Home Improvement (TV Series)

Ploys for Tots (1998)

Tim Allen: Tim Taylor

Quotes 

• Marty Taylor : I happen to want my kids to like me.

  Tim : You're their father, not their friend. You can't let them manipulate you like this.

  [dog toy squeaks] 

  Marty Taylor : Well, excuse me, but I happen to think

  [dog toy squeaks] 

  Marty Taylor : that you're the one who's being manipulated.

  Tim : What's that supposed to mean?

  Marty Taylor : Oh, come on. Your wife sent you down here to bite my head off

  [dog toy squeaking] 

  Marty Taylor : about something that you don't even believe.

  Tim : If you think for one minute I came down here 'cause of Jill, you're dead wrong. I'm my own man. I do my own bidding.

  Marty Taylor : Yeah? Well, I'm my own man

  [dog toy squeaks] 

  Marty Taylor : and I don't happen to agree with what your wife sent you down here to tell me.

  Tim : If you weren't such a thickhead, you'd realize she made a good point.

  [dog toy squeaks] 

  Tim : You know what else? This is a really annoying job.

• Bill : Thank you. When do I start the job?

  Tim : Job? We're just playing a game. There is no job.

  Bill : I took a whole day off for nothing? I assumed there was a job.

  Tim : Well, you know what happens when you assume.

  [Bill glowers at him] 

  Tim : Well, what happens is... Heidi is gonna tell you what you've won.

  Heidi : Uh... You won this key ring with a handy can opener. There you go.

  Tim : There you go.

  Bill : Yeah, that's gonna come in real handy 'cause I'm about to open up a can of whup-ass on the Tool Man!

• Gracie Taylor : [the girls get Spice Girls dolls for their birthday from Tim and Jill]  I got Posh Spice!

  Claire Taylor : [disappointed]  I got Sporty Spice. I want Posh Spice.

  Jill : But you love Sporty Spice. You were Sporty Spice for Halloween.

  Claire Taylor : I want Posh Spice!

  Gracie Taylor : But they gave me Posh Spice.

  Tim : Upstairs, I got some Old Spice.

• Marty Taylor : Jill, the girls' birthday cake is great. What's your secret?

  Jill : Gretchen's Bakery. It's that place with the flashing neon lederhosen.

  Tim : You know, I always thought Gretchen was selling something else there.

• Jill : Can you believe what Marty just did?

  Tim : No. Buying these bikes off the rack like this? These gear ratios and tires. You'll never get any speed out of these puppies.

  Jill : I'm not talking about the bikes. I'm talking about the way he's dealing with the girls.

  Tim : He's just trying to make her happy.

  Jill : Yeah. At her sister's expense. He's not doing Claire any favors by giving in to her. He's letting her just take control.

  Tim : This is none of our business.

  Jill : Yes, it is.

  Tim : No, it's not. We don't know anything about raising two girls.

  Jill : Excuse me, someone in this room was a girl once.

  Tim : That was years ago before the operation.

• Jill : Children need boundaries and Marty's not setting any. He lets them stay up as long as they want every night.

  Tim : Jill...

  Jill : He's not setting any limits on what kind of television they watch.

  Tim : He's doing the best job he can. He's going through a separation. For God's sake, the guy can't be with his girls on his birthday. He's counting Snausages.

• Claire Taylor : Daddy! Daddy!

  [runs over to Marty] 

  Marty Taylor : Claire, honey. What's wrong? Come here.

  Claire Taylor : Aunt Jill's being mean to me.

  Marty Taylor : Oh, sweetie, it's okay. What's going on?

  Tim : She wanted to ride her bike around the house and, uh... and Jill didn't think it was a good idea.

• Jill : [about Claire]  Marty, you're setting up a behavioral pattern where you give in to her every time she acts out.

  Marty Taylor : Oh, spare me the psychobabble. I know how to handle my kids.

  Jill : If you knew how to handle your kids, they'd know how to behave in our home.

  Tim : You know, ice cream is starting to sound real good right now.

  Jill : Look, Claire and Gracie need the security of knowing that there is a grown-up in control.

  Marty Taylor : That's okay. Just don't tell me how to raise my kids.

  Tim : How about Rocky Road?

• Jill : Unbelievable. I don't want them riding bikes in the house and I'm the bad guy? Thanks for bailing on me, Tim.

  Tim : I wasn't bailing on you. I was acting like a peacekeeper.

  Jill : They should have your kind of peacekeeping in the Middle East. Shooting starts, you send out for Chunky Monkey.

• Tim : Look, I know your kids are having a tough time with the separation, but you're letting them get away with murder, Marty.

  Marty Taylor : Hey, you're the one that told them they could ride their bikes around the house.

  Tim : That's because Claire pouted, I gave in, but you give in every time she snaps her fingers.

• Tim : [to Wilson]  Well, I'd rather go skiing in hell with you than stay in this house with my brother.

  Wilson Wilson, Jr. : Oh, I didn't think it was Marty who was doing all the screaming.

  Tim : No, it was Claire. That girl screams louder than Al's mom when you try to take away her pudding.