Get Smart (TV Series)
Survival of the Fattest (1965)
Don Adams: Maxwell Smart
Photos
Quotes
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Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : You have become a nuisance, Mr. Smart, and you know what I do with nuisances?
Maxwell Smart : You ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Wrong.
Maxwell Smart : Wrong. You don't ignore them and hope they'll go away?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Wrong.
Maxwell Smart : Wrong again.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : I dispose of them once and for all.
Maxwell Smart : That was my next guess.
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Agent #1 : [Max is being slapped around by the Control grill team] Agent 86, you must remember something...
Maxwell Smart : [exasperated] Water... water... I gotta have some water.
Chief : Here Max, this'll help
[as the Chief hands him a glass of water, Max knocks it out of the Chief's hand]
Maxwell Smart : Don't give me any water, Chief! How do you expect me to break down and talk?
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Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Thank you, eh, mister...
Maxwell Smart : Oh, I'm sorry.
[takes out a calling card]
Maxwell Smart : Bill Banford, president of the Ramid American Oil Company.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : I've seen Mr. Banford. He's a tall, sixty year old man with grey hair, he was a guest in our hotel once.
Maxwell Smart : Oh.
[takes out another card]
Maxwell Smart : Well how about Fred Lamister, munitions.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : I think I've seen him.
Maxwell Smart : Oh.
[picks another card]
Maxwell Smart : Harry Schlerb, toy manufacturer?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Well...
Maxwell Smart : Mervin Gribbs, calling card manufacturer?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : I've never met the man.
Maxwell Smart : Ah!
[picks up his glass]
Maxwell Smart : Then meet Mervin Gribbs.
[they clink]
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Maxwell Smart : The old finger in the gun trick. That's the second time I've used it this month.
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Chief : Mary 'Jack' Armstrong, the strongest female counter spy in the world. Max, you've got to be especially carefull, she is gorgeous and deadly.
Maxwell Smart : [with emphasis] So... am I.
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Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : I've often wondered who painted that picture on the wall behind you. I've never been able to make out the signature.
Maxwell Smart : What picture?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : There.
[when Max turns around, Mary switches the glasses]
Maxwell Smart : Well I'm not quite sure, but I think it probably was the same artist that painted that picture over there in the corner.
[when she turns around, Max switches the glasses back]
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Clever of you to notice. Then he probably was the same artist who's responsible for that picture over the desk.
Maxwell Smart : What picture?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : That one.
Maxwell Smart : Do I have to look?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Yes.
[when Max turns around, Mary pretends to switch the glasses]
Maxwell Smart : Is it my turn?
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Maxwell Smart : And don't worry about a thing. I don't need any more help on this case than I did on my last case.
Chief : Parker, how many men do we have?
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Chief : Max?
Maxwell Smart : Yes, Chief.
Chief : What's going on? Are you all right?
Maxwell Smart : Well, I'm fine, Chief. You know me, never any problems.
Chief : [to Parker] He must be in trouble.
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Maxwell Smart : Listen, Chief. I don't know what we're gonna do with Mary Jack. There's no prison built that can hold her. She's the strongest, toughest, most vicious opponent I've ever faced in my entire life.
Chief : Hello Mary.
Maxwell Smart : Mary?
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Hello Thaddeus.
Chief : Um, I'm the Chief now.
Mary 'Jack' Armstrong : Oh well that's wonderful! I didn't know you had been promoted.
Chief : Well, of course we couldn't publish it. I tried to write to you, but, well, the only address I had was Care of KAOS.
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Chief : Oh, incidentally, the Prince sent you a gift in appreciation of your services to him and to his country
Maxwell Smart : Well, that's very nice of the Prince, Chief.
Chief : Well now, Max, you know the policy of CONTROL on things like that. CONTROL agents are not allowed to accept gratuities.
Maxwell Smart : I know that, Chief. Don't worry, I'll send it back tomorrow.
[the office door opens and a belly dancer dances in]
Maxwell Smart : Would you believe the day after tomorrow?