The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Who Stole My Watch (1966)

Dick Van Dyke: Rob Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rob Petrie : Yeah, we can't find it. We turned that house inside out.

  Buddy Sorrell : Boy, I hope it don't rain.

• Rob Petrie : You know, I'm... I'm beginning to get a little angry.

  Laura Petrie : So am I. Millie and Jerry certainly ought to know we don't suspect them.

  Rob Petrie : Well, Buddy and Sally and Mel should know we don't suspect them. They also should know we don't think they took it.

  Laura Petrie : Then who took it?

  Rob Petrie : I don't know, but one of 'em did.

• [last lines] 

  Buddy Sorrell : Boy, if I'd had known a watch was *that* neat, I'd have stolen it myself.

  Rob Petrie : Hold it. 58, 59, 60! It's Tuesday in Bangkok.

  Jerry Helper : Big deal!

  Laura Petrie : It'll be Tuesday here before Sally arrives.

  Millie Helper : Yeah, where is she? I'm starved.

  Rob Petrie : Well, she said she had a surprise. She didn't want to come until she was sure everyone was here.

  Buddy Sorrell : I'm here, I'm here. I'm getting ready to leave already.

  Mel Cooley : I love it when he says things like that.

  Rob Petrie : [the doorbell rings]  There she is.

  Millie Helper : Yay!

  Jerry Helper : It's about time.

  Mel Cooley : Where so you suppose she's been?

  Buddy Sorrell : I have no idea.

  Jerry Helper : Hey, where you been?

  Laura Petrie : Come on in.

  Sally Rogers : Wait, are you ready for the big surprise? I want you to meet my new date.

  [Mr. Evans enters] 

  Buddy Sorrell : Hey, what a dip.

  Rob Petrie : Sal, I'm glad you brought him here. Let's get him.

  [everyone lunges at Mr. Evans] 

• Laura Petrie : Oh, those are pretty wild slippers.

  Rob Petrie : Wild, honey? They're still alive. Listen.

  [makes fast movements with his reet] 

  Laura Petrie : Judging by debris, I'd say we had a very successful party.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah. Boy, what presents. This is even better than our wedding.

  Laura Petrie : What are you talking about? We got great presents at our wedding.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah, but all these presents are mine.

  [imitates a samurai] 

  Rob Petrie : Ha!

  Laura Petrie : Would you tell me why in the world Buddy gave you a samurai sword?

  Rob Petrie : Honey, Buddy shops at the war surplus store. It was either this or green underwear.

  Laura Petrie : What are you going to do with it?

  Rob Petrie : Well, I figure if I run out of blades, you know...

  [moves the sword in a shaving-like notion] 

  Laura Petrie : Why don't you see if you can trade it in for green underwear?

  Rob Petrie : Yeah.

  Laura Petrie : You really did get some nice presents.

  Rob Petrie : Yeah.

  Laura Petrie : What was your favorite present?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, I think the stuffed cabbage Millie's mother sent.

  Laura Petrie : Oh!

  Rob Petrie : Oh, alright, honey, you know I liked the watch the best.

  Laura Petrie : Are you sure?

  Rob Petrie : Well, of course I'm sure. What a ridiculous question.

  Laura Petrie : Well, I mean, you hardly tried it on.

  Rob Petrie : Yes, I did, honey. The wristband was a little too loose, that's all. It kept sliding off my wrist.

  Laura Petrie : Oh. Well, it's adjustable, isn't it?

  Rob Petrie : Yeah. I need to take a couple of links out of it, that's all. I'll probably do it myself.

  Laura Petrie : No, don't, Rob, I don't want you to break it. Why don't you let a jeweler do it?

  Rob Petrie : It must be a pretty expensive watch with all those dials and dates and everything.

  Laura Petrie : Well, you deserve it.

  Rob Petrie : Hey, I'm gonna get it. It's almost midnight. We can watch it go from Thursday to Friday.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, Rob, I knew you'd love that watch the minute I saw it. It tells the day of the week, the minute, the second. It tells the hour. It tells everything.

