- Chief: [looking at slide # 4, a deceased Agent 85 aboard the Orient Express] Your conclusion, 86?
- Maxwell Smart: Suicide, Chief.
- Chief: Suicide?
- 99: But Max, he was gassed!
- Maxwell Smart: Well, I don't know anything about his drinking habbits 99, but there's a suicide note on the floor.
- Chief: That's his ticket.
- 99: [looking at slide # 5, a blond in a bikini] Who is that?
- Maxwell Smart: George Robinson, Kaos agent, Hawaiian branch.
- 99: Fabulous disguise.
- Maxwell Smart: I saw through it in only one minute. Would you believe it? One minute.
- 99: I find that very difficult to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe... two minutes?
- 99: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart: How about our fourth date?
- Maxwell Smart: I had to destroy the first message. Do you have a copy?
- Agent 44: Well you know 86, secret message paper doesn't grow on trees...
- Train Conductor: Passports, please. Passports. We are now entering Liechtenstein.
- [Smart hands the conductor his passport. The conductor stamps it, and leaves]
- Train Conductor: [seconds later, the conductor returns] Passports, please. Passports. We are now leaving Liechtenstein.
- Maxwell Smart: Krochanska made a try for the briefcase.
- 99: Then you know who Krochanska is.
- Maxwell Smart: I'm almost positive, 99.
- 99: Who, Max?
- Maxwell Smart: It's somebody on this train.
- 99: Yes, but who?
- Maxwell Smart: The countess. Would you believe it? That lovely countess.
- 99: I find that very hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: The porter?
- 99: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart: The conductor.
- 99: No.
- Maxwell Smart: The engineer.
- 99: Uh-uh.
- Maxwell Smart: How about the dog?
- 99: Max!
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.
- Chief: Now this briefcase must be gotten to B12 somewhere in the Balkans.
- Maxwell Smart: Why it's beautiful, Chief, and it's real leather too. Do you think he'll like it.
- 99: Max, it contains a half million dollars.
- Maxwell Smart: He'll love it.
- Maxwell Smart: Oh yes, I remember now, a wrong key in this lock will set off an electrical charge of 5000 volts.
- Dr. Minelli: And of course, the noise will bring help running.
- Maxwell Smart: What noise?
- Dr. Minelli: Your screams.
- Agent 44: You know everything costs so much today. Guns and knives are expensive, poison is up, strangling wire is 6.80 a yard.
- The Countess: [holds up a bottle of wine] Bouchelet, 1957.
- Maxwell Smart: [holds up his paper cup] Dixie cup, 1965.
- Ernst: [having been stabbed in the back] Afraid I'm going to pack it in, old man.
- [slumps]
- Maxwell Smart: [shakes his shoulder] I say...
- Ernst: [looks up] Hmm?
- Maxwell Smart: Who is Krochanska?
- Ernst: Don't think I'll live long enough to say... pity.
- [packs it in]
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, I'm sorry about this mess, conductor.
- Train Conductor: It happens all the time on the Orient Express. You think this is bad, you should see compartment 13.
- Maxwell Smart: Remarkable thing about that dog, Chief. He was trained as a double agent, practiced thief, and a natural killer.
- Chief: What happened to him?
- Maxwell Smart: He was adopted by a nice family.
- 99: Lots of kids.