I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Never Say Alan Again (2002)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge, America's Strongest Man Announcer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sonja : The Spy Who Loved Me is a brilliant film. It begin in forest in Germany...

  Alan Partridge : [irritated]  It's Austria! Austriaaa!

  Builder : What's the one where the laser beam goes up his jaffas?

  Alan Partridge : Goldfingerrr!

  Michael : What's the one with the, with the volcano, and it splits up and a big rocket comes oot, there's all chinkies dropping doon?

  Tex : Isn't that, er, Thunderball?

  Alan Partridge : No, no, no! No! Stop getting Bond wrong! I'll tell you about The Spy Who Loved Me. All do that with your fingers round your eye.

  [he uses his thumb and forefinger to make a circle and holds it up to his eye. The others do the same] 

  Alan Partridge : [imitates the James Bond gun barrel opening]  I'm Roger Moore. Bang! Blood dribbles down. We're on a submarine. Two sailors sit down and have a game of chess. Then the cups start wobbling and then a man who used to be in The Onedin Line comes in and goes "Why are the cups wobbling? What's going on?" And then... yeah, you can stop doing that now.

  [the others stop making circles round their eyes with their fingers] 

  Alan Partridge : And then he peers down the periscope thing and looks through it and goes, "Oh my God. The submarine's being eaten by a giant tanker." And then we cut to Moscow. And there's a man there and he's Russian, he's got eyebrows, you know, and he's on the phone going "What, a whole submarine? You're joking! I'm gonna have to tell some other Russians. See ya!" Right, and then, and then it cuts to James - Roger Moore - and er, yes, he's with a lady. Yeah, yeah. He's, he's necking with her. And he goes, "I've got to go, love. Something's come up."

  Michael : [giggles]  Aye, he means his cock!

  Alan Partridge : [getting increasingly animated]  Anyway, then he, he, he puts on his underpants and his ski suit and he gets on his skis and he starts skiing. And he's being chased by these Russian shits in black jumpsuits with lemon piping. And, er, he's just skiing along like that, and they start shooting at him, and he goes "Right, I've had enough of that! Just stop it!" And he turns round with his gun and then he does a backward somersault off this ramp and he lands on his feet, uh, I'm not sure why, but he's not showing off. And then, then he goes over a cliff and he's falling and you think, oh God, James Bond's going to die! He's going to die! But then at the last minute...

  Michael : He pulls a ripcord, right? And a, and a parachute comes oot and it's got a Union Jack on it...

  Alan Partridge : MICHAEL! MICHAEL!

  Michael : But that's how it ends!

  Alan Partridge : That's not the end of the beginning. The end of the beginning goes like this:

  [sings "Nobody Does It Better" and acts out the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : Glang! Glangalangalangalangalangalang! Glangalang, langalangala, nobody does it better - and I'm a naked woman in silhouette with a gun, spinning round - Makes me feel sad for the rest. Nobody does it - ooh, bit of nipple - quite as good as you. Baby, you're the best. Da, da, da - and now a really big bounce right over and I land on my feet. Da, da, da, da, daa. I wasn't looking and somehow you found me - ooh, bit of bush, er - I tried to hide from your love light - and a woman swinging on a Luger, a giant Luger, ooh, look at that - Like heaven above me - and now another naked woman walking along the top of a gun, completely Billy Bollocks - The spy who loved me is keeping all my secrets safe tonight - and then one more big swing from the woman, legs go right apart - ooh, what was that? Too late - Nobody does it half as good as you, baby you're the best!

  Sonja : [clapping]  Yes! Brilliant!

  [the others give Alan a round of applause] 

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, so, uh, do you want to hear some more?

  [cut to the others watching America's Strongest Man, while Alan childishly play-acts James Bond outside on his own] 

• Alan Partridge : Stop getting Bond wrong!

• Builder : I reckon I could do a bit of that Bond stuff.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. Unfortunately though, I don't think society is ready for "View t'Kill". "Eeeee, Octopussy"

  Builder : "Dr. Nowt".

• Alan Partridge : [to Sonja]  I love you, in a way.

• Alan Partridge : Have you taped over The Spy Who Loved Me with America's Strongest Man?

  Michael : [nervously getting up and sitting at a different place on the sofa away from Tex]  No, I haven't! It was Terry, I gave him the tape, he's done it, it's his fault!

  Tex : I'm really sorry, I... I-I-I-I, I really wanted to see America's Strongest Man.

