L.A. Law (TV Series)

Great Balls Afire (1992)

Corbin Bernsen: Arnie Becker

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Quotes 

• Arnie Becker : Well, so far this alleged daughter hasn't filed yet. She'll probably threaten to go public to force a settlement.

  Ann Kelsey : That's blackmail.

  Arnie Becker : Oh, absolutely. Look, this Gorman is a bottom feeder. I wouldn't be surprised if he manipulated this girl into filing suit. He may even try to get appointed her guardian.

  Ann Kelsey : So, we're looking at fraud here.

  Arnie Becker : Probably. But they've done some homework. Stuart... You did know this woman? Karen Alder?

  Stuart Markowitz : Yep, I - I dated her for, like, uh, 3 months.

  Arnie Becker : And you did go to bed with her?

  Stuart Markowitz : Yes. It was a casual thing. Well, I wasn't a monk.

  Ann Kelsey : I never said you were.

  Arnie Becker : Okay, the good news is the girl is 16, the most she can ask for is 2 years support until she reaches her majority.

  Stuart Markowitz : What's the bad news?

  Arnie Becker : California child support guidelines state that a child must be supported in a fashion commensurate with the father's wealth.

  Ann Kelsey : Oh, God.

  Arnie Becker : Giving your net annual salary, uh, I could see her going for, what, 6,000 a month for 2 years? You're looking at a $150,000 hit here.

  Stuart Markowitz : If this really were my daughter, why didn't the mother contact me for support?

  Ann Kelsey : Exactly.

  Arnie Becker : Relax. They overlooked one thing.

  Stuart Markowitz : What?

  Arnie Becker : Your sperm count is so low, it can be measured in fractions. Their case is real shaky.

  Stuart Markowitz : Great, that makes me feel really wonderful.

  Ann Kelsey : So, what do we do?

  Arnie Becker : The easiest way to get rid of this: DNA tests. But it probably won't come to that. Look, Gorman is a K-mart lawyer. If I go at him at Warp 10 and I don't let up, I might intimidate him right back into the woodwork.

  Ann Kelsey : Good, because if he thinks we're going to roll over for this kind of extortion, he is dead wrong.

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Next stop, the Simon & Catherine Rubin Foundation vs. University of California and Dr. Emily Connor. We're representing Dr. Connor and the University?

  Jonathan Rollins : Yeah. The Rubin Foundation granted Dr. Connor $100,000 to study a new way to save heart attack and stroke victims, she's happy to the project and Kurt Rubin the Foundations President wants his money back.

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Why?

  Jonathan Rollins : He says she's breach the contract by using scientific data from the Nazi concentration camps.

  Alex DePalma : What?

  Tommy Mullaney : Nazis?

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : What date?

  Stuart Markowitz : We're representing Nazis?

  Jonathan Rollins : No. We're representing a highly respected scientist who wants to save lives.

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Which particular Nazi experiments is she using?

  Jonathan Rollins : The deco hypothermia experiment.

  Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb : Huh.

  Jonathan Rollins : You know where they subject to prisoners to freezing temperatures and monitor the physiological responses.

  Alex DePalma : How many died?

  Jonathan Rollins : About 90 men, but tens of thousands die every month from heart disease and my client thinks you can save a lot of them.

  Stuart Markowitz : I'm sorry, I don't by that.

  Arnie Becker : You're hate to sound crass, but if it meant the life-or-death of somebody that I love dad want them to use the data, it won't change would have to those prisoners.

  Leland McKenzie : Well, I don't think it's quite that simple, Arnold.

  Jonathan Rollins : Come on, Leland, no one's saying experiments were horrendous, but there were 50 years ago. If the data concede even one life today, I feel...

  Leland McKenzie : Now, I - I'm - I'm not saying you shouldn't take the case, Jonathan. And I understand what Mr. Rubin is afraid of.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Is there any possibility of a settlement?

  Jonathan Rollins : So far they haven't been willing, I think it just hoping for the best deal at the 11th hour.

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Good luck. And we're adjourned.

• Ann Kelsey : Be aggressive, Arnie, I want vintage Becker.

  Arnie Becker : Please, Anne.

  [Arnie open the door to get to the proceedings] 

  Arnie Becker : Good Morning.

  Barry Gorman : Mr. Markowitz.

  [Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Stuart Markowitz] 

  Barry Gorman : Mr. Becker.

  [And Mr. Gorman shaking hands with Arnie Becker] 

  Stuart Markowitz : This is my wife, Ann Kelsey.

  Ann Kelsey : Mr. Gorman.

  Barry Gorman : I'd like you both to meet my client, Sarah Alder.

  [Sarah meets is Ann Kelsey and Stuart Markowitz] 

  Sarah Alder : Hi.

  Ann Kelsey : Hello.

  Sarah Alder : [Sarah shaking hands with Stuart]  Hi.

  Stuart Markowitz : Hi

• Arnie Becker : Let's get started. First thing I'd like to know is what you're doing representing a minor.

  Barry Gorman : It so happens, Counselor, that I'm planning on seeking guardianship for this young lady.

  Arnie Becker : You know, the only thing that stinks here worse than your case, Counselor, is your ethics.

  Barry Gorman : Let's drop the animosity, shall we?

  Arnie Becker : You haven't even seen animosity, Mr. Gorman. It's highly unlikely that this girl is Mr. Markowitz's daughter. These medical records from his urologist can attest. You're leveling flimsy charges against a man of high principles... and low sperm count.

  Stuart Markowitz : All right, Arnie.

  Ann Kelsey : She's your daughter, Stuart.

  Arnie Becker : What?

  Stuart Markowitz : What?

  Ann Kelsey : You're the father, I can tell.

  Barry Gorman : Terrific. Let's draw up some papers.

  Ann Kelsey : Look at her. Look at her eyes, for God's sake, can't you see it?

  Arnie Becker : I don't believe this.

• Ann Kelsey : How are we going to tell Matthew?

  Stuart Markowitz : Honey, Matthew's 2 years old.

  Ann Kelsey : I can't just see it now, Mother, this is Stuart's daughter by a previous relationship.

  Stuart Markowitz : Now, wait a minute, we don't talk to your mother now, why should this change...

  Sarah Alder : [Sarah finds out that's not true]  He's not my father.

  Barry Gorman : What?

  Arnie Becker : What?

  Sarah Alder : I'm sorry. I knew my mom have been with you. I knew you had money, that's why I came to you. But you're not my real father.

  Barry Gorman : Let's not jump to any rash conclusions here.

  Sarah Alder : He doesn't even look like me.

  [Sarah and Stuart are not related] 

  Sarah Alder : I'm sorry.

  [Sarah's leaving and heading home. What's wrong with Stuart Markowitz biologically paternal? And what's the matter with Ann Kelsey? She's out of her mind]