- Hank: Hey, this is perfect. Tomorrow, Christmas service falls right between the Aloha Bowl and the Oahu Bowl.
- [Bill has built a Santa's village in his front yard]
- Peggy Hill: It looks like a carnival. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
- Hank: It's Christmas AND Bill's happy. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.
- Bill Dauterive: You may not be happy with me now, Soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
- Wally: For what? For making me a jarhead?
- Bill Dauterive: No, for convincing the judge that the army is a better place for you than prison. Oh and you're not a jarhead. That's the marine corps. You're a grunt!
- Bobby Hill: [All three are drunk from drinking from a 40 oz beer bottle] Come here, just think Connie girl when we're grownups and marrieds we'll get to do this every night!
- Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.: [Slurring her speech] Yeah I want a house just like this
- [indicating the bounce house they're lying in]
- Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.: with soft floors and plastic windows.
- Joseph Gribble: [Looking up at the ceiling which has stars painted on it] Look at the stars, there's... like so many of 'em!
- Hank: Sorry Bobby, it's rated TV-14. The last time I checked, you were still 13.
- Bobby Hill: Oh come on, Dad. I tell ya what, I'll just close my eyes when things get too *colorful*.
- Hank: Nice try, mister, but I've seen the way you watch TV. You never blink.