  Alan Partridge : Well, now you've got Norfolk's maddest man!

• [Michael and Tex make truck horn noises and mime pulling a horn cord in a big American truck] 

  Alan Partridge : [notices that Tex used his right hand]  They're actually left hand drive, those lorries. So if you were doing that, you would just be grabbing photographs of your family. Or perhaps rosary beads, if you were driving up from Mexico.

• [in a graveyard] 

  Lynn Benfield : Snazzy headstone there.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. That's one of those eighties ones, isn't it? Black granite. It's a waste, really, because if you sliced that three-wise and laid it end-to-end, you'd have the lion's share of the work surface for a Poggenpohl kitchen. In fact, if a lot of these gravestones go missing, I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up as the work surfaces in luxury kitchens. They'd have to turn them upside down, of course, so that, you know, it didn't reveal the details of the dead, in recessed lettering, which would also collect crumbs.

• Michael : [talking about James Bond films]  Hey, I love the gadgets.

  [picks up a pen] 

  Michael : It's like, "Pay attention, Bond. Simply remove the top of this pen, jab it in somebody's eye and smash it in with your hand like that!"

  Alan Partridge : That's not a gadget, Michael. That's just monstrous use of a biro.

• Alan Partridge : Abso-bloody-exactly!

• Alan Partridge : You could be a Bond femme fatale, with your broken English. You're sexy, but I don't trust you!

  Sonja : James Bond doesn't live in a caravan.

  Alan Partridge : No, but this could be very easily be a compact Swiss chalet. About to be stormed by 15 bad bastards in boiler suits.

• Alan Partridge : [going through his James Bond videos]  Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. What's this doing here?

  Sonja : I got it for 90 p's in a brilliant charity shop called Scope.

  Alan Partridge : Scope. Why did they change the name and ruin it? Consignia and Scope, it's the Post Office and The Spastics Society!

• [clip at the end of title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : When they found him, he still had the remote control in his hand.

• Michael : Alan likes James Bond.

  Tex : Ah, you're a Bond guy, are you? My man's gotta be Wayne.

  Alan Partridge : What, Wayne Sleep?

  [indicates Tex's cowboy jacket with stringy bits] 

  Alan Partridge : It's just the jacket and the boots, you know.

  Tex : No, you know, Wayne. Uh...

  [does a John Wayne impression] 

  Tex : "Get off yer horse and drink yer milk."

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, yeah, Wayne Sleep.

• Alan Partridge : [after meeting Michael's friend Tex in the petrol station]  So, uh, how long's "Like a rhinestone cowboy" been coming in here?

  Michael : Well, aboot 18 month. No, 2 year. Aye, 2 year.

  Alan Partridge : Do you chat to any other men?

  Michael : Aye, including you, uh, 4 regulars, like.

  Alan Partridge : Michael, what the hell's going on?

  Michael : Well, it's just, you know, men who want someone to talk to, you know? They're just, they're just... lonely. Look, I cannet not talk to the customers, man. Look, what does it say on me badge? "Michael, I'm here to help"

  Alan Partridge : No, it doesn't, it just says "Michael".

  Michael : [looks at his name badge]  Oh, aye, it does.

  Alan Partridge : Why did you think it said the rest?

  Michael : I don't know. I must have dreamt it.

• Sonja : Can we finish writing the Bond schedule?

  Lynn Benfield : Oh, you've made allowances for the visit to my mother's grave?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, that's in the schedule. Visit to your mother's grave, then Dr. No. The underground base of an evil genius... and then Dr. No!

• Alan Partridge : Right, Sonja, let's sort this timetable out. 9am - Dr. No. Break for a pee. I need at least 3 minutes to urinate. Seems to take forever these days. I never thought, when I was in my twenties, I'd have to push.

  Sonja : [writing in a notebook]  Next?

  Alan Partridge : 11:05 - From Russia With Love. 1:15 - Goldfinger. Strawberry Nesquilk, fishcakes. 3:35 - Thunderball, dump, put question mark. See how I feel after the fishcakes.

  Sonja : How long?

  Alan Partridge : 20 minutes. Better allow for complications. 6:15 - You Only Live Twice. Tin of Director's. 8:20 - Diamonds Are Forever. Put the roast on as soon as you see the moon buggy.

  Sonja : You are very brilliant. This is a clever schedule.

  Alan Partridge : Thank you.

