- Eddie: [at a Christmas tree lot] No, you don't. No. You. Don't. Sorry, folks. It's too late. We're closed.
- Man: Can't we just buy that last tree?
- Eddie: On Christmas Eve? Sorry, folks. You can't wait until now to get a tree, all right? This one has been promised to the Lieutenant Governor. That's right, and you better get out of here, because if he sees you eyeballing his tree... I'm just saying.
- Salesman: What's going on?
- Eddie: It's okay, Steve. I got this one.
- Salesman: My name is Warren. Who the hell are you?
- Eddie: Warren, it's 5:00. You're closed. Take the sign down.
- Salesman: I close at 6:00.
- Eddie: [after pause] I wanna talk to Steve.
- Young Sean: Dad, can I have an Evel Knievel stunt cycle for Christmas?
- Walt: No. You are not getting Evel Knievel. You're getting pants and a yo-yo. And you better act surprised!
- Eddie: [Back to present day] I remember that Christmas. I got a dictionary and a vest.
- Sean: At least you didn't get beaned with a yo-yo for not acting surprised.
- Eddie: Fortune favors the bold, my friend.
- [sees the Christmas tree in the hospital]
- Eddie: Bingo.
- James "Jimmy" Finnerty: That's a hospital!
- Eddie: And this is an emergency.
- Sean: [playing Joseph in the Christmas play] Behold! Can the people in the back behold? Can the people in the front please make room for those in the back who have difficulty beholding?