Hey Arnold! (TV Series)

Helga on the Couch (1999)

Francesca Marie Smith: Helga Pataki

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Bliss : I'm hearing your anger again, Helga.

  Helga Pataki : Okay, so you hear my anger, so I get angry. I already told you that I've got a lame mom, a blowhard dad and a perfect sister. So they make me mad. Big deal!

  Dr. Bliss : So why do you take it out on Arnold?

  Helga Pataki : Why do you keep bringing up Arnold? I am not angry at Arnold.

  Dr. Bliss : Helga, I've seen you express more anger at him than anyone else.

  Helga Pataki : I don't know what you're talking about.

  Dr. Bliss : You know, Helga, if you feel like getting something off your chest, like how you feel about Arnold, now might be a pretty good time to do it. Anything you say will be kept in confidence, of course.

  Helga Pataki : Confidence?

  Dr. Bliss : It's my professional code not to tell what goes on here.

  Helga Pataki : You're sworn not to tell?

  Dr. Bliss : Of course, Helga.

  Helga Pataki : I mean, you're sworn, right? Even if you were tortured, you'd never tell?

  Dr. Bliss : I swear never to tell.

  Helga Pataki : You mean, so, like, if someone stuck your head in a cage with a starved, rabid rat, you'd still wouldn't tell?

  Dr. Bliss : Even then, Helga, I still wouldn't tell.

  Helga Pataki : Well... I...

  Dr. Bliss : You...?

  Helga Pataki : I... I love Arnold! There, I said it! I love him! I love him! Arnold, Arnold, Arnold! I'm absotively, posilutely in love with the boy! I wanna grow up and have a fabulous life traveling around the world with him, coffee in Paris, roses, sailboats, the whole nine yards! I wanna have a perfume named after us: Arnold and Helga! I love Arnold! Satisfied?

  Dr. Bliss : Now we're getting somewhere.

  Helga Pataki : And if you ever tell anyone, I'll rip your tongue out and wrap it around your neck!

  Dr. Bliss : Don't worry. You can trust me.

  Helga Pataki : [with a heavy sigh]  Man, that was building up for awhile.

• Dr. Bliss : [to Helga]  Okay. So, you love Arnold, and you're scared to tell him 'cause he might not love you back. Helga, this kind of thing happens every day, but you realize that you'll never know how he feels until you tell him.

  Helga Pataki : But I'm not ready to tell him.

  Dr. Bliss : You don't have to tell him now. You can do it when you're ready.

  Helga Pataki : You mean I can still keep it a secret?

  Dr. Bliss : Mmm-hmm.

  Helga Pataki : It's okay to be obsessed about him? You know, the shrines and stuff, the 3:00 AM vigils, the tantric spells?

  Dr. Bliss : As long as you're not hurting anyone, it sounds like an okay way to express yourself.

  Helga Pataki : So animal sacrifices are out.

  Dr. Bliss : Yes, I'm afraid so.

  Helga Pataki : So, it's okay to be Helga. I can go out there and yell and boss the other kids around, right?

  Dr. Bliss : Right.

  Helga Pataki : What about Brainy? Can I still sock him?

  Dr. Bliss : No. Don't sock Brainy. That's why you're here in the first place.

• Phoebe Heyerdahl : Ohayou gozaimasu, Helga.

  Helga Pataki : Ugh, no Japanese this morning, Phoebe. I have a headache.

  Phoebe Heyerdahl : Oh, okay. English.

• Helga Pataki : [When Helga is sent to Principal Wartz's office for hitting Brainy]  Okay, I hit him. So what?

  Principal Wartz : Miss Pataki, I don't need to remind you that striking another student is a direct violation of school policy.

  Helga Pataki : Brainy? He doesn't mind. I do it all the time.

  [Principal Wartz and Dr. Bliss exchange glances] 

  Helga Pataki : What? You'd sock him too if he was standing there behind you breathing.

• Big Bob Pataki : [to Helga]  We didn't have therapy when I was a kid.

  Helga Pataki : [scoffs]  That's obvious, Bob.

  Big Bob Pataki : I don't want you blabbing to some school shrink. We Patakis don't talk about things. Sweep 'em under the rug.

  Miriam Pataki : Some things are best swept under the rug, Helga.

• Helga Pataki : [as she looks at a painting on the wall of Dr. Bliss's office]  Nice picture. You like Edward Hopper?

  Dr. Bliss : I do.

  Helga Pataki : Yeah, he's okay. He's a little simple, though. And what's his deal with women, anyway?

  Dr. Bliss : That's pretty astute for a 4th grader.

• Dr. Bliss : [to Helga]  Your mom doesn't notice you?

  Helga Pataki : My mom? My mom wouldn't notice me if I was an alien pod-person chanting "Hare Krishna" and spitting nickels.

• Helga Pataki : [to Dr. Bliss]  So you're a child psychologist?

  Dr. Bliss : That's right.

  Helga Pataki : Does that mean you weren't good enough to be a grown-up psychologist?

  Dr. Bliss : No, it means I chose child psychology because I'm interested in helping children.

  Helga Pataki : Well, whoop-de-do for you, doc.