  [he pats her on the head] 

• Alan Partridge : I believe you're quite keen on the Bible.

  Gordon : I live by it.

  Alan Partridge : I was reading the book of Genesis the other day. I've got to say, that bloody snake!

  Gordon : Do you suppose, um, you'll be prone to temptation like Adam?

  Alan Partridge : I think I'd be more preoccupied by the fact that I was encountering a talking snake. I think whether I wanted an apple or not would be a side issue for me. I mean, even if it wasn't a talking snake, even if it just rolled an apple towards me and sort of went...

  [he nods in a suggestive way] 

  Alan Partridge : I think I'd still be troubled. After that I think I'd just, erm... put some trunks on and sit down on the grass.

• [on his radio show, Alan has asked his listeners which celebrity they would like to spend a bank holiday with and what would they do] 

  Caller : I'd like to go round Legoland with Sean Connery and then afterwards we'd go for a lovely lamb lunch in the centre of Windsor.

  Alan Partridge : Gotta say, Roy, I don't think that's Connery's cup of tea. I think Sean would rather do something like wander round the wildfowl park in Pepperstock with a

  [in a Scottish accent] 

  Alan Partridge : bottle o' scotch!

  Caller : I don't agree. He'd go to Legoland. Bye.

  [dial tone sound] 

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  Another cheeky chappie who's staring into the abyss of having to spend three days with *himself*, insomniac's boyfriend, David Clifton.

  Dave Clifton : Yeah, good evening to you, Alan. Actually, do you know what? I'm not so sure about that, Alan, because I'm going to be seeing a friend at the weekend.

  Alan Partridge : Uh-oh! Johnnie Walker or Jack Daniels?

  Dave Clifton : No.

  Alan Partridge : Glen Morangie?

• Tex : Walt Disney, now there's a guy who lived the American dream. Built a huge empire.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah? I thought he just drew pictures of mice. I prefer David Attenborough. At least he's more honest, you know, he interviews real mice.

• Lynn Benfield : [entering the caravan]  Hello.

  [Alan whirls around like James Bond in the gun-barrel opening] 

  Lynn Benfield : [mimes shooting him]  Bang, bang, bang, bang!

  Alan Partridge : You look like you quite enjoyed that.

  [Lynn mimes shooting a machine gun and makes the noise] 

  Alan Partridge : Was that a snub-nosed Uzi?

  Lynn Benfield : Yes, I think it was.

• Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  You're in a remarkably cheerful mood, considering it's the first anniversary of your mother's death.

• Sonja : If you make him take you to grave, we'll be late for film and then all work we did will be destroyed.

  Lynn Benfield : Can't you cut one of the less important films?

  Alan Partridge : Woah, woah-woah-woah-woah-woah, woah, woah! Woooah, woah-woah-woah-woah... Which are the less important Bond films, Lynn? I've got to hear this.

  Lynn Benfield : One of those Welsh ones.

  Alan Partridge : What, do you mean the Timothy Dalton ones?

  Lynn Benfield : Mmm.

  Alan Partridge : He didn't play it as a Welshman. He didn't say "The name's Bond..."

  [in a Welsh accent] 

  Alan Partridge : "Jones the Bond." "Double-O Theven" "Licence to Kill-chhh"

• Alan Partridge : [about Lynn's dead mother]  She's probably up there in heaven right now, complaining about, what did she used to call them? Brown people. I'll give her this, Lynn, she stuck to her guns with all that, right to the end. Even on the last day, the way she looked at that nurse... God rest her racist soul. She'd be horrified, I mean, Jesus was from the Middle East.

  Lynn Benfield : Was he? Jesus wasn't brown.

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, let's not have that discussion now.

• Builder : Well, the cement's dried now, Al, so I'll be off.

  Alan Partridge : No, wait, wait, wait, will you stay and watch a Bond film please?

  Builder : I can't, Al, I've got too much to do.

  Alan Partridge : Listen, I have been physically threatened by an ex-fuzz. If you hang around I will pay you. I mean, how much is a monkey?

  Builder : 500.

  Alan Partridge : How much is a mouse?

  Builder : There's no such amount. Pony's 150.

  Alan Partridge : Right, I'll give you 200. That's a pony and a bag of hooves.

• Alan Partridge : It's interesting, Michael, this obsession you have with American things, and yet you work for British Petroleum. I mean, hello!

  Michael : [confused]  Hello.

  Alan Partridge : No, it's a thing people say!