Family Guy (TV Series)

Dammit Janet (2000)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Airplane Passenger, Airplane Pilot, Nikita Khruschev, Cat in the Hat, Steward, Arabic Passenger, Kurt Cobain, Manager

Photos 

Quotes 

• Stewie Griffin : Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? Of course not. You're living the clean life now.

• Lois Griffin : I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.

  Brian Griffin : We could get hammered.

• Janet : Hi. Cookie?

  Stewie Griffin : Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.

  [wiggles his tongue like a snake] 

• Stewie Griffin : Jeffrey. Take the 9pm to Houndslow out of your mouth.

• Lois Griffin : Uh, Well, this is just great! How the Hell are we supposed to get home?

  Peter Griffin : Look, all we got to do is to get some fake passports on the black market.

  Lois Griffin : Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, that's what you said about that back-alley-abortionist! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you changed your mind, the point is I *found* the guy.

• Peter Griffin : Woah, woah, woah, woah! Wait a second! You're telling me, I flew all the way to Kentucky, to get some of your fried chicken, and... and the Colonel isn't even working today?

  KFC Employee : He ain't here, he dead.

  Peter Griffin : [Mishears Dead as Did]  What?

  KFC Employee : I say he dead

  Peter Griffin : Is Mr. Sanders in?

  KFC Employee : What wrong wit you? I say you he dead!

  Peter Griffin : [Stares for a brief moment then shouts]  THE COLONEL!

• Meg Griffin : Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.

  [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

• Peter Griffin : All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.

  [high-pitched voice] 

  Peter Griffin : I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.

• Peter Griffin : What if Kurt Cobain had quit?

  [Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert] 

  Kurt Cobain : Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!

  Agent : Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.

  Kurt Cobain : Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?

  Agent : Who?

  [Courtney Love looks down and grimaces] 

• Lois Griffin : Stewie needs to learn how to socialize with other children. Maybe we should put him in daycare.

  Peter Griffin : Lois, his answers are out on the open road. I say we give him a hobo pack on the end of a stick, a can of beans, and a pocketful of dreams.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, do you even know which one of our children I'm talking about?

  Peter Griffin : [Awkward pause]  Gordon?

• Stewie Griffin : Jeffrey, take the 9pm to Houndslow out of your mouth.

• Stewie Griffin : Why, you soulless witch! This is a biogenetic experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

• Peter Griffin : A job? Lois, the seventies are over. Forget it.

• Glenn Quagmire : Hey, if Lois is lookin' for a thrill, I can get her a job at the airline. Stewardesses get to travel to all kinds of exotic places and their husbands fly anywhere for free.

  Peter Griffin : Fly for free? Sorry, Tink, it looks like I don't need you anymore.

  Tinker Bell : So what, you're just gonna dump me? Just like that?

  Peter Griffin : You knew what this was.

• Stewie Griffin : Look at her, Leonard, sitting there with her curly ebony locks and those pouty come hither lips. My gawd, she's unappealing.

• Stewie Griffin : Leonard, you puffy faced applejohn, I will not be made a fool of.

• Lois Griffin : I took this job for excitement, and you're the one who's having it all.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, it's excitement you want, huh? How would you like to join the mile high club? C'mon, you be the stewardess and I'll be the mysterious stranger who's drillin' ya.