  Rob Petrie : Wish it could tell us where it was.

  Laura Petrie : What?

  Rob Petrie : It's gone.

• Rob Petrie : Well, I'm sorry, Buddy. The minute I missed my watch, I thought of you.

  Buddy Sorrell : That's funny. The minute I miss my bus, I don't think of YOU.

• Mel Cooley : Rob, you mean, you think *I* took your watch?

  Rob Petrie : Oh, no, Buddy just...

  Mel Cooley : WHY, YOU VICIOUS LITTLE BEAST!

  Buddy Sorrell : Boy, you're beautiful when you're mad.

  Rob Petrie : Hold it, hold it, will you, guys? Will you? I do not suspect any of you taking my watch. If I've given you that impression, then I'm sorry.

  Mel Cooley : Oh, very well, but don't overlook the possibility of *that*!

  Buddy Sorrell : YOU THINK I'M A CROOK?

  Mel Cooley : THAT IS PROBABLY THE *NICEST* THING I'VE EVER THOUGHT OF YOU!

  [leaves the office in a rage, slamming the door behind him] 

  Sally Rogers : Boy, is he mad.

  Buddy Sorrell : Yeah, his scalp was standing on end.

• Mr. Evans : You know, this reminds me of a case I once handled where a woman had purchased some luggage for her husband at a discount house. They reported it stolen and tried to collect the full retail price.

  Rob Petrie : So?

  Mr. Evans : So it turned out it wasn't really stolen, but we got the real truth out of them after a while.

  Rob Petrie : Uh, Mr. Evans, why would this remind you of that?

  Mr. Evans : I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

• Laura Petrie : Hi!

  Millie Helper : I'm returning all the things I ever borrowed from you so you won't start saying I stole them.

  Laura Petrie : Millie, nobody ever said you stole anything.

  Millie Helper : Yeah, well, that guy Evans didn't come over to try a glass slipper on me.

  Laura Petrie : Evans was at your house?

  Millie Helper : Boy, I've never been so humiliated in my entire life.

  Laura Petrie : Millie, believe me, Rob and I told Mr. Evans that you couldn't possibly have done it.

  Millie Helper : What a third degree. You'd think I'd stolen some government secrets instead of Rob's watch. That's not what I mean.

  Laura Petrie : I know that.

  Millie Helper : Well, just the same, I want you to take all these things back.

  Laura Petrie : Millie, will you stop it?

  Millie Helper : No, you check them over. If that guy Evans comes over with a search warrant, I don't want him seeing your things in my house.

  [referring to a shoe] 

  Millie Helper : Uh, the dog chewed up the other one, and I'll get you a new pair. You look them over.

  Laura Petrie : Millie, I will do no such thing.

  Millie Helper : No, look them over. I don't want anybody saying I have something that doesn't belong to me.

  Laura Petrie : All right, everything's here. Except my cheese grater.

  Millie Helper : Well, I gave that to Sadie Stein.

  Laura Petrie : You gave my cheese grater to Sadie Stein?

  Millie Helper : She said it was her cheese grater.

  Laura Petrie : It is her cheese grater.

  Millie Helper : None of us is perfect, Laura.

  Laura Petrie : Millie, I know I'm not perfect, and I also know that my very best friend isn't a thief.

  Millie Helper : Well, then you must have another very best friend, because boy, do I feel suspected.

  Laura Petrie : Okay, Millie, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call Rob right now and have him fire the entire insurance company.

  Millie Helper : No, the damage is done, and you might shop around for a new dentist. Jerry's returning your X-rays.

  Laura Petrie : Millie!

  Rob Petrie : Honey, it's me.

  Millie Helper : Well, I'm going. I know Rob doesn't want to see me any more than I want to see him.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, well, now that's ridiculous.

  Rob Petrie : Honey... Oh, hi, Millie. Millie, uh, could I speak to Laura a minute, please?

