Friends (TV Series)

The One Where No One's Ready (1996)

Matthew Perry: Chandler Bing

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chandler : You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

• Joey : Where's my underwear?

  Ross : Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?

  Chandler : He took my essence.

  Ross : Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?

  Joey : Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.

  Ross : Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?

  Joey : It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

• Joey : All right, they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.

  [takes a glass from the fridge] 

  Chandler : Taste it.

  Joey : [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge]  Yep, it's fat. I drank fat.

  Chandler : Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

• [Chandler fights with Joey over a chair] 

  Chandler : All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.

  [sits on Joey's lap] 

  Chandler : I'm soooo comfortable.

  Joey : Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

  Chandler : All right.

  [jumps up] 

• [Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel] 

  Ross : Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.

  Rachel : Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.

  Ross : Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.

  Rachel : Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.

  [Rachel returns to her room] 

  Chandler : We used them as pillows when we went camping.

  Ross : What?

  Chandler : [shyly]  The sheep.

  Ross : Hey, what you do on your own time...

• Chandler : All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."

  Joey : Okay.

  [He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave] 

  Chandler : What are you doing?

  Joey : You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.

  Chandler : The cushions are the essence of the chair.

  Joey : THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE.

  Chandler : Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

• Joey : Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.

  Chandler : Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!

  Joey : Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!

  Chandler : Ugh UGH!

  Joey : Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!

• Chandler : [after seeing Phoebe physically tear a phone out of Monica's hands]  Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

• Phoebe : Rachel didn't have anything that I liked, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'

  Chandler : What are you supporting?

  Phoebe : Duh. Christmas.

• Chandler : [entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo]  All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

• Chandler : [to Joey]  You know what? OK. Fine. Don't get up. You just sit right there. I hope you don't mind you know, my hand... right here!

  [Chandler puts his hand right in front of Joey's face, annoying him] 

  Joey : Oh!

  Chandler : [moves his hand back and forth while mocking Joey]  Oh, not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad! Not touching! Can't get mad!

  [Joey gets mad and flicks some of his hummus at Chandler, but it misses and lands on Phoebe's dress] 

  Phoebe : [gets up]  Oh my god! You rotten boys!

  [the guys back away] 

  Chandler , Joey : Sorry Phoebe.

  Joey : I'm so sorry.

  Phoebe : [frantically examines the stain]  What am I gonna do?

  Ross : No! No! Don't-don't rub it! Don't! What gets out hummus? What gets out hummus?

  [as he speaks, Ross claps his hands and Monica enters the room] 

  Phoebe : [cries]  Monica! Monica! You know what gets out hummus?

  Monica Geller : [pauses]  If it *is* a new message, what is he calling to say?

  Phoebe : [sarcastically]  OK. Thanks. Yeah, I'll try that!

• [after Ross's message, Monica's answering machine beeps twice] 

  Dr. Richard Burke : [on the answering machine]  Monica, it's Richard. Call me.

  [Monica looks startled and all the friends look at her] 

  Monica Geller : [emotionally]  I-is, is that message old or new?

  [no one says anything] 

  Monica Geller : [shouts]  OLD OR NEW? OLD OR NEW?

  Ross : [goes over to Monica as the other friends jump]  It's old. It's *definitely* old. Didn't you-you hear the double beep?

  Monica Geller : [frantic]  Well, what if it's new? I mean, we agreed not to talk! He could have something really important to say. Shouldn't I call him back?

  Chandler : Honey, you did call him back 'cause it's... it's really old.

  Ross : [comforts Monica]  Yeah. See, Mon' listen. Listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing and you know what I did?

  Monica Geller : [emotionally]  Huh?

  Ross : [assuring]  I got dressed.

  [Ross kindly ushers Monica and Rachel into their rooms]