Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (TV Series)

Grandma-ma's Flatulent Adventure (1996)

John Astin: Terry Duke Tetzloff

Quotes 

• Duckman : [Duckman shops for a casket for Grandmama]  Top of the morning to ya! I'm looking for something in the affordable range, maybe a buy the cardboard, build-it-yourself kind of thing, or some sort of group discount, maybe cut us a deal if we bury her with a busload of Shriners that went off a cliff or something.

  [he recognizes Tetzloff] 

  Duckman : Hey, I know you, you sold me that home security system! It almost killed my whole family!

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : "Almost" doesn't do me a lot of good here, now does it? Ha ha ha ha! Tetzloff, Terry Duke Tetzloff, and I'm onto new horizons, Mr. Duckman, due to a valuable lesson I've learned about today's world. There is no security anymore, only all kinds of ugly, painful, and *completely* random ways to die. Well, enough shop talk: back to your grief, and what you're willing to spend on it.

  Duckman : Now, listen, normally I wouldn't cheap out on something as public as a funeral.

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Excellent! Most people think how much they spend on someone's funeral shows the rest of the world how much they loved the deceased when they were still alive.

  Duckman : They do?

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Absolutely! Of course, those people are afraid they could never live down a lifetime of shabby treatment, which perhaps may have even been somehow responsible for the person's death!

  Duckman : [nervously clears his throat]  Eh, heh heh heh... losers. So, eh... just out of morbid curiosity, is there something you show those people

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : [he opens a curtain, with angelic music playing, revealing a coffin special]  Death Rest Deluxe: an entire package including flowers, candles, a complete makeover for the corpse at Rodan's at Beverly Hills, a short whimsical film on the dearly departed's life done in Emmy award-winning claymation, and an appearance by a dignitary, this month's special being Andy Rooney for an extra $20,000; $30,000 if you don't want him to speak.

  Duckman : Can we do any better on the price of the speaker?

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Well, for 58 bucks plus bus fare, you can get Joe Piscopo.

  Duckman : Done and done! I'll take the works, but only if you throw in one of those neat little refrigerator magnets shaped like a coffin!

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Hah, you're too shrewd for me, Mr. Duckman.

  [pulls out a contract] 

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Spend in peace.

• Duckman : She... loved me. Grandma-ma loved me. But now she's gone.

  [realizes the funeral is over and replaced with an arcade] 

  Duckman : What the hell?

  Terry Duke Tetzloff : Sorry, hated to wake you from your reverie, you've been standing there for almost an hour. Heh heh heh! It turns out you need a license to run a funeral home, so I set up this video arcade instead. You'll have to leave now, you're scaring the children!