I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

The Colour of Alan (2002)

Simon Greenall: Michael

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : I'd just like to fly a helicopter all round Norfolk. You know, swoop down over a field, scare a donkey so it falls into a river. And hover over one of those annoying families that go on holidays on bikes, you know, and shout at them "GET OUT OF THE AREA!" and watch them panic.

  Michael : Me, I'd-I'd-I'd have a, an Apache attack helicopter.

  Alan Partridge : Ah, great.

  Michael : Aye. I'd gan back to school. First I'd take oot the labs.

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : And then I'd type into the attack computer 'Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher'.

  [makes an explosion noise] 

  Michael : Blow him to bits.

  Alan Partridge : [chuckles]  Oh yeah. I know the feeling.

  Michael : [getting increasingly intense]  And then I'd gan looking for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering, just doon the road from his hoose, there. And he'd see us, but I'd duck down behind the trees, and he thinks he's safe, right? And he's just about to put the key in his front door, and I come up from behind the hedge.

  [mimes flying a helicopter, making the noise] 

  Michael : "Hello, you bastard!"' He panics, right, and he gans in the hoose, so I get the 30-millimetre cannon and I take out the fish pond...

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : Koi carp in there, at £40 each, right? And then I just tilt the helicopter over to one side...

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : And the machine gun bullets is chewing up the drive, right? He comes oot - "Oh no! Not me Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!"

  [makes machine gun noises] 

  Michael : I cut it right in half, right? And then he gans "Ahhh!" He runs up on to the garage roof. I say "Right. This is for you, Tom!" He goes, "No, no!" He's begging us, he's begging us, man. "No! Please! Don't!"

  [mimes firing a missile and makes an explosion noise] 

  Michael : And then I'd fly off to Cornwall and I'd just smash into the sea in a big ball of flames.

  [awkward silence] 

  Alan Partridge : [getting up to leave]  Sleep well, Michael. Um, who's Tom Donaldson?

  Michael : Oh, he's just a mate.

• Alan Partridge : Michael's in charge of our, er, internet computer.

  Michael : Aye. There's nae porn on it!

  Alan Partridge : [to Piet]  Did you understand that?

  Piet Morant : No.

  Alan Partridge : Good.

• Lynn Benfield : [to Alan, as Michael gets out a cigarette]  Do you want to tell Michael there's no smoking in the house?

  Alan Partridge : [to Michael]  Er, there's actually no smoking in the house.

  Michael : [to Alan]  Do you want to tell her whose hoose it is?

  Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  It's my house.

  Michael : [to Lynn]  If you've got owt to say, you can say it to me face.

  Lynn Benfield : It's a matter of hygiene.

  Alan Partridge : [arms up, coming between them]  Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Back off, seconds out, round one, ding ding! Ah, I'd never let that happen. He'd batter you.

• Alan Partridge : [about the Choristers country club]  The security is terrible. They'd probably even let someone like you in.

  Michael : That's ridiculous.

  Alan Partridge : I know. And the person who stole your front door.

• [Michael is staying at Alan's house, which is still under construction so he's on a garden chair instead of a bed] 

  Alan Partridge : Hello, Michael. Do you want to be on your own?

  Michael : Oh, no. No, fine, it's nice to have a bit of company, you know? Keep the demons at bay.

• [Alan is presenting his radio show. He plays a jingle] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded voice]  Alan's funny stories.

  Alan Partridge : Just time for one quick funny story before the news. On line 4 we have Roy from Bungay. Hello, Roy.

  Caller : Hello.

  Alan Partridge : Funny story, what is it?

  Caller : I sold this Makita cordless power drill in the local paper and then 6 months later I received the very same one back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack.

  Alan Partridge : I see. So you, uh... the present you gave away, you then got back?

  Caller : Yeah, that's it. Goodbye.

  [dial tone sound] 

  Alan Partridge : [laughs]  What a funny story.

  [he plays the jingle again] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded voice]  Alan's funny stories.

  Alan Partridge : That is a funny story.

  [he does a little laugh again. He looks at the clock on the wall, there's still 17 seconds to go before 12 o'clock. He does a bit of forced laughter again] 

  Alan Partridge : I wonder who got the power pack.

  [the clock still has 10 seconds to go, Alan watches it and continues to repeat the same forced laugh to fill the time] 

  Alan Partridge : [as the clock strikes 12 o'clock]  News.

• Alan Partridge : Can you imagine if we were the last two people on Earth, camped out up here?

  Michael : Cor, aye, yeah, hey, we'd, we'd have to breed.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I think I'd prefer to adopt. Men can these days.