- Eva Mueller: [Being shown a picture of Sgt. Schultz] It should not be difficult, this one looks stupid.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Why not? He studied under Colonel Klink.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: [after being made a joke] Klink, you are the Kommandant here. Do you allow this sort of thing?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: That's a terrible thing to do.
- Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter: Do you consider this adequate punishment, Kom-man-dant?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Now, that's the worst blow of all.