- Alan Partridge: [about Sonja's full English breakfast] I've made a few notes. Yes, uh... Bacon, 10 on 10. Button mushrooms, bingo. Black pudding, snap. Minor criticism, more distance between the eggs and the beans. I may want to mix them but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater. But I'm nit-picking, on the whole, a very good effort - 7 on 10. Let's make love.
- Alan Partridge: That was the best full English breakfast I've had since Gary Wilmot's wedding.
- Sonja: It was ruddy superb?
- Alan Partridge: Oh, yeah. I'd have that three times a day if I could, but I'd be dead!
- Sonja: It kill you?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, it's cholesterol. Scottish people eat it. Few of them make 60.
- Sonja: Alan, I buy you another present.
- Alan Partridge: What?
- Sonja: [holds up a toy car] It's a London love taxi. I have put my heart in back of taxi and tell driver to go to you.
- Alan Partridge: Aaah. Don't know what you're talking about.
- [he puts it in an cabinet full of other London touristy gifts]
- Alan Partridge: I'll just pop that up there with the others. Getting a bit crowded now. Like London. Which I spell S-H-I-T-H-O-L-E, shithole!
- Alan Partridge: [needs to talk to Lynn about Sonja, who is still in the caravan] Speak very quickly. She can't understand it.
- Alan Partridge: [Sonja has brought home a giant Beefeater teddy bear] Sonja, Beefeaters do not live in caravans! They live in the Tower of London and they are restaurants!
- Lynn Benfield: Have you decided what you're going to call the house?
- Alan Partridge: I've narrowed it down to "Lord House", "Ace House" and "The Cinnamons".
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show, about to play a song] Who's this beautiful blonde man with lovely voice? It's Annie Lennox.
- Alan Partridge: [clip at the end of the title sequence] Fat arms, big beards and that's just the men - women.
- Alan Partridge: Lynn, what do you think is Sonja's best feature?
- Lynn Benfield: Her hair?
- Alan Partridge: Nope.
- Lynn Benfield: Her neck?
- Alan Partridge: Try again.
- Lynn Benfield: Her eyes? Her eyelashes?
- Alan Partridge: [cuts her off] It's going to take forever, no - it's her feet. Lovely dainty feet. I don't like big feet. Reminds me of gammon.
- Lynn Benfield: You're completely ready for the Inland Revenue? Have you got all your receipts?
- Alan Partridge: Yes. Some are on a spike over there, you've got some in a fat envelope and the rest are in a shoe box which I threw off a ferry. That was a low point.
- Alan Partridge: [to two women from the Inland Revenue] Ah, wolves at the door! You'll huff and you'll puff and, uh... Where's the other one, where's the other pig?
- Alan Partridge: Do you want to go to prison? Do you? Do you want to go to prison?
- Sonja: You tell me prison is very cushy. Is like holiday camps.
- Alan Partridge: I was making a point about something else.
- [Sonja wants to go to Bono's house, who Alan claims he is friends with, so Alan has taken her to Blickling Hall, a stately home open to the public, and is telling her it's Bono's house]
- Sonja: [in the car park] Who are all these cars?
- Alan Partridge: These are all Bono's.
- Sonja: All these cars?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah. He's got the biggest collection of, uh, hatchbacks in the country.
- Alan Partridge: [about the Inland Revenue women who are paying a visit] Sonja, these are very important people.
- Sonja: [points at one of them] She wears no make-up!
- Michael: [about Sonja] Mind, she was sexy. You know? She wore a g-strap!
- Alan Partridge: Yes, well, that's for hygiene reasons too, it lets the buttocks breathe.
- [two women from Inland Revenue women are in Alan's caravan. He crouches behind a kitchen cabinet and holds up a teddy bear]
- Alan Partridge: [in a funny voice] Hello! My name's Graham. Erm, don't be horrible to Alan. He doesn't avoid tax, he only evades tax, no, it's other way round...
- [gets up and throws the teddy down]
- Alan Partridge: Oh, shut up!
- Alan Partridge: [Sonja has split up with Alan] I don't know what I'm gonna do, you know? We have it off all the time.
- Michael: Well, at least it'll be an end to all that London crap, eh? You know, all them Big Ben teddy bears and all that stuff. You hate London, eh?
- Alan Partridge: Yeah, oh, yeah, but there is an upside because all those small taxis and little Tower Bridges sometimes make me feel like a giant. In fact, one day, when Sonja went out, I arranged them all on the floor and I just marched around saying "Fee, fi, fo fum! I smell the blood of an ungrateful bunch of bastards."
- Alan Partridge: [presenting his radio show] That was Bill Withers, who, thank the Lord, is still with us.