Frasier (TV Series)

To Kill a Talking Bird (1997)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [as Martin is duct-taping his chair]  Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this atrocity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.

  Martin : You know, I keep havin' this dream where you say the same words... only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Dad, that will never happen.

  Martin : Thank you.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I have medical power of attorney it won't cost me a thing.

• [Niles drops by with his dog] 

  Niles : Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...

  Martin : Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Referring to the building Niles wants to move into]  I'm going to go out on a limb here: the Montana doesn't accept pets, does it?

  Niles : On the contrary, they welcome them. Just not cats or dogs.

  Martin : [Holding Niles' dog]  Well, then you're in luck, 'cause I don't know what the hell this thing is.

• Niles : And we conclude our little tour back here in the living room.

  Daphne Moon : It's very posh.

  Martin : Niles, why a bed in the living room?

  Niles : That's not a bed, dad. It's an antique fainting couch.

  Daphne Moon : My goodness, they had furniture for everything back then, didn't they!

• Niles : Follow me, there's someone I'd like you to meet. It was love at first sight! She's very exotic, only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue!

  Martin : [to Frasier and Daphne]  Wow, I'm getting nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

• Daphne Moon : Oh dear, your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.

  Martin : Where?

  [spots it] 

  Martin : Oh! Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you?

  [Daphne throws him a large roll of duct tape] 

  Martin : Thanks.

• Martin : Niles, you gotta see this, your bird's eating peanut butter! It's even funnier than when Eddie does it!

• Daphne Moon : That's a lovely building. I've only been there once, applying for a job.

  Niles : I can't imagine anyone turning down a chance to hire you.

  Daphne Moon : I hope you're right, I haven't heard yet. Well, goodnight!

  Martin : [She leaves to her bedroom. The three Crane men look unsettled]  Hey, Frasier, you don't...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just relax, Dad. It's just her way of angling for more vacation time.

  Martin : What if she isn't?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, they'd still have to call me for a reference. Either way, she's not going anywhere.