- Uncle George: I'll bet you know a million women.
- [Laura clears throat]
- Rob Petrie: Well, uh... I, uh, know a few.
- Uncle George: Well, wrap one up to go and bring her home tonight.
- Rob Petrie: Uncle George, I just can't run out and grab a woman...
- Uncle George: Now, listen, Robbie. When you were a little boy, did I ever deny you anything?
- Rob Petrie: Well, no, not that I...
- Uncle George: Ice cream, lollipops, anything you ever wanted?
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, yeah...
- Uncle George: Well... bring me a woman.
- Rob Petrie: D'you think Mrs. Glimscher would like a mustache?
- Sally Rogers: No, I don't think so. She keeps shaving hers off.
- Mel Cooley: Uh, if Alan doesn't have that script by four o'clock, he's gonna start tearing his hair out.
- Buddy Sorrell: [looking at Mel's bald head] Kind of makes you sad, doesn't it?
- Rob Petrie: Herman, I wanna give you this straight: we brought your mother here to introduce her to a man.
- Herman Glimscher: A man?
- Sally Rogers: Mm.
- Herman Glimscher: Who?
- Laura Petrie: Well, it's Rob's Uncle George. He's visiting here form Danville and he wanted to meet some nice lady.
- Sally Rogers: And we couldn't find any, so we invited your mother.
- Rob Petrie: Boy I wish I was one of those Danish doctors.
- Laura Petrie: How would THAT help?
- Rob Petrie: Well, it wouldn't, except I'd be in Denmark.
- Uncle George: [long and protractedly] Hellooooo, little golden dove!
- Sally Rogers: [mimicking] Hellooooo, big silver bird.
- [Rob and Buddy and Sally try to think of where they could find an elderly lady for Rob's widowed Uncle George to settle down with]
- Rob Petrie: What about your Aunt Agnes?
- Sally Rogers: Oh, no. You know what Aunt Agnes says about men.
- Rob Petrie: No.
- Sally Rogers: "Man is like the drifting snow. It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can't get out of the house."
- Herman Glimscher: Please, please, keep your voices down.
- Rob Petrie: Are we shouting?
- Herman Glimscher: No, but Mother's got marvelous ears. She hears everything.
- Sally Rogers: Mm, I think she's got transistors in her teeth.
- Uncle George: They're both single women, aren't they? They're both up for grabs. Well, I choose the young dove instead of the old crow.
- Mel Cooley: My therapist was right. By clicking this clicker, I release all my hostilities and tensions.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sounds like you're shaking your head.
- Rob Petrie: Where is the best place to get hold of an elderly lady?
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, there's the fireman's carry or you can grab 'em by the ankles
- Sally Rogers: Listen, you invite Herman and me to dinner tonight and she'll be there.
- Rob Petrie: How can you be so sure she'll be there?
- Sally Rogers: How can I be so sure? Listen, Herman was in the army, she joined the WACs just to be close to him, didn't she? She goes everywhere with him.
- Rob Petrie: My Uncle George is in town from Danville and he's going looking for a new wife. He wants me to go out and find him a single girl.
- Sally Rogers: Well, you're lookin' at the king of the single girls.
- Rob Petrie: He needs a girl who's single and mature.
- Sally Rogers: Awww, thanks, Rob
- Buddy Sorrell: Mature, hey, how about my mother-in-law? She's so mature, she can hardly stand up.
- Rob Petrie: Your mother-in-law is married.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, but I'm sure my father-in-law would gladly step aside.
- Sally Rogers: Hey Buddy, didn't your mother-in-law have a twin sister?
- Buddy Sorrell: I hope not!
- Uncle George: Gonna be your aunt? Well, it looks like it, sonny. Leastwise, she got laryngitis saying yes over the phone. Looks like I'm not gonna be able to get out of it.