- [first lines]
- [Compo moans]
- Foggy Dewhurst: Stop squirming about!
- Compo Simmonite: I'm bored!
- Foggy Dewhurst: How can you be bored?
- Compo Simmonite: It's easy. You just go
- [moans]
- Foggy Dewhurst: You've got your health, and your strength, all those fascinating holes in your garments. If you want to do something, why don't you do something about them?
- Compo Simmonite: Ah, I'm fed up! Nothing ever happens round here.
- Norman Clegg: Well, be fair. We had a war in 1939.
- Compo Simmonite: Aye, and that were an away match.
- [last lines]
- Foggy Dewhurst: And I've heard quite enough about Earnshaw for one day. Y' know it's very distressing for a man of my scientific outlook to be rubbing shoulders with a couple of... superstitious idiots like you two. Now, I want you to repeat after me: there is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no...
- [water burst through the wall]
- Foggy Dewhurst: No, uh. Get a cork.
- Compo Simmonite: Look, Foggy. Some folk are Catholic, some folk are C of E, I'm Yorkshire.
- Foggy Dewhurst: Typical, isn't it? Typical. He thinks Jerusalem is somewhere between Leeds and Bradford.