- Senator: Mr. Smart, how many arrests did Control make last year?
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
- Senator: Who's the number one man in your organization?
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
- Senator: How many cases were assigned to Control last year?
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know.
- Senator: What would you do if you were fired, Mr. Smart?
- Maxwell Smart: They can't fire me.
- Senator: And why not?
- Maxwell Smart: I know too much.
- Maxwell Smart: [Max's car has just been repossessed] Oh, one thing: be careful of the machine gun in the exhaust pipe. It's been backfiring lately.
- Finance Man: Machine gun in the exhaust pipe, right.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, another thing: don't remove the radiator cap. It sprays a poisonous gas.
- Finance Man: Poisonous gas from radiator. Right.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh, one last thing: don't use the cigarette lighter. It's a hand grenade.
- Finance Man: Lighter is a hand grenade. Right... you've got a dangerous car there.
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know why you say that, it's got seatbelts.
- Chief: Larabee?
- Larabee: Yes sir?
- Chief: I want an appointment with Senator Palmer. Call him.
- Larabee: On what? they took my phone away too.
- Chief: Well don't just stand there, call him from the candy store on the corner.
- Larabee: Yes sir.
- [turns to go, then changes his mind]
- Larabee: Chief, you got a dime on you?
- Maxwell Smart: [disguised as an old man] All right, Siegfried, what's the deal?
- Siegfried: [disguised as an old lady] Schmart, KAOS is a growing organisation. And you'll be working with a great bunch of boys.
- Maxwell Smart: I don't know, Siegfried, I've heard there not all as rotten as the pretend to be.
- Siegfried: Not as rotten? Are you kidding? They are all former grease masters, disc jockeys, used car salesmen, TV repairmen und politicians.
- Siegfried: What are you doing here? You should be studying for tomorrow's exam.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh yes of course. Well, you see, Siegfried, I thought it would be a lot easier to study for tomorrow's exam if I had a copy of it tonight.
- Siegfried: Excellent! All ze world loves a cheat. Forget the exam, you just passed it.