully]
Hawkeye : She looks a lot better in balloons than a uniform.
Margaret : [entering the office, immediately shocked] Colonel!
Henry Blake : Whoops!
Margaret : That's the most vulgar, base thing I've ever seen!
Hawkeye : Well, Margaret, you can't come in in the middle.
Margaret : It's disgusting!
Hawkeye : The critics panned it, too, but we're trying to judge it on its own merits.
