M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Deal Me Out (1973)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Sex.
Hawkeye : Why?
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
Hawkeye : Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.
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Hawkeye : [after a patient starts shooting in the compound] Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
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Army Capt. Halloran : One bullet. That's all I need.
Hawkeye : Ok, one bullet. Just don't use the gun.
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Frank Burns : [about Capt. Halloran joining "The Conference"] Amazing! Anyone who comes in here is instantly corrupted!
Hawkeye : Hurry up, Frank. The good ship Lollipop is leaving.
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[an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
Henry Blake : Radar, what's going on?
Radar : It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
Hawkeye : Sidney, front and center.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
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Klinger : ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
Trapper : I'm out.
Henry Blake : I'm in.
Hawkeye : I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
[Calls]
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Your five, and up five.
Klinger : That's mean.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
Trapper : Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
Capt. Sam Pak : I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
Klinger : All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
[deals the next cards]
Dr. Sidney Freedman : [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
Hawkeye : What's your problem, poker face?
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'm "committing suicide."
Henry Blake : Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
Hawkeye : Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
Klinger : Dealer bets ten bucks!
[tosses in the bet]
Klinger : Colonel?
Henry Blake : [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Fondling your chips is very infantile.
Henry Blake : Not now, Sidney.
Radar : But sir...
Henry Blake : Not now, Radar.
Radar : Yeah, but sir...
Henry Blake : Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!
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Radar : Sir?
Hawkeye , Dr. Sidney Freedman , Army Capt. Halloran , Trapper , Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Yes?
Radar : Colonel sir?
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Army Capt. Halloran : [Hawkeye is collecting contributions to pay off the man who's pretending Radar hit him with a Jeep] Hey, this is blackmail, you know. Maybe I ought to run him in.
Hawkeye : Maybe you will on your way home.
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Maj. Frank Burns : You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man?
Hawkeye : Yeah, we decided to save his life for kicks.