- Agent 66: Bad news, Chief. We intercepted a transmission and KAOS just contacted a well known assasin: the Turtle.
- Zach Smart: The Turtle?
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Ah, yes. The Turtle!
- Zach Smart: You've heard of him?
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Of course. Vicious, cold blooded. No wait a minute, that was the Poodle. Run over about four years ago chasing a car.
- Agent 66: He's called the Turtle because he's very illusive. He only comes out to kill.
- Zach Smart: How do you know so much about him?
- Agent 66: I dated his brother Leo.
- Agent 66: Maybe our information was wrong.
- Zach Smart: I sure hope so, 'cause if my mom get's assassinated, that would really ruin Christmas.
- Agent 9: Can you help me with my homework later, I got a math test tomorrow and these fractures are killing me.
- Zach Smart: Don't sweat it, Agent 9, three quarters of Americans don't understand fractions, the other half doesn't give a damn.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: [on speakerphone in office] But don't worry, son, at this very moment, a squadron of airforce jets is ready to bring your plane in safely.
- Zach Smart: [in pilots seat in cockpit] I don't see them.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Eh... would you believe two navy helicopters?
- Zach Smart: No, I don't see them either.
- Chief Maxwell Smart: How about sailor in a blimp waving a flashlight?
- Chief Maxwell Smart: Ok, Zach, you're problems are over. Carl the Control Contoller is here with his porta-control controller. What kind of a name is that?
- Carl the Control Controller: Well, my father was named Carl, his father was named Carl, I have a sister named Carla. Then there's my uncle...