  Millie Helper : Well, of course. You can't very well talk behind my back to my face, can you?

  Rob Petrie : What's she doing with Ritchie's wagon?

  [Millie sets the wagon down] 

  Laura Petrie : I guess you're wondering what caused that.

  Rob Petrie : I know what caused that. Evans. Boy, is he fast. He shouldn't be in the insurance, he ought to be in the Olympics. Mel's mad me. Buddy, Sally.

  Laura Petrie : I am so sorry I ever had that party.

• Rob Petrie : [at dinner]  This is good, whatever it is.

  Laura Petrie : Told you, chicken paprikash. Laslo at the garage gave me the recipe.

  Rob Petrie : Mm. No wonder it tastes greasy.

  Laura Petrie : Rob. I'm the last friend you've got. Don't push me.

• Rob Petrie : [Buddy and Sally enter the office]  Hi, gang, what's the good word?

  Sally Rogers : Well, let's see, how does fink grab ya?

  Rob Petrie : Fink?

  Buddy Sorrell : Come on, Sal, sit down. Be uncomfortable.

  Rob Petrie : What are you two guys all steamed up about?

  Buddy Sorrell : Go ahead, tell him.

  Sally Rogers : I would if I was talking to him.

  Rob Petrie : Why aren't you taking me?

  Buddy Sorrell : Because we're talking to that clown from the insurance company.

  Rob Petrie : What clown?

  Buddy Sorrell : Big chief knife-in-the-back. Your hatchet man, Mr. Evans.

  Rob Petrie : Evans questioned you guys?

  Sally Rogers : Would you like to see the bamboo shoots under my fingernails? Hell, I so mad, I didn't even ask that rot if he was single.

  Rob Petrie : Oh. Why did he have to do that?

  Sally Rogers : What do you got planned for your guests next time, Rob? Malaria?

  Rob Petrie : You don't think I asked Evans to question ya, do ya?

  Buddy Sorrell : Oh, no. He just picked our names at random out of the phone book.

  Rob Petrie : Look, I am not accusing any of the suspects. Oh boy, this is...

  Buddy Sorrell : Boy, we got a nasty word for people who are suspicious like you.

  Sally Rogers : Yeah. What is it?

  Buddy Sorrell : Suspicious!

  Sally Rogers : That's not so nasty.

  Buddy Sorrell : You're right. It needs work.

  Rob Petrie : You guys got it all wrong. You don't think for a minute I suspect you.

  Sally Rogers : Oh, I don't think for a minute. I've only been thinking it the past 12 hours.

  [Mel enters] 

  Rob Petrie : Hi, Mel, how are you?

  Mel Cooley : Mortified, hurt, shocked, and deeply disappointed.

  Rob Petrie : What is it, Mel?

  Mel Cooley : Your bald-headed assassin came to see me last night.

  Rob Petrie : Mel, please believe me...

  Mel Cooley : Never again.

  Buddy Sorrell : Boy, he got some nerve sending a guy to investigate a man of stature.

  Mel Cooley : What are you being nice to me for?

  Buddy Sorrell : Cause I can only hate on guy at a time.

  [points at Rob] 

  Rob Petrie : Mel, you got to believe I did not send Evans to visit you.

  Mel Cooley : Visit? Attack would be more like it.

  Rob Petrie : Oh, Mel, I'm sorry.

  Mel Cooley : And why did you have to send him on the night we were entertaining our minister?

• Laura Petrie : Everyone will come except the crook.

  Rob Petrie : Hey that's right. He never does in the movies, does he? That's not a bad idea to have anther little party.

  Laura Petrie : It might be interesting to see who doesn't show up.

• Laura Petrie : Well, I called Buddy, Sal, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.

  Rob Petrie : Anybody turn us down?

  Laura Petrie : Buddy, Sal, Mel, Jerry, and Millie.

  Rob Petrie : Well that does it. They all took it. It's a syndicate.