- Duckman: This is where it happened Cornfed. This is where it all started to go very wrong.
- Cornfed: You mean by leaving an old lady unattended in the car while going in to get two baked buns with the keys in the ignition and the engine idling?
- Duckman: Shows what you know. They were steamed buns. Now if we can just get to the task at hand.
- [taking Gecko out of a bag]
- Duckman: Okay Geko it's time to earn your Christmas bowl of water. Here's a piece of Grandma-ma's dress reeking of her tangy bouquet. He's got the scent Corny. Let's go!
- Duckman: [Duckman shops for a casket for Grandmama] Top of the morning to ya! I'm looking for something in the affordable range, maybe a buy the cardboard, build-it-yourself kind of thing, or some sort of group discount, maybe cut us a deal if we bury her with a busload of Shriners that went off a cliff or something.
- [he recognizes Tetzloff]
- Duckman: Hey, I know you, you sold me that home security system! It almost killed my whole family!
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: "Almost" doesn't do me a lot of good here, now does it? Ha ha ha ha! Tetzloff, Terry Duke Tetzloff, and I'm onto new horizons, Mr. Duckman, due to a valuable lesson I've learned about today's world. There is no security anymore, only all kinds of ugly, painful, and *completely* random ways to die. Well, enough shop talk: back to your grief, and what you're willing to spend on it.
- Duckman: Now, listen, normally I wouldn't cheap out on something as public as a funeral.
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Excellent! Most people think how much they spend on someone's funeral shows the rest of the world how much they loved the deceased when they were still alive.
- Duckman: They do?
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Absolutely! Of course, those people are afraid they could never live down a lifetime of shabby treatment, which perhaps may have even been somehow responsible for the person's death!
- Duckman: [nervously clears his throat] Eh, heh heh heh... losers. So, eh... just out of morbid curiosity, is there something you show those people
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: [he opens a curtain, with angelic music playing, revealing a coffin special] Death Rest Deluxe: an entire package including flowers, candles, a complete makeover for the corpse at Rodan's at Beverly Hills, a short whimsical film on the dearly departed's life done in Emmy award-winning claymation, and an appearance by a dignitary, this month's special being Andy Rooney for an extra $20,000; $30,000 if you don't want him to speak.
- Duckman: Can we do any better on the price of the speaker?
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Well, for 58 bucks plus bus fare, you can get Joe Piscopo.
- Duckman: Done and done! I'll take the works, but only if you throw in one of those neat little refrigerator magnets shaped like a coffin!
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Hah, you're too shrewd for me, Mr. Duckman.
- [pulls out a contract]
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Spend in peace.
- Duckman: [enters whistling jauntily, but notices everyone giving him a death stare] Oh, that's great! Why don't we all just sit around and point fingers at one another trying desperately to figure out who's to blame?
- Cornfed, Bernice, Ajax, Charles (Character), Mambo: *YOU'RE* TO BLAME!
- Duckman: OK, that was fun, though I was thinking you'd take a tad longer.
- Duckman: She... loved me. Grandma-ma loved me. But now she's gone.
- [realizes the funeral is over and replaced with an arcade]
- Duckman: What the hell?
- Terry Duke Tetzloff: Sorry, hated to wake you from your reverie, you've been standing there for almost an hour. Heh heh heh! It turns out you need a license to run a funeral home, so I set up this video arcade instead. You'll have to leave now, you're scaring the children!
- Cornfed singing: [singing at the funeral] Let one go/Sweet Grandma-ma/you're gassin' in Heaven right now/Let one go/Sweet Grandma-ma/you're gassin' in Heaven and how!
- Duckman: [spoiler]
- [reluctantly talking at Grandmama's funeral, shifting to a flashback]
- Duckman: Well, okay... I guess I can talk about... the time at my wedding. It was, of course, a beautiful day. I was the epitome of class and distinction.
- [in the flashback, Duckman drunkenly dances foolishly at his wedding]
- Duckman: Lord have mercy! Good gawd, y'all! Let's here get up and down by doing the funky duckman! You let your down down! You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh! You thrust your pelvis, huh! Then Grandma-ma came over and whispered the strangest thing in my ear. She said eat more cheese. I didn't know what she meant so I continued my unique Bob Fosse-like styling.
- [he continues thrusting his pelvis and chanting, and the flashback ends]
- Duckman: Wait a second, Grandma-ma didn't say eat more cheese, she said something just like it, it's easy to see how I could have confused the two.
- Grandmama: [the flashback continues] Duckman, even though almost everyone else sees you as just psychotic street urchin, you're not fooling me. This horribly obnoxious act of yours is merely a defense. Deep down, you feel you're not deserving of anyone's love. Well, you're wrong. Welcome to our family, Duckman. You are loved.